Goodbye

It's Sept 19th 2010.  Today Marky takes me.  It's the airport.  I will go to Ontario.  I have stayed 3 weeks.  Spent with him.  He is better.  Not great.  But better.  For him.  A long time ahead.  It's a good 3 weeks. It's two friends.  As we always are

We leave Calgary.  As we drive.  I look.  I remember it.  Marky tells me.  You must go away.  Get a new life.  I remember how it hurt.  To leave him.  The man that loves me.  I love him too.  I think he don't love me.   Want's a new person.  So he sais to go.  Go to Greece.  As I look.  I can see it.  His words are good.  They are the truth.  It's no future for me.  Not in Calgary.   I am here 3 weeks.  I will walk around.  I can see my past.  Larissa the whore.  Larissa the man controller.  So some good comes here.  Mark.  Me.  The ducks on the river.  Love.  But it's not enough.  Not enough to forget.  The past is here.  My past.  Always my past.  I can't go from it.  I know it.  Mark speaks right.  Start over.   The cars goes away.  Downtown is gone.  I won't go back.  Not tomorrow. Or ever

We go.  It's the airport.  Marky is weak.  He has trouble.  To carry the suitcase.  He will though.  We check it.  It's Ontario.   I will go.  He takes me.  We have a coffee.  We talk.  He gets some food.  For me.  He laughs.  Sais to eat up.  I look at him.  He's beaten up.  Tired.  He will make it.  I know him.  He has a reason.  It's all he needs. 

I tell him.  I won't miss it.  I don't miss Calgary.  I don't come back.  He smiles. It's life.  I must return.  Finish my life. Be a chef.  One day I cook eggs.  For him.  I don't burn them lol.  He reaches. He squeezes my hand.  We talk.  About so much.  All life lately.   He tells me.  Thanks.  To come to see him.  When he don't go on.  I tell him.  Anytime buddy lol.  We have good times.  It's the pub.  Laughing.  Drinking.  He can't drink.  Don't care though.  He does.

It's two people.  Each needs another.  Each is broken.  God finds them.  They give strength.  To each other.  So they can go on.  No fairy tale.  No romance.  No love forever.  Just too people.  That love each other all their life. I know long time will pass now.  I wont' come back.  I know I won't ever come back.

We walk.  I must go.  It's security.  I must leave.  I remember.  Me.  Early July 2010.  I am here.  Crying till I'm sick.  Now.  I stand there.  I give a hug.  I get a long kiss. He tells me.  Go.  Don't you forget me Larissa T.  You email me.  You write me.  I laugh.  Of course Mr Marky.  How could I not.  I wish to cry.  I cry because I don't loose a boyfriend.  I now lose a friend.  Best friend.  We can't be.  But friends always.  Until God takes us.  He holds my hand.  Then lets go.  Sais go.  Get on the plane.  It's silence.  For a minute.  Then it's one last hug.  He tells me.  I love you always.  I never forget you.  I tell him.I love you too.   I don't forget you Marky.  His hand lets mine go.  I must go in.  To the security.  I look.  He waits.  I get through.  I have my pack.  I have a laptop.  It's his.  He smiles.  I look back.  He waits.  I will walk.  Its around the corner.  I don't get sick.  I don't throw up.  I walk.  I think.  I am lucky.  I go and find a place.  To wait to go see Papa.  Now I know it.  The past is over for good.  I am done.  My new life starts. 

3 people matter for me.  Who are they?

First is Papa.  Loves me.  I make mistakes.  I hurt him.  But he don't stop.  Always there for me.  I will see him.  And I call him each week.  He divorces my mom.  They're done.  I'm glad.  He deserves more.  Since I'm young.  He's all I have

Second.  It's Georgia.  We are friends.  She is a mom.  No money from him.  She is broken.  She makes mistakes.  You can blame her?  You are good yourself?   We live together.  We pay bills.  Smoke all day.  Pass the time.  We talk about our world.  She does massage.  Now she don't.  She got smart.  She went home.  To her mom.  She will go to school.  It's in Sasketoon.   I am happy.  She can do more.

Third.  It's Marky.  We meet in a funny way.  He helps me.  My car is broken.  9 months we have.  Plus 3 weeks.  Is it good?  Sometimes.  We fight.  We scream.  Dishes get broken.  I hit him.  I break his face and tooth.  I make him.  He goes and sits at the river.  He cries. But he don't go.  I change too.  I learn. I can love.  He is weak.  Soft inside.  Him and I?  Not long.  But is a lifetime.  We change each other.  He is a lover.  He is my best friend. 

The airplane waits.  It goes fast and we go up.  I see out the window.  The mountains.  Now some snow.  Calgary.  It's my home.  A long time.  But this picture I see.  It's the last.  I don't come back.  Now is a new life.  I pray.  I thank God.  It's God that gives me gifts.  My family.  My friends.  Those that love me.  Those that don't give up.  I will go.  I will finihs.  Larissa will be a chef.  On Food TV one day.  The plane flies.  I think I will see Papa.

I write this in Ontario.  I write it at my house.  It's my room.  Mom is gone.  She don't come here.  Just me and Papa.  He must sleep.  He will work tomorrow.  I sit alone.  In the quiet.  I listen to the radio.  It's on the computer.  It's Calgary.  I wonder.  What do you do Marky.  At home.  On the computer like always.  The cars go by.  You close the window annoyed lol.  The fan blows outside.  My heart don't cry.  Instead it smiles.  I hope his heart does too.

I will sleep now.  Just a few days here.  Then Greece.  Just a few more things to say.  Then I am finished.