Empty

You look out the window.  You see this woman?  She could be raped.  You don't know it.  No limp in the leg.  No mark on the arm.  No sign in the eyes.  You can't tell.   To be raped is ashamed.  You feel angry.  You want to kill men.  You cannot see a good man.  Just bad men all around you.  If you are an SP and you get raped. Who cares?  Some say she deserves it.  It's a risk of her job.  Fuck you.  If the policeman is shot on his job all cry.  If I whore is raped nothing to most people.  Oh well they say.  A whore is your daughter maybe.  She is your friend.  Now do you care?  

How do I feel after this?  Empty.  If you are tired, you can sleep.  If you are hungry, you can eat.  If you are raped.  No fix.  No way out.  You can only think.  I sit alone.  I think what mistake do I make.  I don't look in the bathroom.  I don't check the room with my eyes.  I regret.  Why do I go?  Why do I go on CL.  Why do I be a whore?  You question.  I can't sleep.  I hear a sound and I jump up.  I leave the lights all on.  Every room.  I walk down the road.  I see two men together.  I cross this street. 

The day comes and goes.  I do nothing.  No computer.  No phone.  I can only drink.  If you come to my house you see it.  bottles.  The counter is covered.  The food is mold.  The dishes are there.  Who cares.  I don't care if a client calls.  I don't even care for Unhappily Married.  Fuck him.  He cheats.  My phone is off.  I don't care.  Each day is the same.  The light is always on.   I just cry.  Then I am angry.  I think to kill all men.  I kill them hard.  I remember the fast food job.  I will take the man. I put his face in the oil.  He will beg but I will laugh.  This is how I feel. 

My phone is off for so long.  Then it's a knock.  I don't know who.  I get a knife.  I go to the door.  Maybe these guys know me.  They find my house.  In the peep hole I can see Unhappy.  He knocks louder.  Each time.  I finally open the door.  The chain is on.  I don't see it then but I remember now.  He is upset looking.

He asks me.  Am I ok?  He calls each day all the time. No answer.  What is wrong with me.  So he comes to my house.  To see if I am ok.  I drop the knife and I burst to tears.  I tell him I am attacked.  I can't this word rape.  If I say it, I am sick.   He sais to me, sit down.  He tells me do I need something to drink or eat?  He can get it.  What do I need?  He will get anything.  I just cry.  He hugs me.  I cry for so long . I can see him.  He cries too.  He tells me he is sorry for me.  He is here.  I tell him I am hungry and he goes to get some food.  He comes back fast.  It's food and some water.  I am so hungry.  I don't eat at all for days.  While I eat Unhappy straightens up things.  He cleans the dishes for me.  He does the garbage and the bottles.  I am happy he is here.  I feel more safe.  I ask him can he stay for longer?  He sais yes.  He calls his wife and tells her its' an emergency.  He will be home when he can.