Goodbye

Some days pass.  I can tell you more.  But I won't.  It's the same story.  I am angry.  My mom looks in the door at Mark.  As he puts on pants.  He sees her.  I get sick.  This bitch can't stop.  I come to make friends.  But I hate her more now.  Her stupid hair.  All blonde.  Are you Greek?  you are proud to be black hair.  brown eyes. 

Mark comes.  We go out.  He must go back now.  His time is done.  We go for food.  Then go home.  It's Papa's house.  He drives in a circle.  He stops at my house.  He gets out.  It's the night.   He tells me he must go.  He stands there.  I can see him.  His lip trembles.  He gives me a hug.  I can feel him.  He is crying.  He tells me he loves me.  He tells me come soon.  He tells me he loves me.  I can feel his tears.  They go on my neck.  His arms are strong.  They go around me tight. It's a first.  A man cries for me.  It's never before.  Not at 14.  Not ever.  His eyes are broken hearted.  He tells me to listen to my heart.  He will hold each hand.  And then kiss me long.  Then he sais he must go.  Tomorrow is his parents, then the plane trip.  He gets in the car.  I watch it drive away.  I find a cigarette.  I smoke it on the porch.  And many more.  Nana comes.  She sits down.  She asks I'm ok?  I tell her no.  I can drink.   She takes a cigarette.  She smokes too.  We sit.  We drink and smoke.  I tell her.  I tell her about my life.  She only listens. I tell her I am not good.  All I am is angry.  I tell her about Mark.  I just use him at first.  It's for food.  It's for money.  He has money in the jar.  I take it.  So I can buy a coffee.  I don't tell him.  She listens.  Tells me she thinks he understands.  I tell Nana.  I am guilty feeling.  She looks.  She sais it's the best answer I can say. Maybe I can realize in my heart. I must look at myself.  Not Larissa the whore.  Not Larissa the manipulator.  Not anyone.  Just Larissa.  The woman.   I stay out late.  I drink and smoke.  It's alone.