2 months

Papa has no job.  So he stays 2 months more.  I go on the computer at night.  I will email my regs.  I tell them I am not working now.  I make up an excuse.  I leave a voice mail.  It's on the phone.  Larissa is too busy.  I say send me an email.  Email is easier.  I can do it when Papa sleeps.  In my life I can't ever do 1 thing.  It's have Papa see me.  He knows it.  But he won't see.  I know he won't care.  But I won't do it. 

In this month I feel better.  But I am on the edge.  A sound makes me jump.  If I see a man I move.  I wear sunglasses.  It's cloudy I wear them.  I dress different.  It's just track pants and sneakers.  No attention to me. The shirt is big and baggy.  I wish to blend in.  My hair is not brushed.  It's in a pony tail.  If you see me, you don't look.  I'm Ms Average now.

Papa and I have long talks.  He tells me about life.  I learn many things.  He is angry.  This marriage is bad.  He feels depressed.  Then he sais who wants him.  A fat old man.  I tell him you don't say this ever.  You are the best man.  How can you think this?  But I know his words.  Once I was a woman like this.  I judged on money and looks  Women won't like this.  But this is how they are.  Do they care about Papa?  No they don't.  Because his belly is big.  His hair is gone.  He works with his hands.  A woman complains a man only wants beauty.  She is no different than this guy.

Papa tells me about Mom.  He tells me a saying.  By lunch she is three sheets to the wind.  I don't know it.  He sais she is drunk.  It's now 7 days a week.  She finds younger men.  She will go away for 2 days.  She won't call Papa.  I hate my Mom.  She can do this to a good guy?  You think I am a whore?  My Mom is Queen Whore.  When I am a little girl she hits me.  She tells me I'm ugly.  She tells me I'm stupid.  If i don't eat my dinner she makes me.  She pushes it in my mouth.   When I am small she will cuff my head.  If I am really bad?  I must sit in the closet.  I pee my pants waiting.

Papa was always good to me.  I made some mistakes.  When I am young I steal something.  I get caught too.  He just sais he is disappointed.  It's as a teen I start to ignore him.  By this time my Mom and I fight.  We hit each other.  I can remember my Mom.  She hit me for so long.  Then I am big enough I can hit back.  I remember I hit her.  ha ha.  Larissa isn't a little girl.  After this my Mom can't hit me.  She can only say nasty words.  I am a teenager.  She will tell me all the time.  Your belly is fat.  No man wants this.  She tells me I'm not pretty.  I'm a sow.  It's a pig.

One day Papa and I talk.  He tells me something.  He sais you say nothing.  I said of course.  He sais he will leave Mom.  I am happy.  I tell him I am happy.  He sais first he must do some things.  He said this fight is long.  It will be 1 or 2 years.  He will go back to his job first.  This night I lie in bed.  I think Papa and I can get a house. It's in Banff.  I can sit on the porch.  The birds will eat the seeds.  All the past is gone.  I know it now.  Papa is broken too.  Just like me.  Just he is stronger.