Papa and I. We spent the last days. It's sitting on the porch. Mom is gone. She don't come back. She don't call. He tells me this. I am surprised. Papa has a girlfriend. He has one before Mom left. He said he is tired. His life is lonely. I laugh. I ask him. I can see her? Who is she? What does she like? He tells me. She and him. They meet at bowling. It's his favourite. Shes drive a truck. She has a house. It's in the country. He goes there. They will have a bbq. Just have drinks. She had a husband. But he is sick. And then he goes to heaven. It's a sad story. I think Papa is good for her. He's a good person. He won't hurt someone. He is patient. His whole life. He takes care of Mom. And of me. Both treat him bad. He don't raise his fist. This woman is good. I will meet her.
We will go to her place. She don't come to the house. In case Mom comes home. We drive. Not so far. It's a big house. The old kind. All brick. The driveway is long. It's trees all over. We park. A dog comes. He is Rex the dog. He is a happy dog. The woman comes out. She waves hello. She comes to meet me. She has a tattoo. It's on her arm. She sais to me. You must be Larissa. She gives a hug to me. Sais to come in. She gives Papa a kiss. I see it. I think I don't know it. I can't remember it. When Papa kisses a girl. Not a kiss for affection. Maybe family at Christmas. Her house is old inside. It's wood. The dog comes. He carries a ball. It drops at my feet over and over lol. She tells him. Rex, don't bug her. I don't mind it. She asks me. I want a drink? It's coffee, tea or a beer? I tell her tea. She has many kinds. I take breakfast tea. We sit and talk. I feel good. Not like a stranger. Papa and her talk. They will go fishing. She likes this. She asks do I fish. I tell her no. Not since I'm a little girl. Then I catch perch. It's a little fish. You can't eat it. Just let it go. She asks. I am being a chef. I tell her yes. She loves to cook. She laughs. Sais to me Papa likes to eat her cooking. She finds cooking good to relax. She sais to come. I can see her big kitchen. It's got it all. You can see it. It's like a magazine. The pots hang from the roof. The stove is big too. It's got spices. In the tray and rack. It's wood. She asks, do I like something to eat? I am Larissa. Always eating. I say yes. She sais help yourself. In the firdge. Any food is mine. Inside is good stuff. She leaves. I get a plate. It's something mixed up. It's delicious lol. I ask. Can I eat in the other room. Yes I can she sais. The plate is full. Papa laughs. He tells her. Since I am a young girl I eat so much. When we go camping. I finish the food. Papa laughs. If we eat out. I eat off his plate too. I do this to Marky too. He calls me Ms metabolisum. Papa's girlfriend. She tells me. Have what I want.
When I finish. She tells me. She will show me around. Her house is big and old. The beds are many. So many rooms. Her kids are big now. Her husband is gone. I can see it. For her, this house is her memories. She wishes not to forget. She wishes to remember. It's not like me. I don't want to remember. I forget my past. I only remember Marky in Calgary. The rest I don't care.
Outside is trees. She shows me. A truck. Pretty big truck. She drives it. I ask her. Her boss is nice to let her drive it home. She laughs. No dear. She owns it. She is her boss. I tell her I know it. Marky is his own boss. I tell her my boyfriend is this. I tell her it's tough times. The money comes slow. She sais to me. Yes it is. She sais here it's bad for 2 years. You must take all you can. I wonder and ask. how do you get this job. She tells me. Her husband does it. Her kids get older. So she will go with him. They travel all over. I ask her. do you know Calgary. She does!. She has gone. She sais she likes it. A good dream is a ranch. In the mountains. With a creek. I tell her. I go to Banff. It's my favourite. She knows it. I find out. Papa has told her. About me. About Marky. She don't judge me. I can see it. This lady. She is strong. She makes it. All by herself too. Her and Papa talk. I can go in the truck. It's like a house. It's a got a bed. I look out the window. It's high up. I like this lady. She's a good person. She is good for Papa. I can see it.
We stay longer. Papa tells her. He must go. I must leave for Greece. She will come to the airport. I don't mind. It makes Papa happy. I'm glad for Papa. We drive back. He talks. He's happy too. We go for a short drive. He takes me. It's the river. We used to fish here. He shows me. It's where we went to camp. There is the site. The leaves start to change now. You can see fall. It seems the end. End of trees. The birds go away. For me, it's spring. As we drive around. I like it. I learned now. I hated this place. But I don't hated the place. Just my Mom. Now I don't see her. I like it. I think it's the same for Calgary. I don't hate it. I hated my past. I tell Papa I like this lady. I say she's tough. He sais yes. No breaks in her life. I'm glad for him.
While we drive. I send a text. It's to Mark. I ask him. How is it. We chat this way. All the time. I tell him Papa has a girlfriend. He sends a smiley face. I am happy. I think to myself. I hate some men. Most really. I don't want to kiss them. I don't touch them. But my favourite people? It's two men. Mark chats to someone else. I know her. Am I jealous? No way buddy. I'm happy. I just want happy for both Papa and Marky. I want it for one reason. Because both wish happyness for me.
Papa sings. It's a song on the radio. It's his music. Country music. It makes me smile. I don't like this music. He likes it. I can see. He is happy now. So what else matters?
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Goodbye
It's Sept 19th 2010. Today Marky takes me. It's the airport. I will go to Ontario. I have stayed 3 weeks. Spent with him. He is better. Not great. But better. For him. A long time ahead. It's a good 3 weeks. It's two friends. As we always are
We leave Calgary. As we drive. I look. I remember it. Marky tells me. You must go away. Get a new life. I remember how it hurt. To leave him. The man that loves me. I love him too. I think he don't love me. Want's a new person. So he sais to go. Go to Greece. As I look. I can see it. His words are good. They are the truth. It's no future for me. Not in Calgary. I am here 3 weeks. I will walk around. I can see my past. Larissa the whore. Larissa the man controller. So some good comes here. Mark. Me. The ducks on the river. Love. But it's not enough. Not enough to forget. The past is here. My past. Always my past. I can't go from it. I know it. Mark speaks right. Start over. The cars goes away. Downtown is gone. I won't go back. Not tomorrow. Or ever
We go. It's the airport. Marky is weak. He has trouble. To carry the suitcase. He will though. We check it. It's Ontario. I will go. He takes me. We have a coffee. We talk. He gets some food. For me. He laughs. Sais to eat up. I look at him. He's beaten up. Tired. He will make it. I know him. He has a reason. It's all he needs.
I tell him. I won't miss it. I don't miss Calgary. I don't come back. He smiles. It's life. I must return. Finish my life. Be a chef. One day I cook eggs. For him. I don't burn them lol. He reaches. He squeezes my hand. We talk. About so much. All life lately. He tells me. Thanks. To come to see him. When he don't go on. I tell him. Anytime buddy lol. We have good times. It's the pub. Laughing. Drinking. He can't drink. Don't care though. He does.
It's two people. Each needs another. Each is broken. God finds them. They give strength. To each other. So they can go on. No fairy tale. No romance. No love forever. Just too people. That love each other all their life. I know long time will pass now. I wont' come back. I know I won't ever come back.
We walk. I must go. It's security. I must leave. I remember. Me. Early July 2010. I am here. Crying till I'm sick. Now. I stand there. I give a hug. I get a long kiss. He tells me. Go. Don't you forget me Larissa T. You email me. You write me. I laugh. Of course Mr Marky. How could I not. I wish to cry. I cry because I don't loose a boyfriend. I now lose a friend. Best friend. We can't be. But friends always. Until God takes us. He holds my hand. Then lets go. Sais go. Get on the plane. It's silence. For a minute. Then it's one last hug. He tells me. I love you always. I never forget you. I tell him.I love you too. I don't forget you Marky. His hand lets mine go. I must go in. To the security. I look. He waits. I get through. I have my pack. I have a laptop. It's his. He smiles. I look back. He waits. I will walk. Its around the corner. I don't get sick. I don't throw up. I walk. I think. I am lucky. I go and find a place. To wait to go see Papa. Now I know it. The past is over for good. I am done. My new life starts.
3 people matter for me. Who are they?
First is Papa. Loves me. I make mistakes. I hurt him. But he don't stop. Always there for me. I will see him. And I call him each week. He divorces my mom. They're done. I'm glad. He deserves more. Since I'm young. He's all I have
Second. It's Georgia. We are friends. She is a mom. No money from him. She is broken. She makes mistakes. You can blame her? You are good yourself? We live together. We pay bills. Smoke all day. Pass the time. We talk about our world. She does massage. Now she don't. She got smart. She went home. To her mom. She will go to school. It's in Sasketoon. I am happy. She can do more.
Third. It's Marky. We meet in a funny way. He helps me. My car is broken. 9 months we have. Plus 3 weeks. Is it good? Sometimes. We fight. We scream. Dishes get broken. I hit him. I break his face and tooth. I make him. He goes and sits at the river. He cries. But he don't go. I change too. I learn. I can love. He is weak. Soft inside. Him and I? Not long. But is a lifetime. We change each other. He is a lover. He is my best friend.
The airplane waits. It goes fast and we go up. I see out the window. The mountains. Now some snow. Calgary. It's my home. A long time. But this picture I see. It's the last. I don't come back. Now is a new life. I pray. I thank God. It's God that gives me gifts. My family. My friends. Those that love me. Those that don't give up. I will go. I will finihs. Larissa will be a chef. On Food TV one day. The plane flies. I think I will see Papa.
I write this in Ontario. I write it at my house. It's my room. Mom is gone. She don't come here. Just me and Papa. He must sleep. He will work tomorrow. I sit alone. In the quiet. I listen to the radio. It's on the computer. It's Calgary. I wonder. What do you do Marky. At home. On the computer like always. The cars go by. You close the window annoyed lol. The fan blows outside. My heart don't cry. Instead it smiles. I hope his heart does too.
I will sleep now. Just a few days here. Then Greece. Just a few more things to say. Then I am finished.
We leave Calgary. As we drive. I look. I remember it. Marky tells me. You must go away. Get a new life. I remember how it hurt. To leave him. The man that loves me. I love him too. I think he don't love me. Want's a new person. So he sais to go. Go to Greece. As I look. I can see it. His words are good. They are the truth. It's no future for me. Not in Calgary. I am here 3 weeks. I will walk around. I can see my past. Larissa the whore. Larissa the man controller. So some good comes here. Mark. Me. The ducks on the river. Love. But it's not enough. Not enough to forget. The past is here. My past. Always my past. I can't go from it. I know it. Mark speaks right. Start over. The cars goes away. Downtown is gone. I won't go back. Not tomorrow. Or ever
We go. It's the airport. Marky is weak. He has trouble. To carry the suitcase. He will though. We check it. It's Ontario. I will go. He takes me. We have a coffee. We talk. He gets some food. For me. He laughs. Sais to eat up. I look at him. He's beaten up. Tired. He will make it. I know him. He has a reason. It's all he needs.
I tell him. I won't miss it. I don't miss Calgary. I don't come back. He smiles. It's life. I must return. Finish my life. Be a chef. One day I cook eggs. For him. I don't burn them lol. He reaches. He squeezes my hand. We talk. About so much. All life lately. He tells me. Thanks. To come to see him. When he don't go on. I tell him. Anytime buddy lol. We have good times. It's the pub. Laughing. Drinking. He can't drink. Don't care though. He does.
It's two people. Each needs another. Each is broken. God finds them. They give strength. To each other. So they can go on. No fairy tale. No romance. No love forever. Just too people. That love each other all their life. I know long time will pass now. I wont' come back. I know I won't ever come back.
We walk. I must go. It's security. I must leave. I remember. Me. Early July 2010. I am here. Crying till I'm sick. Now. I stand there. I give a hug. I get a long kiss. He tells me. Go. Don't you forget me Larissa T. You email me. You write me. I laugh. Of course Mr Marky. How could I not. I wish to cry. I cry because I don't loose a boyfriend. I now lose a friend. Best friend. We can't be. But friends always. Until God takes us. He holds my hand. Then lets go. Sais go. Get on the plane. It's silence. For a minute. Then it's one last hug. He tells me. I love you always. I never forget you. I tell him.I love you too. I don't forget you Marky. His hand lets mine go. I must go in. To the security. I look. He waits. I get through. I have my pack. I have a laptop. It's his. He smiles. I look back. He waits. I will walk. Its around the corner. I don't get sick. I don't throw up. I walk. I think. I am lucky. I go and find a place. To wait to go see Papa. Now I know it. The past is over for good. I am done. My new life starts.
3 people matter for me. Who are they?
First is Papa. Loves me. I make mistakes. I hurt him. But he don't stop. Always there for me. I will see him. And I call him each week. He divorces my mom. They're done. I'm glad. He deserves more. Since I'm young. He's all I have
Second. It's Georgia. We are friends. She is a mom. No money from him. She is broken. She makes mistakes. You can blame her? You are good yourself? We live together. We pay bills. Smoke all day. Pass the time. We talk about our world. She does massage. Now she don't. She got smart. She went home. To her mom. She will go to school. It's in Sasketoon. I am happy. She can do more.
Third. It's Marky. We meet in a funny way. He helps me. My car is broken. 9 months we have. Plus 3 weeks. Is it good? Sometimes. We fight. We scream. Dishes get broken. I hit him. I break his face and tooth. I make him. He goes and sits at the river. He cries. But he don't go. I change too. I learn. I can love. He is weak. Soft inside. Him and I? Not long. But is a lifetime. We change each other. He is a lover. He is my best friend.
The airplane waits. It goes fast and we go up. I see out the window. The mountains. Now some snow. Calgary. It's my home. A long time. But this picture I see. It's the last. I don't come back. Now is a new life. I pray. I thank God. It's God that gives me gifts. My family. My friends. Those that love me. Those that don't give up. I will go. I will finihs. Larissa will be a chef. On Food TV one day. The plane flies. I think I will see Papa.
I write this in Ontario. I write it at my house. It's my room. Mom is gone. She don't come here. Just me and Papa. He must sleep. He will work tomorrow. I sit alone. In the quiet. I listen to the radio. It's on the computer. It's Calgary. I wonder. What do you do Marky. At home. On the computer like always. The cars go by. You close the window annoyed lol. The fan blows outside. My heart don't cry. Instead it smiles. I hope his heart does too.
I will sleep now. Just a few days here. Then Greece. Just a few more things to say. Then I am finished.
Friday, September 17, 2010
to drink
Life here done. I drink lol. It's a good time. I can laugh. I laugh at them. I have a good time. It's life. I will go home soon. For now. I laugh at them.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Alejandro
We can go out. It's like before. Way back. We go to Original Joes. We sit. It's like before. It's where the tattoo girl is. We don't get her. Instead it's red hair. I know Marky lol. He wants her lol. She asks, drinks? We get some. I say to him. You like her still. He laughs. He would pay for her. 5 browns lol. She ask. You want food. Mark puts hand on head. He goes. She wants a burger. Pasta salad. Garlic potato. I laugh. Yes you can read my mind. He gets it too.
We talk. He tells me. He's done. He must start a new life. He is tuckered out. Tired of it. I know this feeling. He tells me. He can sleep now. Don't wake up so much. I can see. A new life. I ask him. You are scared? Nope he sais. He is just glad. Should have gone before. Long ago. He tells me. You hang on. It's what you got. What you know. He sais it looks good. He will get back up. Then go on his journey. Just like me. I ask him. Will you stay here? He sais for now.
We talk about Greece. I tell him how it is. I tell him about Tat. I tell him I can cook eggs. Maybe I will do this. He laughs. How about Nellies instead lol. The fire department is busy. It's funny. I burn cooking so much. Now I know it. Not so much but some. I like it. To sit her.
When I go to therapy. The lady tells me. Mark isn't just a boyfriend. He's like Papa. It's some why I am attached. He's both. She tells me this. It reminds me. Its a song. Lady Gaga. Alejandro. She sings "but her boyfriend is like a dad". I think. Our love is forever. But us together isn't. I must go my way. Him his way. It's 9 months only. But each gives to the other. I am broken. He pushes me. Get up. Fight. Be strong. You ain't a whore. Stop this word. For him. I make his heart soft again. Before he don't like women. Sick of them. He will be single always. But now it's different. His heart is softer now. It will be hurt again. Its love. But it will be stronger. We come together. Only God knows why. But each starts a new life. It comes from each other. Should I be sad? I should cry. I don't cry. Instead I thank God. God gives me a wish. Two people are healing. I watch him. He has a drink. I smile at him. He sais what. I smile more. I say nothing.
Some read this. They think it's a good ending. The prince and the princess. Together in the castle. As a girl you dream it. As a woman? It's not real. No fairytale comes. Life aint this way. What will happen? I will go to Greece. Marky will go on. Start life. Pick up his pieces. This time. I won't cry goodbye. I will smile. It's not a fairytale. Instead it's a beautiful dream. And I can live it. Not forever. But I live it.
We talk. He tells me. He's done. He must start a new life. He is tuckered out. Tired of it. I know this feeling. He tells me. He can sleep now. Don't wake up so much. I can see. A new life. I ask him. You are scared? Nope he sais. He is just glad. Should have gone before. Long ago. He tells me. You hang on. It's what you got. What you know. He sais it looks good. He will get back up. Then go on his journey. Just like me. I ask him. Will you stay here? He sais for now.
We talk about Greece. I tell him how it is. I tell him about Tat. I tell him I can cook eggs. Maybe I will do this. He laughs. How about Nellies instead lol. The fire department is busy. It's funny. I burn cooking so much. Now I know it. Not so much but some. I like it. To sit her.
When I go to therapy. The lady tells me. Mark isn't just a boyfriend. He's like Papa. It's some why I am attached. He's both. She tells me this. It reminds me. Its a song. Lady Gaga. Alejandro. She sings "but her boyfriend is like a dad". I think. Our love is forever. But us together isn't. I must go my way. Him his way. It's 9 months only. But each gives to the other. I am broken. He pushes me. Get up. Fight. Be strong. You ain't a whore. Stop this word. For him. I make his heart soft again. Before he don't like women. Sick of them. He will be single always. But now it's different. His heart is softer now. It will be hurt again. Its love. But it will be stronger. We come together. Only God knows why. But each starts a new life. It comes from each other. Should I be sad? I should cry. I don't cry. Instead I thank God. God gives me a wish. Two people are healing. I watch him. He has a drink. I smile at him. He sais what. I smile more. I say nothing.
Some read this. They think it's a good ending. The prince and the princess. Together in the castle. As a girl you dream it. As a woman? It's not real. No fairytale comes. Life aint this way. What will happen? I will go to Greece. Marky will go on. Start life. Pick up his pieces. This time. I won't cry goodbye. I will smile. It's not a fairytale. Instead it's a beautiful dream. And I can live it. Not forever. But I live it.
This blog
I come back. It's to see my best friend. When I have nothing. He is there. Now for him. Nothing. So I will be there. He has some tests. It's many changes. It's good. I can see. He is broken. Too long like this. I know it. It's like me. At the MP. To escape. Drugs and drinking. He will do it too. Just drink.
Do you wonder. When I write this?.
I walk. I will go see my apartment. The bad one. The good one too. My car is gone. I just leave it. I guess they steal it. I stand in the old apartment. It's the good place. I can see Larissa. She looks back at me. It's the glass in the door. But I see a different Larissa. I walk away. I don't need to see it again. It's 17th Ave. Do you know it? It's popular. I walk by. I can see it. Beckhams Pub. Tim Hortons. I remember. Long ago it's Bad Ass Coffee. It's got a donkey. I see Watchmans pub. I know this. I walk farther. It's Melrose Place. Me and Victoria goes there. I go in. Not so many people. I look around. What can I see? 100 Victorias. 100 Unhappily Marrieds. Some is different. Most is the same. It's not so long. Its' Fiore. It's for pasta. I walk more. The Ship and Anchor. Marky and I go there. We eat Christmas dinner. It's our last night together there. I can see the seat. It's there. I walk. Fourth Street. I stop. It's Lululemon. I will go inside. Some are out front. They draw on the sidewalk. I will keep walking. Memories of all my life. It's Ouzo. Mark takes me there. It's Greek. It's like me. We will eat. Drink wine. I keep walking. It's the diner. Chinese owns it. Cash only. Next to it. The liquor store. We go there a lot. I can see Ducky's. It's got bars on it. On the window lol. It's maybe a prison. For some. Escape. I remember. Mark sings Abba lol. The sky is blue. The air now is cool. I walk by. It's Original Joes. I wonder. Does the tattoo girl work still? I walk farther. The Purple Perk. I love it. A coffee. A Cuban sandwich. With chips. Next it's Joyce. We go here. Eat cheap ribs. A penny each. I walk farther. Shoppers drug store. A store a girl loves. I will go in. I remember. Make up. I go further. It's Urban Barn. I go in. I buy stuff. I remember it. Marky and I go there. We would dream. We can get this bed. 30 browns for it. Next is the jean store. I walk. I can see Safeway. Georgia works there before. It's shitty. Pay sucks. I walk by the river. The river is quiet. No ducks. They are big now. All grown up. Maybe like me? I walk farther. The street is a circle end. I look around. It's the building. It's where I lived. It's a nice place. I cross the road. I go behind the other building. It's the little round house. Near the river. I will go sit there. We used to sit there. We would talk. The ducks would swim. The people on the raft. Floats by. They hold the beer up. Happy with life. Just fun in the sun. No ducks. No rafts. Just the water. I look out.
I remember. Mark tells me. Go to Greece. I cry. I will lose him. He tells me no. I don't lose him. Instead I find me. He said. Sometimes you must go. The hard decision. It's the best decision. Before I think Mark is wrong. He is stupid. Or maybe he don't love me. Just wants a new girl. Move along Larissa. Tired of you. Now. I realize it. He was right. I sit there. I think to me. He tells me. You will write. Speak up. I put on my iPod. I walk away. Back the same way. I stop. It's the Purple Perk. I get a Cuban. Same girl. She's pretty. I get a coffee. I sit and I eat. I read the magazine. I can't see the words. I can just think about my life. I will go home. I will write this story. It's my story. Not your story. My story.
Do you wonder. When I write this?.
I walk. I will go see my apartment. The bad one. The good one too. My car is gone. I just leave it. I guess they steal it. I stand in the old apartment. It's the good place. I can see Larissa. She looks back at me. It's the glass in the door. But I see a different Larissa. I walk away. I don't need to see it again. It's 17th Ave. Do you know it? It's popular. I walk by. I can see it. Beckhams Pub. Tim Hortons. I remember. Long ago it's Bad Ass Coffee. It's got a donkey. I see Watchmans pub. I know this. I walk farther. It's Melrose Place. Me and Victoria goes there. I go in. Not so many people. I look around. What can I see? 100 Victorias. 100 Unhappily Marrieds. Some is different. Most is the same. It's not so long. Its' Fiore. It's for pasta. I walk more. The Ship and Anchor. Marky and I go there. We eat Christmas dinner. It's our last night together there. I can see the seat. It's there. I walk. Fourth Street. I stop. It's Lululemon. I will go inside. Some are out front. They draw on the sidewalk. I will keep walking. Memories of all my life. It's Ouzo. Mark takes me there. It's Greek. It's like me. We will eat. Drink wine. I keep walking. It's the diner. Chinese owns it. Cash only. Next to it. The liquor store. We go there a lot. I can see Ducky's. It's got bars on it. On the window lol. It's maybe a prison. For some. Escape. I remember. Mark sings Abba lol. The sky is blue. The air now is cool. I walk by. It's Original Joes. I wonder. Does the tattoo girl work still? I walk farther. The Purple Perk. I love it. A coffee. A Cuban sandwich. With chips. Next it's Joyce. We go here. Eat cheap ribs. A penny each. I walk farther. Shoppers drug store. A store a girl loves. I will go in. I remember. Make up. I go further. It's Urban Barn. I go in. I buy stuff. I remember it. Marky and I go there. We would dream. We can get this bed. 30 browns for it. Next is the jean store. I walk. I can see Safeway. Georgia works there before. It's shitty. Pay sucks. I walk by the river. The river is quiet. No ducks. They are big now. All grown up. Maybe like me? I walk farther. The street is a circle end. I look around. It's the building. It's where I lived. It's a nice place. I cross the road. I go behind the other building. It's the little round house. Near the river. I will go sit there. We used to sit there. We would talk. The ducks would swim. The people on the raft. Floats by. They hold the beer up. Happy with life. Just fun in the sun. No ducks. No rafts. Just the water. I look out.
I remember. Mark tells me. Go to Greece. I cry. I will lose him. He tells me no. I don't lose him. Instead I find me. He said. Sometimes you must go. The hard decision. It's the best decision. Before I think Mark is wrong. He is stupid. Or maybe he don't love me. Just wants a new girl. Move along Larissa. Tired of you. Now. I realize it. He was right. I sit there. I think to me. He tells me. You will write. Speak up. I put on my iPod. I walk away. Back the same way. I stop. It's the Purple Perk. I get a Cuban. Same girl. She's pretty. I get a coffee. I sit and I eat. I read the magazine. I can't see the words. I can just think about my life. I will go home. I will write this story. It's my story. Not your story. My story.
Monday, September 13, 2010
A quick trip home
I will go to Calgary. It's just for a couple of weeks. I will go see Mark. He is giving up. Tired of everything. There is no one there. Nana will help me with the costs. She understands. I tell her I'm back soon. I explain why. She sais you go. Mark has cracked. He gives up. I am worried. He tells me. He will drive away. That's it. Gone for good. I don't hear this voice before. It's not him. Nana gets me a plane ticket. Must be cheap. The seat is small. I don't care. The flight is long. I wait. I don't sleep.
I arrive back. It's the same as before. I take a taxi down. I have the key still. I forgot to give it back. I arrive at his apartment. He's not around. I am disgusted. Before he is clean. Now. It's just boxes. Pizza boxes. A bag of beer cans. The mail is on the counter. Not opened. I open it. He doesn't care. Doesn't pay the bills. The fridge has no food. The cupboard either. It's just pizza boxes. I can't believe this. Never do I imagine this. A man who is neat is a mess. A man that eats health food. Now eats pizza. The laundry is on the floor. The bed is not made. I can see this. I know this. This is Larissa. It's Larissa at the MP. Larissa on crack. He don't care now. I am disgusted. And I worry. In the bathroom. There is 7 bottles of shampoo all empty. I can tell it's not good.
I wait. He comes home. His face is tired. Circles under his eyes. He sits in the corner. Tells me he is sick of it all. He tells me. He can't sleep. He wakes up at night. Thinkgs about things. Is always tired. Can't work out. Don't care to cook. Doesn't care at all. I can see. He gives up. Don't care now. I tell him. Lie down. Sleep some. I can clean up.
I arrive back. It's the same as before. I take a taxi down. I have the key still. I forgot to give it back. I arrive at his apartment. He's not around. I am disgusted. Before he is clean. Now. It's just boxes. Pizza boxes. A bag of beer cans. The mail is on the counter. Not opened. I open it. He doesn't care. Doesn't pay the bills. The fridge has no food. The cupboard either. It's just pizza boxes. I can't believe this. Never do I imagine this. A man who is neat is a mess. A man that eats health food. Now eats pizza. The laundry is on the floor. The bed is not made. I can see this. I know this. This is Larissa. It's Larissa at the MP. Larissa on crack. He don't care now. I am disgusted. And I worry. In the bathroom. There is 7 bottles of shampoo all empty. I can tell it's not good.
I wait. He comes home. His face is tired. Circles under his eyes. He sits in the corner. Tells me he is sick of it all. He tells me. He can't sleep. He wakes up at night. Thinkgs about things. Is always tired. Can't work out. Don't care to cook. Doesn't care at all. I can see. He gives up. Don't care now. I tell him. Lie down. Sleep some. I can clean up.
Reality
I am learning. To be a chef and learn sucks. You will just do the same thing. You start at the bottom. The chef is cool. He is a gay man. I know it. He loves food. When he talks you see it. He tells me. To cook well is all detail. A tiny flavour. I must do some boring jobs. I don't mind it. I order this thing. I put in my iPod. I can work and sing. It's hot in the kitchen. Greece is hot. Inside here is hotter. You go outside to cool. I drink glasses of water. I will get used to it. I end the day and go sleep. It's a long day. I don't send email. Just shower and sleep. Sometimes I work at night. This is best. I can sleep in. The room is quiet at night. Tat will come over. Stay on the weekends. She's angry too. Fights with her boyfriend. He's a creep.
Before I am sad. But now I am really sad. I have a new job. I can be someone. But now it's not vacation. Now I realize I don't go back. Not ever. I think about Papa. I think about Marky. I won't see them. Each is far away. I can go 2 weeks. 1 week to see Papa. 1 week to see Mark. It's so little. I wish life isn't this way. I must give up something to get another. How come I can't get both? Nana sees me. Asks me what's wrong. I tell her I want Calgary. I'm missing it. She tells me she knows. She tells me use the phone. The internet phone is free. I will call Papa and Mark. Both say the same. Don't give up. It will get easier. Papa tells me about the divorce. Mom will fight. She lies. I get mad. I say you fight back hard. Mark is tired. I can tell his voice. He sais he just stays home. It's even less money. He won't say it. But I costed a ton for this trip. He will find a new career soon. He's done. I feel bad. I wish I can be there. Now his life is bad. Mine is better. I talk to them. I feel better. But I cry at night. Forever is long. I lie in bed. I think how proud Papa is. His little girl. Gets a job. Now will be a chef. He sais when I visit I can cook him a steak and potato. It's his favourite. I tell Marky. I can cook eggs. The mistake i make is heat. It's too hot. He just laughs. I tell him. You can cook with a flame. A gas stove. It's better. He tells me he's on that right away.
Before I am sad. But now I am really sad. I have a new job. I can be someone. But now it's not vacation. Now I realize I don't go back. Not ever. I think about Papa. I think about Marky. I won't see them. Each is far away. I can go 2 weeks. 1 week to see Papa. 1 week to see Mark. It's so little. I wish life isn't this way. I must give up something to get another. How come I can't get both? Nana sees me. Asks me what's wrong. I tell her I want Calgary. I'm missing it. She tells me she knows. She tells me use the phone. The internet phone is free. I will call Papa and Mark. Both say the same. Don't give up. It will get easier. Papa tells me about the divorce. Mom will fight. She lies. I get mad. I say you fight back hard. Mark is tired. I can tell his voice. He sais he just stays home. It's even less money. He won't say it. But I costed a ton for this trip. He will find a new career soon. He's done. I feel bad. I wish I can be there. Now his life is bad. Mine is better. I talk to them. I feel better. But I cry at night. Forever is long. I lie in bed. I think how proud Papa is. His little girl. Gets a job. Now will be a chef. He sais when I visit I can cook him a steak and potato. It's his favourite. I tell Marky. I can cook eggs. The mistake i make is heat. It's too hot. He just laughs. I tell him. You can cook with a flame. A gas stove. It's better. He tells me he's on that right away.
A future for me
I am there a bit now. Nana sais to me good work. She tells me we can have dinner. I think ok. She takes me out. I can't read it. She orders. She asks me. Do I like this job. I tell her yes. She tells me I work hard. Extra. I am on time. She sais the others like me. She has a question. She can train me. For a real job. An important job. I can pick. But I must stay 2 years at least. I will get the same room. A small pay check. But she will help me. She has some ideas. She gives me papers. Sais to me think about it. Take my time. I see the one. It's to cook. Then to be a chef. It will take a long time.
I think about it. I mail Marky and Papa. It's my choices. Mark sais do what I want. I take some days and then I tell Nana I am ready. I will be a chef. . I tell Mark. He is on the phone. He laughs. He laughs hard. He sais do I remember. I make the smoke beeper go off? He must open the door. And with a cardboard make a big fan. I try to cook him breakfast. I tell him you wait and see lol. I am on Food TV. I laugh. He sais to me. The show is called the food whore lol. He tells me you see. You can do it. I tell him. Bad news. I can't come back. Not now or ever. He knows it. He said life is tough. But am I happy? I tell him yes. He sais that's all then.
Nana takes me out. We have some drinks. I tell her I can be a chef. She smiles. She sais you can eat so much. It's a good job. Since I am little. I eat. It makes me feel better. If I am sad or angry I eat. I don't get fat though. Mark sais it's a fast metabsolsm. He said I'm lucky. Or I am 300 pounds. My tummy is almost flat. I remember. We are in Edmonton. He buys me cupcakes. It's 12 of them. I eat them all that day. I feel sick but I don't stop.
Nana is happy. She tells me I will train. Work with this man. I will like him. Nana and I talk. I tell her about my life. I tell her how I get so angry. I want to kill someone. She knows. She sais its my Mom. She neglects me. She sais how I am ain't my fault. It's Moms. I wish to find someone. Someone that pays attention. A whore gets attention. It's how I get attention. It's what she thinks. I don't have no man in my life. She sais. At easter she sees me. I'm different inside. I am happy. We talk. It's about my life. She tells me her life wasn't good. She did some things. She won't say. she tells me. Don't say it ever to her husband. Sometimes a woman must do things. I know. She won't say it. But maybe she is a whore too. She tells me I'm a smart girl. I've lived a tough life. She sais I kicked and screamed at it. I fought and I won. She will also get me to learn Greek. A tutor. I think oh. This is tough. Maybe I can learn good english first lol.
My sky is blue now.
I think about it. I mail Marky and Papa. It's my choices. Mark sais do what I want. I take some days and then I tell Nana I am ready. I will be a chef. . I tell Mark. He is on the phone. He laughs. He laughs hard. He sais do I remember. I make the smoke beeper go off? He must open the door. And with a cardboard make a big fan. I try to cook him breakfast. I tell him you wait and see lol. I am on Food TV. I laugh. He sais to me. The show is called the food whore lol. He tells me you see. You can do it. I tell him. Bad news. I can't come back. Not now or ever. He knows it. He said life is tough. But am I happy? I tell him yes. He sais that's all then.
Nana takes me out. We have some drinks. I tell her I can be a chef. She smiles. She sais you can eat so much. It's a good job. Since I am little. I eat. It makes me feel better. If I am sad or angry I eat. I don't get fat though. Mark sais it's a fast metabsolsm. He said I'm lucky. Or I am 300 pounds. My tummy is almost flat. I remember. We are in Edmonton. He buys me cupcakes. It's 12 of them. I eat them all that day. I feel sick but I don't stop.
Nana is happy. She tells me I will train. Work with this man. I will like him. Nana and I talk. I tell her about my life. I tell her how I get so angry. I want to kill someone. She knows. She sais its my Mom. She neglects me. She sais how I am ain't my fault. It's Moms. I wish to find someone. Someone that pays attention. A whore gets attention. It's how I get attention. It's what she thinks. I don't have no man in my life. She sais. At easter she sees me. I'm different inside. I am happy. We talk. It's about my life. She tells me her life wasn't good. She did some things. She won't say. she tells me. Don't say it ever to her husband. Sometimes a woman must do things. I know. She won't say it. But maybe she is a whore too. She tells me I'm a smart girl. I've lived a tough life. She sais I kicked and screamed at it. I fought and I won. She will also get me to learn Greek. A tutor. I think oh. This is tough. Maybe I can learn good english first lol.
My sky is blue now.
The best news
Papa emails me. It's the best news. He tells Mom. He will divorce. He is tired of her. Tired of these games. He will sell the house. He will give her some. He wishes she is just gone. He will ask. A job transfer to another city. So Mom is not near. I ask was she mad. She screams. And breaks things. Then she begs him. He sais no way. It's done. He tells me. Life is not good. He sees me go. Take the risk. He can do it too. He will get a apartment. It's small. They will sell the house. He will give Mom money to go. A lawyer does this.
I tell him. I am happy for him. It's good. I tell him. Come to Greece lol. I wish thought I could go. Move back to Canada. Marky, me and Papa can share a house. Both have jobs. I will cook and clean. I will take school. Get a job. I wish I can. Papa sais time will pass first. It will take a while. He said it's not done in a week. He said it will be ugly. Mom will turn on him.
You won't like these comments. But its' my thoughts. I wish Mom is a whore. She is old. She can't strip. Body is saggy. But she can suck cock. Her price is 3 greens. I think ha ha ha. She will suck cocks. It's her only job. Or maybe the MP. Factory fucking. It's Larissa's Mom. She's a brown for FS. She will give a red to the owner. She must have 10 clients each day. I wish on her the stinky ones. Like that man that farts. Or she can strap it on. Fuck a man. His shit is all over her. All she can smell is it. It's what a whore goes through. My mom needs it. I wish it. Why? For years I suffer like this. I have no choice. My mom's fists. Or being a whore. The whore is better. I remember I am 15. Papa is away. It's for a training thing. She brings home a man. She is drunk. She passes out. He is awake. Tells me I'm pretty. More pretty than mom. He wishes to touch me. I scream and hit him. My Mom don't care. She tells me. I make it up. He don't touch me though. So now I wish. My mom is a whore. Ha ha ha bitch. If I see it. I watch it. I would laugh. I hate her. Papa works his life. Each day he goes to work. So there is a house. So the bills are paid. She don't appreciate it. This woman I spit on. Worse is she goes out. Sex with other men. I bet you. She don't protect herself. Her and Papa have 2 beds. I wish Papa can find a new girlfriend. A woman that cooks him a steak. Or even a whore that is good to him. It's better than Mom. I think. What can she do. She can be a whore. Or a factory job. I laugh. In the summer it's hot. She will work in this. She deserves nothing more.
I learn. I hate my mom. My therapy lady sais it's extreme. I hate her. Because if my life is ok, I don't become a whore. I am Larissa with butterflys in her hair. If I don't hate my mom. I can have high school. I can have a graduashun. I can go to college. Get a job later. Have a boring life. Like I dream about. But no. I have 11 years. 11 years of angry. 11 years or hurt. 11 years of lonely. All I get was money. And now I have none. I can't get this time back. I will die and I can't remember this time. I laugh. I tell Papa big smiles. Good for him. She will be drunk more. She can be a whore. Car dates. She will suck his cock. It's a stinking cock. so much pubes too. She can smell sweat. And the shit. She can do this each fucking day forever. If you read this Mom. I never hate no one. But I hate you. You aren't my Mom. You colour your hair blonde. Afraid of Greek past. I laugh now.
I wish to call her. I wish to say ha ha Mom. You see my boyfriend? He loves me. He kisses me. He cries to say goodbye. You see my job? I work now. I get up. You can't do this. I can. You laugh at me all my life. While now I laugh at you. When I am 46, I'm not a drunk whore. I'm a big time person. People respect me. If Papa is hungry. I feed him. If Mom is hungry. I tell her eat grass. She can't get no man. Her face is creased. Her skin is thick. Good on her. It's payback for me. I should feel bad. But I doubt. I just feel good inside.
I tell him. I am happy for him. It's good. I tell him. Come to Greece lol. I wish thought I could go. Move back to Canada. Marky, me and Papa can share a house. Both have jobs. I will cook and clean. I will take school. Get a job. I wish I can. Papa sais time will pass first. It will take a while. He said it's not done in a week. He said it will be ugly. Mom will turn on him.
You won't like these comments. But its' my thoughts. I wish Mom is a whore. She is old. She can't strip. Body is saggy. But she can suck cock. Her price is 3 greens. I think ha ha ha. She will suck cocks. It's her only job. Or maybe the MP. Factory fucking. It's Larissa's Mom. She's a brown for FS. She will give a red to the owner. She must have 10 clients each day. I wish on her the stinky ones. Like that man that farts. Or she can strap it on. Fuck a man. His shit is all over her. All she can smell is it. It's what a whore goes through. My mom needs it. I wish it. Why? For years I suffer like this. I have no choice. My mom's fists. Or being a whore. The whore is better. I remember I am 15. Papa is away. It's for a training thing. She brings home a man. She is drunk. She passes out. He is awake. Tells me I'm pretty. More pretty than mom. He wishes to touch me. I scream and hit him. My Mom don't care. She tells me. I make it up. He don't touch me though. So now I wish. My mom is a whore. Ha ha ha bitch. If I see it. I watch it. I would laugh. I hate her. Papa works his life. Each day he goes to work. So there is a house. So the bills are paid. She don't appreciate it. This woman I spit on. Worse is she goes out. Sex with other men. I bet you. She don't protect herself. Her and Papa have 2 beds. I wish Papa can find a new girlfriend. A woman that cooks him a steak. Or even a whore that is good to him. It's better than Mom. I think. What can she do. She can be a whore. Or a factory job. I laugh. In the summer it's hot. She will work in this. She deserves nothing more.
I learn. I hate my mom. My therapy lady sais it's extreme. I hate her. Because if my life is ok, I don't become a whore. I am Larissa with butterflys in her hair. If I don't hate my mom. I can have high school. I can have a graduashun. I can go to college. Get a job later. Have a boring life. Like I dream about. But no. I have 11 years. 11 years of angry. 11 years or hurt. 11 years of lonely. All I get was money. And now I have none. I can't get this time back. I will die and I can't remember this time. I laugh. I tell Papa big smiles. Good for him. She will be drunk more. She can be a whore. Car dates. She will suck his cock. It's a stinking cock. so much pubes too. She can smell sweat. And the shit. She can do this each fucking day forever. If you read this Mom. I never hate no one. But I hate you. You aren't my Mom. You colour your hair blonde. Afraid of Greek past. I laugh now.
I wish to call her. I wish to say ha ha Mom. You see my boyfriend? He loves me. He kisses me. He cries to say goodbye. You see my job? I work now. I get up. You can't do this. I can. You laugh at me all my life. While now I laugh at you. When I am 46, I'm not a drunk whore. I'm a big time person. People respect me. If Papa is hungry. I feed him. If Mom is hungry. I tell her eat grass. She can't get no man. Her face is creased. Her skin is thick. Good on her. It's payback for me. I should feel bad. But I doubt. I just feel good inside.
A girl
I am working. I work with Tatiana. I call her Tat. She is here working. Just like me. She is english. She tells me. She must get away. Her life is not good. Her boyfriend is a jerk. She is afraid. Afraid to be single. I tell her. No big deal. Single is good. She asks. I have a boyfriend. I tell her I did. A good one. But I must fix my life. She won't ask why. Thank goodness. We can work together. She cleans rooms sometimes. I am lonely now. I can't find a boyfriend. I don't want it. But I like to snuggle. Tat is bi. I can sense. Or just curious. She is alone too. We can make good friends. She shares her area. I have privacy. She can stay with me. We are quiet about it. Nobody knows. How can they. 2 girls. Laughing. I am cautious. Don't get caught outside.
Tat is cute. She is younger. College. Took the year off. She's hawt. It feels good to kiss. It feels good to hug. It feels good to have sex. Helps me forget Marky. I must forget him now. Each day it depends. Someday I don't remember it. Other days I can go to the bathroom. And cry. I start to email less. I must let go. I sitll email Papa. He is proud. Said good move.
Are you bi? If you are, you like both. But you prefer one. I know I prefer a man. I am scared of men. I can't be close. A man asks me out. On a date. I freeze. I can't talk. I just walk away. He comes after. Sais sorry I didn't mean to hurt you. I tell him I can't go on a date. I can touch a woman. But a man? The though makes me feel dirty. But I like men. To date a girl is good. She is soft and tender. Her kiss is always soft. Her touch is too. She knows what you like. But still it's different. A man is tough. His body is hard. He is aggressive. He commands things. I miss this. You can't get it. Not from a girl anyway. Still, it makes me forget.
Tat is cute. She is younger. College. Took the year off. She's hawt. It feels good to kiss. It feels good to hug. It feels good to have sex. Helps me forget Marky. I must forget him now. Each day it depends. Someday I don't remember it. Other days I can go to the bathroom. And cry. I start to email less. I must let go. I sitll email Papa. He is proud. Said good move.
Are you bi? If you are, you like both. But you prefer one. I know I prefer a man. I am scared of men. I can't be close. A man asks me out. On a date. I freeze. I can't talk. I just walk away. He comes after. Sais sorry I didn't mean to hurt you. I tell him I can't go on a date. I can touch a woman. But a man? The though makes me feel dirty. But I like men. To date a girl is good. She is soft and tender. Her kiss is always soft. Her touch is too. She knows what you like. But still it's different. A man is tough. His body is hard. He is aggressive. He commands things. I miss this. You can't get it. Not from a girl anyway. Still, it makes me forget.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
First Day of Work
Nana comes for me. It's morning. I will go with her. The office. The woman there speaks english. I will help her. It's just an office job. It's tough. The stuff is Greek. I can't read it. The day goes fast. Nana asks me. Do I like it? I say yes. I'm scared but they are nice. She tells me not to worry. Take my time.
I go to the room. I will listen to music. I listen to the radio. It's the same as Canada sometimes. Sometimes i don't know it. I will write Papa. And Marky. There is hours behind. I think it's 8. So for me. It's nite. There is morning. It sucks. I can't talk. To talk I must get up early. So I do this. Go sleep early. Get up at 4 am. Then we chat. I can chat till work starts. I have nothing else. It's nice to chat to Marky. I tell him. He must visit me. But it's hot here. He don't like hot. He likes water. I tell him the ocean here is nice. He tells me it's the Mediterainian Sea. Not the ocean. I ask do you come here. he sais no. I say how do you know. He laughs. He took it in school. I quit school lol. I don't know it.
I am good so far. I am learning. The people are nice. Some speak english Some can't. Tourists come. Germany. England. all over. I met some from England. They can speak. I like their accent. Nana gets me to help them. It becomes my job.
All the different is good. I forget I'm alone. It's like vacation for me. I will go to the water. It's very hot. I can't talk. Just go see it. It's like a foreign land. I am on Mars. It's different than Canada.
I go to the room. I will listen to music. I listen to the radio. It's the same as Canada sometimes. Sometimes i don't know it. I will write Papa. And Marky. There is hours behind. I think it's 8. So for me. It's nite. There is morning. It sucks. I can't talk. To talk I must get up early. So I do this. Go sleep early. Get up at 4 am. Then we chat. I can chat till work starts. I have nothing else. It's nice to chat to Marky. I tell him. He must visit me. But it's hot here. He don't like hot. He likes water. I tell him the ocean here is nice. He tells me it's the Mediterainian Sea. Not the ocean. I ask do you come here. he sais no. I say how do you know. He laughs. He took it in school. I quit school lol. I don't know it.
I am good so far. I am learning. The people are nice. Some speak english Some can't. Tourists come. Germany. England. all over. I met some from England. They can speak. I like their accent. Nana gets me to help them. It becomes my job.
All the different is good. I forget I'm alone. It's like vacation for me. I will go to the water. It's very hot. I can't talk. Just go see it. It's like a foreign land. I am on Mars. It's different than Canada.
A new start
How do I feel? I have a new start. I have a job. I won't lose it. I have a place to stay. It's nice. I can eat whatever food. Steak each day. Sounds good? All I want is home. To go back. See the ducks. Listen to the river. Sit with Marky on the couch. He will move now. To a cheaper place. Saves money for him. He spended so much on me. I am sad. He will throw away some things. He will throw away the couch. And the watching chair. It's where I watch sex. I tell him. Don't throw this couch out. He has no room. I tell him it's memories. He sais ok. He will find someone to take it. I cna't think it. This couch in the garbage. I think of sitting on it. I wish I can have it.
Nana tells me. I can have a week. To get used to it. Then she will get me working. I will learn the resort. I will meet people. I will go out. I can see the ocean. Nana sais it's not the ocean. It's a sea. It's the same for me. The food is good here. Many cook. Seafood is good. I have lamb. Don't have it before. It's delicious. Here is less junk. More good food. Greece is hot. It's humid. Also at night. It's hot too. Calgary is cold. Many here come. They are tourists. Nana sais economy is bad. But tourism is good. This resort it's big. All kinds of jobs. I wonder what can I do. Not the maid job. I hope not.
Nana takes me. She meets me with others. She tells them I am family. So I can go anywhere. I can eat any food. Order anything. Nana gives me a room. I get internet. I can eat any food. Drink too. I get a small wage. It's not great. It's like fast food. It's the deal. It's a good deal. Nana don't know. I can eat lol. For me I like breakfast. The buffett table. To see the new stuff. It's cool. I forget my tears. I meet people. Some come from all over. Also. People here are from all over. I remember. I meet this family. They are from Canada. I am amazed. It's home. I said I'm from Calgary. They are Toronto.
Nana tells me. I can have a week. To get used to it. Then she will get me working. I will learn the resort. I will meet people. I will go out. I can see the ocean. Nana sais it's not the ocean. It's a sea. It's the same for me. The food is good here. Many cook. Seafood is good. I have lamb. Don't have it before. It's delicious. Here is less junk. More good food. Greece is hot. It's humid. Also at night. It's hot too. Calgary is cold. Many here come. They are tourists. Nana sais economy is bad. But tourism is good. This resort it's big. All kinds of jobs. I wonder what can I do. Not the maid job. I hope not.
Nana takes me. She meets me with others. She tells them I am family. So I can go anywhere. I can eat any food. Order anything. Nana gives me a room. I get internet. I can eat any food. Drink too. I get a small wage. It's not great. It's like fast food. It's the deal. It's a good deal. Nana don't know. I can eat lol. For me I like breakfast. The buffett table. To see the new stuff. It's cool. I forget my tears. I meet people. Some come from all over. Also. People here are from all over. I remember. I meet this family. They are from Canada. I am amazed. It's home. I said I'm from Calgary. They are Toronto.
Greece
The plane goes over the water. I can see down. I am not crying. Too tired to cry. The plane will park. I must get off. I hope Nana is here. I don't know how to speak. I don't know anything. Mark gives me money. American money. Sais just in case. We get off the plane. I must go through security. I don't care. Look in my shoe. You think I hide a bomb?
I walk out. There is Nana. She waits for me. She smiles. Gives me a hug. She sais how are you. I say ok. Then I cry. I tell her I miss him. She sais nothing. She sais let's eat. I tell her ok. She tells me it's a big step. Going so far. Leaving behind everything. I tell her it's hard. We will go eat. This food is different. It's good. Nana laughs. She tells me when I am little. I eat like a goat. I am hungry.
Outside is different. No english. Just signs. Also, it's hot. The ocean is near. We will drive. She sais it's a trip. Not that far. Nana gets in the car. She holds my hand. She sais it's hard. She knows. We drive. I wonder. Where is Mark. I can't send him a text. No phone. No computer internet. It's now 1 day. I don't say a word. I wonder how is he. Is he sick too? I just know. I miss him. I wish I can snap my hand. Go back. I wish he can come. Nana drives. It's a nice place. It's pretty here. Different than Canada.
We get to this place. It's on the ocean. It's what she owns. It's pretty big. It's got lots of things. She calls a man. Get my stuff on this cart. She speaks Greek. I don't know it. He comes fast. Takes me to the room. I can't talk to him. DOn't know it. She comes with me. The room is for me. It's like an apartment. She tells me. Usually two share. But for me, I can have it. It's got a kitchen. The man takes my stuff. Puts it down. I ask Nana. It's got internet? She sais yes. She will show me. I connect.
First I email Marky. I check msn. I forget it's a different time. It's tomorrow here. He writes back. It's from his phone. It's Marky !. I missed him. I tell him it's good here. I like it. The flight is long. Nana gives me a room. I tell him I miss him. I love him. I wish to see him.
On my computer it's his picture. I just look. Then I cry. I want to go home.
I walk out. There is Nana. She waits for me. She smiles. Gives me a hug. She sais how are you. I say ok. Then I cry. I tell her I miss him. She sais nothing. She sais let's eat. I tell her ok. She tells me it's a big step. Going so far. Leaving behind everything. I tell her it's hard. We will go eat. This food is different. It's good. Nana laughs. She tells me when I am little. I eat like a goat. I am hungry.
Outside is different. No english. Just signs. Also, it's hot. The ocean is near. We will drive. She sais it's a trip. Not that far. Nana gets in the car. She holds my hand. She sais it's hard. She knows. We drive. I wonder. Where is Mark. I can't send him a text. No phone. No computer internet. It's now 1 day. I don't say a word. I wonder how is he. Is he sick too? I just know. I miss him. I wish I can snap my hand. Go back. I wish he can come. Nana drives. It's a nice place. It's pretty here. Different than Canada.
We get to this place. It's on the ocean. It's what she owns. It's pretty big. It's got lots of things. She calls a man. Get my stuff on this cart. She speaks Greek. I don't know it. He comes fast. Takes me to the room. I can't talk to him. DOn't know it. She comes with me. The room is for me. It's like an apartment. She tells me. Usually two share. But for me, I can have it. It's got a kitchen. The man takes my stuff. Puts it down. I ask Nana. It's got internet? She sais yes. She will show me. I connect.
First I email Marky. I check msn. I forget it's a different time. It's tomorrow here. He writes back. It's from his phone. It's Marky !. I missed him. I tell him it's good here. I like it. The flight is long. Nana gives me a room. I tell him I miss him. I love him. I wish to see him.
On my computer it's his picture. I just look. Then I cry. I want to go home.
Goodbye
We get to the airport. He parks. We get my stuff. He tells me it's enough for 10 years. He will send the rest. The rest he can sell. Helps him pay his bills. We go. We must check in. It's a long flight. With suitcases gone, we go. Will get a coffee. I can tell Mark is upset. His lip trembles. He bites his lip. We must go. I must go through the security place. He comes.
I don't imagine this day. I stand there. So long I waited. So long I wanted love. now I must leave it. My heart aches. I can't feel a breath. He just hugs me. I cry. He strokes my hair. Just sais ssssshhhhh. He tells me it will be ok. He sais he's proud of me. The toughest girl in the world. He sais now I believe in me. I know it. I hold him. I give him a kiss. I don't kiss in public. This time who cares. It's a long kiss. I just touch him. He holds my hands. I can't let go. But I must g o. I wish time can stop. Right now. Forever. I must go. He tells me he loves me. Always will. He is crying now. I am too. The people around don't look. I must go. His hand is in mine but then it's not. I must walk in the security.
I turn. I wave at him. I say I love you. He sais it back. He stands there. Watches me in the line. The lady is security. She looks. She gives me a tissue. She gives me a smile. Sais he must be special. I tell her just one word. Yes. I can't say more. I am through. Now I must wait. I go to the bathroom. I wipe my makeup up. I throw up. I feel sick. I try so hard. I can't cry but I want too. I have no phone. Can't text him. Only a laptop. I will email hiim.
I get on the plane. I have the window. Marky got it for me. The plane goes fast and is in the air. I look out. I can see Calgary. The mountains. Downtown. I wonder. Where is Mark. On the road. I try to see his car. I can't. Tears go on my face. We go higher. And soon there is no more Calgary.
I sit. I think. It's all I can do. I have my iPod. I play songs. These don't help. Makes me cry more. I listen to our song. It's 2 is better than 1. A man sings, then a girl sings it. It's two people in love. For them nothing else matters. It's our song. It's always our song. I can hear it 100 years from now. And I think of him.
You can see this song here. It's our song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E231TF4CzU0 I listen to it over and over. I can only cry. I won't sleep. Just look out the window.
I don't imagine this day. I stand there. So long I waited. So long I wanted love. now I must leave it. My heart aches. I can't feel a breath. He just hugs me. I cry. He strokes my hair. Just sais ssssshhhhh. He tells me it will be ok. He sais he's proud of me. The toughest girl in the world. He sais now I believe in me. I know it. I hold him. I give him a kiss. I don't kiss in public. This time who cares. It's a long kiss. I just touch him. He holds my hands. I can't let go. But I must g o. I wish time can stop. Right now. Forever. I must go. He tells me he loves me. Always will. He is crying now. I am too. The people around don't look. I must go. His hand is in mine but then it's not. I must walk in the security.
I turn. I wave at him. I say I love you. He sais it back. He stands there. Watches me in the line. The lady is security. She looks. She gives me a tissue. She gives me a smile. Sais he must be special. I tell her just one word. Yes. I can't say more. I am through. Now I must wait. I go to the bathroom. I wipe my makeup up. I throw up. I feel sick. I try so hard. I can't cry but I want too. I have no phone. Can't text him. Only a laptop. I will email hiim.
I get on the plane. I have the window. Marky got it for me. The plane goes fast and is in the air. I look out. I can see Calgary. The mountains. Downtown. I wonder. Where is Mark. On the road. I try to see his car. I can't. Tears go on my face. We go higher. And soon there is no more Calgary.
I sit. I think. It's all I can do. I have my iPod. I play songs. These don't help. Makes me cry more. I listen to our song. It's 2 is better than 1. A man sings, then a girl sings it. It's two people in love. For them nothing else matters. It's our song. It's always our song. I can hear it 100 years from now. And I think of him.
You can see this song here. It's our song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E231TF4CzU0 I listen to it over and over. I can only cry. I won't sleep. Just look out the window.
Sunday
I wake up. Marky is up. It's quiet. We will go have breakfast. We talk. It's like any day. But each knows. Today is the day. I will leave. I have trouble. I can't swallow the food. I fight tears. He is quiet. His eyes are soft too. We go upstairs. In the room he kisses me. We make love. It's soft and tender. He tells me he loves me. He holds me. For a long time. We don't speak. I can feel his tears. They run on my skin. He can feel mine too. We must get dressed. It's time. All is packed. Marky goes to leave. He turns. Takes a photo on the phone. He takes a photo of all things. He has many. We go downstairs. We will drive to the airport. I look behind me. I can see Calgary. I don't see it again for a while. I can see the mountains. So close but so far away. I can see the building. I think. My life here. Walking 4th St. All the places. I think of being a whore. IT feels 100 years ago. The drugs. The anger. The control. They are so much of my life. But it seems the last 9 months is my real life. The car goes up the road. I look out. We don't speak. Just think.
The Princess Weekend - Saturday
Marky woke me up early. How only a boyfriend can. He told me, let's go. It's hair day. He has booked me. I can get my hair done. I shower fast and just tie my hair up. The place is close. It's swank too. I'm booked with the boss lady. She washes my hair. Then she asks. What do I want. Mark sais anything. I tell her. I will get blonde and red. My hair is black. She tells me I have good hair. I get some colors in it. She also waves it. Marky sais it's great. He loves two hair colors. Black and red. I am there a long time. This girl is nice. She's fun. She is pretty too. I think I could do this. I can be this person. What a good job. Make others pretty. Every girl likes it.
After it's done, we pay. I can't believe it. The price is so high. Mark sais so what. Now one more place. It's a spa. There I have a massage. I sit in a hot room. The table makes me laugh. I laugh because the MP has this table too. I wonder if this lady knows it? Probably not. This feels good. After I wish a nap. I will shower. Then dress. Mark sais now it's food, then shopping. We will walk. We walk to Eau Claire. I laugh. I tell him. It started her Marky. He sais he knows. It's so long ago. Seems another world. Now Eau Claire has none. It's different now. Less come here. We walk. To the island. We go to this place. River Cafe. Do you know it? It's a fairytale. No cars go there. Just on foot. We go there, have late lunch. It's very nice. It's not enough. Mark laughs. Sais Dennys is better for me. If you go to Calgary. You see this place. It's pretty. The food is very good. It's not so much but very good.
We go back. We will go shopping. Stephen Ave. It's a street with no cars. There are nice stores. We go to the mall. Shop there too. We go to Holt Renfrew. He takes me here before. Some months ago. We shop. I get some new jeans. Mark tells me. I look hot. He wants to come in the room. I tell him he can't. Cameras stupid lol. In the one store I try on many things. I have a lot. Mark carries some. He asks the woman. Sais politely could he go with me. This way I won't come out each time I change. She smiles and sais yes. I get inside this room. I will change. He puts me in the corner. I have a skirt. Soon it's lifted up. He will give me quick daty and sex lol. In this room. After I try on the clothes. The lady asks. Which do I want. I tell her the ones. She smiles. I laugh in my head. You don't knwo it. We just fucked in your room. It's a first for me lol. Mark tells me it's a fantasy. He likes this game.
I get home. I will try on the clothes. It's a runway for me. It's a lot. Also, we get two new suitcases. And a pack for me. It holds the laptop. It's Saturday now. In 1 day I am on a plane. Tonight is the final night. I don't think this. No way. Spoils it all. He takes me to eat. It's a good place. Near the hotel. I have a steak. It's so good. it's big too. Do you know Teatro? You can go. Take your wife. She will suck your cock after lol. We go back to the hotel. I will have a bath. We will go out for more drinks.
First is a club. It's music there. It's funky. It's like ikea inside. We are there for a bit. Then, we go. Smoke this pipe. Mark sais it's a hookah. I laugh and snort. Smoke a hookah? He tells me yes. He is not kidding. We stay here. I can smoke it. There are flavours. It's cool. Do you do this? I never do it. It's from Arabia. After this, we leave. Get a taxi. The cab stops. I know it. The Ship and Anchor. The sun is setting. It's busy here. Nice tonight too. We get a seat. Instead of sitting across. He is next to me. He will order a beer. His fav. It's called Trad. I can have one too. He orders food. For me to pick and eat. I love this food. No good for you. Belly gets fatter if you eat it. But who cares.
Tonight it's us. Just us. Alone talking. His arm is around me. It's just talk. We talk about us. How strange life is. A normal man. A whore. Together as a couple. I realize. We are both broken people. Both have bad families. For me. I rebel. I destruct me. Mark. He does too. But it's different. He becomes by himself. For me. I escape with drugs. For him. He has music. He has a drink. He goes to be crazy. As we talk. I think. We are not so different. The same really. Just different paths in life. I sti there. I think. I can't imagine life. If Mark don't come in it. He tells me the same. He sais before he is angry. Sick of women. He plans to get a bachelor condo. Live there for life. We have both come. We both are what each other needs. I look at him. I think. To see him he is successful. But he is broken inside. We talk more. Mark is good wtih big words. Not me. He tells me. What most surprises him? Is how he changed. How his views are different. To him a whore is a woman. Not a whore. He sais he is surprised. He said in all his life he didn't imagine. He could date a whore. And whats funnier? A whore makes him love again. Not be angry with women. He tells me. He's fed up. Wants a new life. Sick of his job. Sick of his career. Sick of it all. Tells me he hates work. I can tell for a while. He don't care. I tell him. You are smart Marky. Yo ucan do a new job. He sais he will. But some things need to be done.
We stay late. Take a taxi to the hotel. It's our last night. I give him me. We sleep. Arm around me. Tomorrow I must go. I don't think it.
After it's done, we pay. I can't believe it. The price is so high. Mark sais so what. Now one more place. It's a spa. There I have a massage. I sit in a hot room. The table makes me laugh. I laugh because the MP has this table too. I wonder if this lady knows it? Probably not. This feels good. After I wish a nap. I will shower. Then dress. Mark sais now it's food, then shopping. We will walk. We walk to Eau Claire. I laugh. I tell him. It started her Marky. He sais he knows. It's so long ago. Seems another world. Now Eau Claire has none. It's different now. Less come here. We walk. To the island. We go to this place. River Cafe. Do you know it? It's a fairytale. No cars go there. Just on foot. We go there, have late lunch. It's very nice. It's not enough. Mark laughs. Sais Dennys is better for me. If you go to Calgary. You see this place. It's pretty. The food is very good. It's not so much but very good.
We go back. We will go shopping. Stephen Ave. It's a street with no cars. There are nice stores. We go to the mall. Shop there too. We go to Holt Renfrew. He takes me here before. Some months ago. We shop. I get some new jeans. Mark tells me. I look hot. He wants to come in the room. I tell him he can't. Cameras stupid lol. In the one store I try on many things. I have a lot. Mark carries some. He asks the woman. Sais politely could he go with me. This way I won't come out each time I change. She smiles and sais yes. I get inside this room. I will change. He puts me in the corner. I have a skirt. Soon it's lifted up. He will give me quick daty and sex lol. In this room. After I try on the clothes. The lady asks. Which do I want. I tell her the ones. She smiles. I laugh in my head. You don't knwo it. We just fucked in your room. It's a first for me lol. Mark tells me it's a fantasy. He likes this game.
I get home. I will try on the clothes. It's a runway for me. It's a lot. Also, we get two new suitcases. And a pack for me. It holds the laptop. It's Saturday now. In 1 day I am on a plane. Tonight is the final night. I don't think this. No way. Spoils it all. He takes me to eat. It's a good place. Near the hotel. I have a steak. It's so good. it's big too. Do you know Teatro? You can go. Take your wife. She will suck your cock after lol. We go back to the hotel. I will have a bath. We will go out for more drinks.
First is a club. It's music there. It's funky. It's like ikea inside. We are there for a bit. Then, we go. Smoke this pipe. Mark sais it's a hookah. I laugh and snort. Smoke a hookah? He tells me yes. He is not kidding. We stay here. I can smoke it. There are flavours. It's cool. Do you do this? I never do it. It's from Arabia. After this, we leave. Get a taxi. The cab stops. I know it. The Ship and Anchor. The sun is setting. It's busy here. Nice tonight too. We get a seat. Instead of sitting across. He is next to me. He will order a beer. His fav. It's called Trad. I can have one too. He orders food. For me to pick and eat. I love this food. No good for you. Belly gets fatter if you eat it. But who cares.
Tonight it's us. Just us. Alone talking. His arm is around me. It's just talk. We talk about us. How strange life is. A normal man. A whore. Together as a couple. I realize. We are both broken people. Both have bad families. For me. I rebel. I destruct me. Mark. He does too. But it's different. He becomes by himself. For me. I escape with drugs. For him. He has music. He has a drink. He goes to be crazy. As we talk. I think. We are not so different. The same really. Just different paths in life. I sti there. I think. I can't imagine life. If Mark don't come in it. He tells me the same. He sais before he is angry. Sick of women. He plans to get a bachelor condo. Live there for life. We have both come. We both are what each other needs. I look at him. I think. To see him he is successful. But he is broken inside. We talk more. Mark is good wtih big words. Not me. He tells me. What most surprises him? Is how he changed. How his views are different. To him a whore is a woman. Not a whore. He sais he is surprised. He said in all his life he didn't imagine. He could date a whore. And whats funnier? A whore makes him love again. Not be angry with women. He tells me. He's fed up. Wants a new life. Sick of his job. Sick of his career. Sick of it all. Tells me he hates work. I can tell for a while. He don't care. I tell him. You are smart Marky. Yo ucan do a new job. He sais he will. But some things need to be done.
We stay late. Take a taxi to the hotel. It's our last night. I give him me. We sleep. Arm around me. Tomorrow I must go. I don't think it.
The Princess Weekend - Friday
We get the plane ticket. It's a lot. It's long too. I get a big seat. Mark sais it's better. It's expensive. He don't care. He sells stocks. Sais not worth much anyway. Might as well blow it. It's our last weekend. I think what can I do. I tell him. We can get drunk. Go to each bar? We can get a whore. Pay for the night. Mark tells me no. He has a surprise
He takes time from work. He sais to get ready. Won't say wear we go. I think Banff? nope. It's just downtown lol. The Palliser hotel. We go there. It's swank. He rents a huge room. The bathtub is big. Marky turns off his phone. Sais it's just us. This room is huge. It's like a millioniare gets. We go for dinner. It's in the tower. He sais order all you want. Don't care for the price either. We eat. Then we will go to The Metro. It's a club. I go to the room. I have my clothes. I wear a body dress. It's so short. It's black. I wear no panties or bra. I get my old whore shoes lol. All clear plastic. We will go down the street. It's not so far. Mark laughs. YOu can see men. All looking. It's Larissa, 28. Mark 41. Must be a whore lol. I work it too. I can be a whore again.
Are you a pretty girl? You know it. Men are dog to the bone. They will smile. Help you out. All will look. Some peak. Others stare. All thing one thing. I want sex with her. Now it's fun. I have a man. Next to me. No one will come up. I will tease. Ha ha. I walk up the street. You are a pretty girl. Who hates you? Other girls lol. They look. I can see it . They think what a slut. Her dress is just below her pussy. Those heels are clear and high. No bra. It's the old Larissa. Power hungry. In control too. This time for fun. And for Marky. It's good. Others think wow. It's a good looking girl. What's he got. He has his cat smile on too. I know it. It means he's bad tonight. Bad in the good way.
We drink now. The air is warm. The sun is up late. Mark sees someone. He's like oh god. It's this guy he knows. He has this date. Her brain has 2 cells. Shopping and makeup. This is it. I don't like that right away. This man is a bragger. Reminds me. That time I have sex with that guy. The bragger. It's close to this too. I will fuck his mind. ha hah. The man comes over. He shakes Marks hand. He asks who is this woman. Sais to Mark, I don't know you have a girlfriend. Mark sais she lives with me. This guy is a creepy guy. His eyes make your clothes come off. He looks me all over. I just laugh. I will play it up. His date is dumb. She tells me the dress is nice. In my head I imagine. Mark and I fuck her. I will ride her face. Mark can do the work. It will shut her up. Its like bonnie and clyde. This guy keeps looking at my tits. I reach in my purse. I pretend it's a text. Mark sais curious? Who? I tell him loudly. It's Georgia. She wants to know. Cna she come drink at the hotel room. She don't care if it's just 1 bed. It's big. This guys face lol. I can see him thinking. I let him think. He will think all night. When he has sex with chatterbox. He will be 1 minute. She won't know. She probably talks during sex. She is drunk too. I will tease her. I put my hand on her leg. lol. she will tell this bragger guy. heh heh.
We leave. Mark asks did I get a text really? I laugh. No, I just say it. He laughs. Till tears come. He sais you are the biggest nasty bitch. He loves it. I tell him. That guy is gross. He sais yes. He can't stand him. Walking back. Some men yell from the car. It's a rude comment. Mark goes to say something. I say no. I pull down my dress. Show my tit. Then I give them a finger. I shouted FUCK YOU. I laughed. Did you like the tit? Many have seen it.
We have a bath. We drink in there. Afterwards dry off. The bed is great. Like sleeping on a cloud.
He takes time from work. He sais to get ready. Won't say wear we go. I think Banff? nope. It's just downtown lol. The Palliser hotel. We go there. It's swank. He rents a huge room. The bathtub is big. Marky turns off his phone. Sais it's just us. This room is huge. It's like a millioniare gets. We go for dinner. It's in the tower. He sais order all you want. Don't care for the price either. We eat. Then we will go to The Metro. It's a club. I go to the room. I have my clothes. I wear a body dress. It's so short. It's black. I wear no panties or bra. I get my old whore shoes lol. All clear plastic. We will go down the street. It's not so far. Mark laughs. YOu can see men. All looking. It's Larissa, 28. Mark 41. Must be a whore lol. I work it too. I can be a whore again.
Are you a pretty girl? You know it. Men are dog to the bone. They will smile. Help you out. All will look. Some peak. Others stare. All thing one thing. I want sex with her. Now it's fun. I have a man. Next to me. No one will come up. I will tease. Ha ha. I walk up the street. You are a pretty girl. Who hates you? Other girls lol. They look. I can see it . They think what a slut. Her dress is just below her pussy. Those heels are clear and high. No bra. It's the old Larissa. Power hungry. In control too. This time for fun. And for Marky. It's good. Others think wow. It's a good looking girl. What's he got. He has his cat smile on too. I know it. It means he's bad tonight. Bad in the good way.
We drink now. The air is warm. The sun is up late. Mark sees someone. He's like oh god. It's this guy he knows. He has this date. Her brain has 2 cells. Shopping and makeup. This is it. I don't like that right away. This man is a bragger. Reminds me. That time I have sex with that guy. The bragger. It's close to this too. I will fuck his mind. ha hah. The man comes over. He shakes Marks hand. He asks who is this woman. Sais to Mark, I don't know you have a girlfriend. Mark sais she lives with me. This guy is a creepy guy. His eyes make your clothes come off. He looks me all over. I just laugh. I will play it up. His date is dumb. She tells me the dress is nice. In my head I imagine. Mark and I fuck her. I will ride her face. Mark can do the work. It will shut her up. Its like bonnie and clyde. This guy keeps looking at my tits. I reach in my purse. I pretend it's a text. Mark sais curious? Who? I tell him loudly. It's Georgia. She wants to know. Cna she come drink at the hotel room. She don't care if it's just 1 bed. It's big. This guys face lol. I can see him thinking. I let him think. He will think all night. When he has sex with chatterbox. He will be 1 minute. She won't know. She probably talks during sex. She is drunk too. I will tease her. I put my hand on her leg. lol. she will tell this bragger guy. heh heh.
We leave. Mark asks did I get a text really? I laugh. No, I just say it. He laughs. Till tears come. He sais you are the biggest nasty bitch. He loves it. I tell him. That guy is gross. He sais yes. He can't stand him. Walking back. Some men yell from the car. It's a rude comment. Mark goes to say something. I say no. I pull down my dress. Show my tit. Then I give them a finger. I shouted FUCK YOU. I laughed. Did you like the tit? Many have seen it.
We have a bath. We drink in there. Afterwards dry off. The bed is great. Like sleeping on a cloud.
Each Moment is the last
I will go. If you know you will go. You can do 2 things. Sit and cry. Go live life to it's best. I will do this. It's not for long. It's the wild child time. Mark stops the gym. He will just spend time with me. We go out many times. In the week we drink. On the weekend. We eat out each day. I ask Mark. How can he pay. He sais not to worry. He has lots of time to work after I go. This life is fast. It's living for now. Mark gets up. He must for work. i don't. I just sleep. If I don't sleep? Then I eat and drink. Marky gives me money. Spend it. I pick up girls. We can share them. All guys love it. On the weekends. It's drinking even at breakfast. It's like with Victoria. But now I'm a girlfriend. Not a whore. We play the game. Mark loves it now. I stand on the corner. He picks me up. Pays me. We have sex in his car. He don't care now if we are caught. He teachs me to drive. I can't. I smash the pole with his car. He laughs. The bumper is sratched. He sais oh well. We go out too much. The people know us. It's bad for health. Mark doesn't care. He sais he's fed up anyways. Sick of working. He tells me. Just turned 41. Worked all this time for what? No one pays nomore. They have no money. His job takes tolls on him. I see now he gets headaches. He must hold his head they are so bad. Still we go out.
I know it now. We do this. why? We can't face the end. So rather than think. We are crazy. If you have fun. There is no tomorrow. Just now. Mark and I drink every day. I know each pub now. I know the liquor store man. He must wonder. I'm here every day. We take risks. We have public sex. Parked on the street even. We are so drunk we leave the car there. All weekend. Mark don't care either. I laugh. He is on the patio. Drinking. He surfs the review board. Don't care who sees. The bill to eat and drink. It's high. $400 one weekend. Mark don't care about work either. Now wears jeans and sandals. No business pants. I don't know then. But now i do. He just gives up. Don't care.
We are like this for weeks, then a month, then more. Our life is this. Eat and drink and have sex. This stops one day. In the mail is the papers. Now I can go to Greece. I must tell Nana. I am coming. I will get a ticket. A one way ticket.
I know it now. We do this. why? We can't face the end. So rather than think. We are crazy. If you have fun. There is no tomorrow. Just now. Mark and I drink every day. I know each pub now. I know the liquor store man. He must wonder. I'm here every day. We take risks. We have public sex. Parked on the street even. We are so drunk we leave the car there. All weekend. Mark don't care either. I laugh. He is on the patio. Drinking. He surfs the review board. Don't care who sees. The bill to eat and drink. It's high. $400 one weekend. Mark don't care about work either. Now wears jeans and sandals. No business pants. I don't know then. But now i do. He just gives up. Don't care.
We are like this for weeks, then a month, then more. Our life is this. Eat and drink and have sex. This stops one day. In the mail is the papers. Now I can go to Greece. I must tell Nana. I am coming. I will get a ticket. A one way ticket.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Days Go Bye
The days go by. In the title I say bye. Because I know it now. I will go to Greece. Weeks pass. We talk about it. Mark says. This is a chance. It's 1 in 1 million. It's Nana. I can learn there. Nana is a good woman. No crazy people. I can live the dream. See Europe. I can learn a job skill. Mark sais. It's the chance in life. He sais sometimes these come once. I ask him. Do you hate me? Wish me gone? He looks at me. I can tell I say the wrong thing. He tells me no. This decision is not made for him. For me only. He can support for forever. But is this good for me? No. This is a terrible decison to make. But sometiems it's life. He tells me. We can do the paperwork.
I watch the ducks. They are bigger babies now. Inside I hurt. I wish a chance. I can get a job. I can see Europe. It's my dream. But I must go. And I can't take Mark. He can't come. If I go. I can't see him. Maybe 2 weeks a year. I think many things. He will get a new lover? I can't. I can't think of a new man. I can throw up at this though. I ask him. You will get a lover. He sais no. He looks down. Sais it's not for him. It's for me. This journey I take. It must not stop.
Mark tells me. He is younger. Fed up in life. So he quits his job. He goes to Europe. 6 months. He lives in a room. Sleeps on the train. He goes all over. He goes with no friend. Just himself. He smells the ocean in Europe. Eats the food. He walks. Listens to the music. Dances in the club. He feels life. When he wishes money, he finds a job. works cleaning a toilet. Then goes. After time. He returns to Canada. His head is clear. He will change his life. He starts a new job. It's in computers. He said this finds him. Who he is. He tells me. Now I must go.
Mark tells me. You live for a dream. He points. You can see Calgary downtown? I say yes. He sais those people live the dream? Do they breath life? Do they love life? He tells me. If they die tomorrow are they happy. Do they have dreams? I don't think so. He asks. If you are old. Do you care which house you had? or the car? Or the furniture. He sais. Tell me a memory of Mark and Larissa. I tell him the club in Ontario. He asks. Is this what those people do. In the office? I don't think so. He asks. It's what you want? To breathe. Or to make a living. I tell him Breathe. He sais the answer is easy.
I know it too. He has did things. Lived his dreams. His father hates it. Wishes he did the regular job. But Marky won't. He tells me. His life is a journey. Where does it end? He don't know. I think hard. He dates a former whore. Just because he takes risk. I know he fails in life. Sometimes to break his heart. But he is here. Next to me. Because he makes a risk.
I decide. I will go to Greece.
I watch the ducks. They are bigger babies now. Inside I hurt. I wish a chance. I can get a job. I can see Europe. It's my dream. But I must go. And I can't take Mark. He can't come. If I go. I can't see him. Maybe 2 weeks a year. I think many things. He will get a new lover? I can't. I can't think of a new man. I can throw up at this though. I ask him. You will get a lover. He sais no. He looks down. Sais it's not for him. It's for me. This journey I take. It must not stop.
Mark tells me. He is younger. Fed up in life. So he quits his job. He goes to Europe. 6 months. He lives in a room. Sleeps on the train. He goes all over. He goes with no friend. Just himself. He smells the ocean in Europe. Eats the food. He walks. Listens to the music. Dances in the club. He feels life. When he wishes money, he finds a job. works cleaning a toilet. Then goes. After time. He returns to Canada. His head is clear. He will change his life. He starts a new job. It's in computers. He said this finds him. Who he is. He tells me. Now I must go.
Mark tells me. You live for a dream. He points. You can see Calgary downtown? I say yes. He sais those people live the dream? Do they breath life? Do they love life? He tells me. If they die tomorrow are they happy. Do they have dreams? I don't think so. He asks. If you are old. Do you care which house you had? or the car? Or the furniture. He sais. Tell me a memory of Mark and Larissa. I tell him the club in Ontario. He asks. Is this what those people do. In the office? I don't think so. He asks. It's what you want? To breathe. Or to make a living. I tell him Breathe. He sais the answer is easy.
I know it too. He has did things. Lived his dreams. His father hates it. Wishes he did the regular job. But Marky won't. He tells me. His life is a journey. Where does it end? He don't know. I think hard. He dates a former whore. Just because he takes risk. I know he fails in life. Sometimes to break his heart. But he is here. Next to me. Because he makes a risk.
I decide. I will go to Greece.
Nana
I get a call. I am shocked. It's from Greece. It's Nana. She tells me. She has something. I have some citizen of Greece. I can work there. Nana needs people. She can use staff. She can give me a job. And a place to live. She sais to me. You are needing a chance. I ask her. I must go there? Yes. It's for a year. Or 2 years. I say her let me think.
I tell Mark. Mark is quiet. He sais. Good idea. Good chance. He looks at me. He sais if you go, I can't go. It means we are not a couple. To hear this my heart cries. I tell him no. I can't go. How can I leave him. He just hugs me.
A bit passes. Mark sais let's walk. We go to the river. You can see. Baby ducks swim. They are yellow. Mark throws stones. He sais he thinks. He said to me. No jobs here for me. He said I can stay forever. He can pay for me. But. I must remember. What if he is gone? What if the bus hits him. How can I survive. He tells me. I should think about it. He sais it will break his heart. But, for me it's a good shot. A good chance. He said in life. Sometimes it's tough. The right decision is so hard.
I listen. I can't imagine a new life. I just get this life. I get a normal life. No whore here. Just me. I have a boyfriend. I can tell he loves me. I know it's tough for him. He works. I cost a lot. I eat so much. Also I know. He is right. If he goes, what? If I am single. I am again on welfare. Or I must be a whore. I will not be a whore. Not today or ever. I can sooner be dead. I watch the ducks. They are babies. They swim in a circle. The mom watches those ducks. The Papa duck is near. He's big. If you go close he will hiss. I don't like this choice. I tell Marky. I can think? He sais off course. He said to me. Think hard. About your future. I ask him. You want me to go? He sais of course not. But, it's also a good shot. He said Nana is a good woman. She's together. Smart. It's a chance for me.
I tell him. I will think. I ask him. Marky, what should I do. He tells me. Take out emotion. Do what is best for Larissa. Not for Mark. Imagine Mark is not here. I will think.
I tell Mark. Mark is quiet. He sais. Good idea. Good chance. He looks at me. He sais if you go, I can't go. It means we are not a couple. To hear this my heart cries. I tell him no. I can't go. How can I leave him. He just hugs me.
A bit passes. Mark sais let's walk. We go to the river. You can see. Baby ducks swim. They are yellow. Mark throws stones. He sais he thinks. He said to me. No jobs here for me. He said I can stay forever. He can pay for me. But. I must remember. What if he is gone? What if the bus hits him. How can I survive. He tells me. I should think about it. He sais it will break his heart. But, for me it's a good shot. A good chance. He said in life. Sometimes it's tough. The right decision is so hard.
I listen. I can't imagine a new life. I just get this life. I get a normal life. No whore here. Just me. I have a boyfriend. I can tell he loves me. I know it's tough for him. He works. I cost a lot. I eat so much. Also I know. He is right. If he goes, what? If I am single. I am again on welfare. Or I must be a whore. I will not be a whore. Not today or ever. I can sooner be dead. I watch the ducks. They are babies. They swim in a circle. The mom watches those ducks. The Papa duck is near. He's big. If you go close he will hiss. I don't like this choice. I tell Marky. I can think? He sais off course. He said to me. Think hard. About your future. I ask him. You want me to go? He sais of course not. But, it's also a good shot. He said Nana is a good woman. She's together. Smart. It's a chance for me.
I tell him. I will think. I ask him. Marky, what should I do. He tells me. Take out emotion. Do what is best for Larissa. Not for Mark. Imagine Mark is not here. I will think.
Time passes
Time passes. Nothing to say really. My life is the same and I like it. I am a happy girl. Mark is tired. He works more. They don't pay. He has headaches. It's weird. If I make him come, he will have a bad headache. It's a mans worst nightmare. He won't stop lol. It's the same.
Home Sweet Home
Do you know a good feeling? When all is smiling? This is how I feel. The car goes down the road. We go into downtown. It's 5th Street. I can see all around. People are out, life is busy. I see the places. I know it well. This is home for me. To see the apartment is great. I can't wait. I get inside. It's the big couch. Its' my bed. It's the kitchen. Marky has made me chili. It's a big pot lol. I will cook toast. Eat some. I lie on the couch. I can stretch out. I turn on the tv. It's Food TV. It's the man with the tattoo's. He goes to the diner. I think I want to eat this. I tell Mark I need this. He laughs. Nothing changes he sais. Still a piggie. I can lie here tonight. All night. Mark tells me, let's go out. He sais ask Georgia.
I call. She will get a baby sitter. We will go out.
It's night now. It's time to go out. We will go to the Vin Room. It's for wine. It's a good place. The food is good. BUt if you go it's expensive. You take lots of money lol. The patiio is good. It's on the roof. You can sit there. But tonight it's a bit cool. They have the heaters on. If you live in Calgary you know the heater. They heat outside. I think why. This is dumb.
The Vin Room is like this. It's good looking women. And men that are gay or wish to be. Mark laughs. They talk about their floor. I think I know why girls come here. If you come here no man can talk to you. They are all gay or wish to be. I don't like this man. The wish to be gay man. It's no man to me. Maybe they look good. But this is it. Some girls like it. I think they are confused. You want a friend? That takes all day in the bathroom? Mark don't mind gay. He doesn't care what you like. Sais it's a choice. I know it. I like women. I like a man. For his hardness. For his tough. I like a woman for soft. Softer touch. For me it's good.
In this place you chat. It's only to talk. We eat. It's good. But the plate won't have enough for me. I tell Mark. It's good looking women. He wants a few lol. He laughs. He said I am a handful. I tell him. Show me this girl you want. He looks around. He looks. Sais this woman. She is tall. Her hair is curly. She's pretty. She is a girly girl. I can see it. With two friends. Georgia laughs. She tells him. So tiger, could you get her. I tell him yes. You pick her up. I will watch. Give you a grade. We are all drinking now. So if you drink. You are bold. I watch it. Mark can talk to her lol. I see his game. It's funny. He talks to her first. It's minutes. But then talks to her friend. He listens. They will talk for a while. Georgia and I don't say so much. We just add a few words. The woman moves to the closer seat lol. Mark tells them our names. We're out for some wine. He tells her Larissa is back from Ontario so it's a reason.
The night goes on. We will leave. I am drunk. Mark tells the waitress. He will pay the bill. The woman comes over. She thanks him. Shakes his hand. Gives him a card. She sais to call. He accepts it. Thanks her. We leave. He laughs. I must see the card. She's pretty hot. Georgia sais she's straight. She can tell it.
We go to the pub. It's where Tattoo Girl works. She is working. We are drunk. I must eat. So I get a burger. Georgia gets wings. Mark only a beer. We eat. We pay the bill. We leave. Mark sais he must sit. Then he throws up. It's the wine. All over. He sais he feels better lol. He goes my god. I threw up 150 dollars in wine. We go home. I will do cartwheels. I can do this as a little girl. We get home. It's late before we all sleep. It's a good time. I am home.
I call. She will get a baby sitter. We will go out.
It's night now. It's time to go out. We will go to the Vin Room. It's for wine. It's a good place. The food is good. BUt if you go it's expensive. You take lots of money lol. The patiio is good. It's on the roof. You can sit there. But tonight it's a bit cool. They have the heaters on. If you live in Calgary you know the heater. They heat outside. I think why. This is dumb.
The Vin Room is like this. It's good looking women. And men that are gay or wish to be. Mark laughs. They talk about their floor. I think I know why girls come here. If you come here no man can talk to you. They are all gay or wish to be. I don't like this man. The wish to be gay man. It's no man to me. Maybe they look good. But this is it. Some girls like it. I think they are confused. You want a friend? That takes all day in the bathroom? Mark don't mind gay. He doesn't care what you like. Sais it's a choice. I know it. I like women. I like a man. For his hardness. For his tough. I like a woman for soft. Softer touch. For me it's good.
In this place you chat. It's only to talk. We eat. It's good. But the plate won't have enough for me. I tell Mark. It's good looking women. He wants a few lol. He laughs. He said I am a handful. I tell him. Show me this girl you want. He looks around. He looks. Sais this woman. She is tall. Her hair is curly. She's pretty. She is a girly girl. I can see it. With two friends. Georgia laughs. She tells him. So tiger, could you get her. I tell him yes. You pick her up. I will watch. Give you a grade. We are all drinking now. So if you drink. You are bold. I watch it. Mark can talk to her lol. I see his game. It's funny. He talks to her first. It's minutes. But then talks to her friend. He listens. They will talk for a while. Georgia and I don't say so much. We just add a few words. The woman moves to the closer seat lol. Mark tells them our names. We're out for some wine. He tells her Larissa is back from Ontario so it's a reason.
The night goes on. We will leave. I am drunk. Mark tells the waitress. He will pay the bill. The woman comes over. She thanks him. Shakes his hand. Gives him a card. She sais to call. He accepts it. Thanks her. We leave. He laughs. I must see the card. She's pretty hot. Georgia sais she's straight. She can tell it.
We go to the pub. It's where Tattoo Girl works. She is working. We are drunk. I must eat. So I get a burger. Georgia gets wings. Mark only a beer. We eat. We pay the bill. We leave. Mark sais he must sit. Then he throws up. It's the wine. All over. He sais he feels better lol. He goes my god. I threw up 150 dollars in wine. We go home. I will do cartwheels. I can do this as a little girl. We get home. It's late before we all sleep. It's a good time. I am home.
Friday, September 10, 2010
I'm going home
Papa gets up. To drive me. Nana will go too. It's an early flight. I pack my stuff. It's there. Papa won't mention last night. Nana talks. She is positive. We go to the airport. It's Hamilton. I must go. I tell Papa I love him. He is my father. He holds my hand. I tell him I never forget him. Nana talks. She sais I am a strong woman. I can contact her
On the plane I am angry. I hate my mom. She does nothing. Is a drunk. She won't change. I am a whore. Now I am not a whore . But she is a whore and a drunk always. It wont' change.
The plane goes down. Lands. My phone is on. Marky texted me. He's here. I go fast. It's the long walk. The big doors. I can see where the suitcase will come. There I can see Marky. His jeans. His shirt is purple. He smiles. I run at him. I tell him I love you Marky. He swings me in a circle. He sais I love you too. I can kiss him. It's the first ever. To kiss a man while others can see. I know it. I fuck up. I treat him bad, but now I don't treat him bad. I love him.
We get my suitcases. We go to the car. Drive home. I can see Calgary. I turn up the radio. It's my home. Marky laughs. sais calm down. I tell him it's home. I kiss him. He is driving. The car goes off the lane lol.
I know my life. I make all the mistakes. Now i can never again. And I don't.
On the plane I am angry. I hate my mom. She does nothing. Is a drunk. She won't change. I am a whore. Now I am not a whore . But she is a whore and a drunk always. It wont' change.
The plane goes down. Lands. My phone is on. Marky texted me. He's here. I go fast. It's the long walk. The big doors. I can see where the suitcase will come. There I can see Marky. His jeans. His shirt is purple. He smiles. I run at him. I tell him I love you Marky. He swings me in a circle. He sais I love you too. I can kiss him. It's the first ever. To kiss a man while others can see. I know it. I fuck up. I treat him bad, but now I don't treat him bad. I love him.
We get my suitcases. We go to the car. Drive home. I can see Calgary. I turn up the radio. It's my home. Marky laughs. sais calm down. I tell him it's home. I kiss him. He is driving. The car goes off the lane lol.
I know my life. I make all the mistakes. Now i can never again. And I don't.
The real whore
I spend each night. I talk to Marky. It's on the computer. I close the door. I can spend all night. I don't care around me. I eat dinner. Close the door. It's Marky. I tell him I can go back soon.
It's Saturday. My mom will go out. She tells me it's with gf's. I see her. She is a whore. Her skirt is short. It's like no skirt I wear. I can tell. She goes with friends. She might come back. I think how can this be. Papa takes care of her. Loves her. My teeth are tight. I am angry and sick. Fuck this bitch. I ask Papa. Do you know where she goes? He tells me. Country bar. I have some drinks. I get angry. I tell Papa I will see my friend. I don't. I go to this country bar. I take a taxi.
I get there. It's like bad Calgary. Hats all over. I don't like it. I pay to go in. I walk in. Just then a man says hello. I tell him nothing. I walk. it's all wood. Men and women dance. They want sex. I sit. I can see Mom. She dances. This man is younger. She is drinking. She goes to the table. I watch her. She laughs. It's young men. Young women. And my Mom. I think this. Papa works every day. His hands are big. He is tired. He pays the bills. She comes here. I watch her. She kisses this young guy. He is too young for me. I am 28. But she kisses him. This is how she treats Papa? She calls down my boyfriend? I realize now. I am not a whore. She is Queen Whore. I ask for a drink. Then another. I am angry. I can see her. She can't see me. Too drunk.
I finish drinks. I am angry. A man comes. Asks me for a drink. I tell him fuck you buddy. Get lost. I go. I walk to this bench. It's a table. I walk up. I look at my Mom. She is drunk. She laughs. She tells people. This is Larissa. It's my daughter. I say fuck you. No. You aren't my Mom. I don't have a Mom. I have a drunk. I tell them all. Mom. Do you know Papa? He pays your food. House. Cares for you. She gets angry. Tells me to mind my business. I tell her FUCK YOU. 28 years. I run away. NOW. NO. I won't. I grab her hair. I scream. Fuck YOU bitch. I hit her. I tell her afraid to be Greek. Afraid of black hair. I smash my fists. The drinks go all over. I take her. Out of the table. I hit her face. She hits back. I tell her I am not a whore. SHE is the whore. Young men. I hit her face. She falls down. I smash her then. I pull her hair. Get up bitch. Men come. They pull me away. I hit them. Bite them. Tell them fuck you. Stop protecting the real whore. I am not a whore. SHE is a whore. I am throw out. But I won't go. I go back. I run at them. They hold me. Tell me. Go home. I take a taxi home. I can just cry.
I get home. I go on the computer. Marky is online. I tell him. I want home. Now. RIGHT NOW. He asks am I ok. I say no. Now. He sais ok. In 20 minutes it's a ticket. For the plane. I call Papa. I tell him. I am going back. Tomorrow. I need a ride. If not a taxi. Marky says it's ok. Calm he says. I can't be.
My mom don't come home that night. Papa drives me to the plane. I go home. I tell him. I love you. I tell him there is more than this in life. I tell him I am a whore. 11 years. Now I am happy. Nana comes. She hugs me. Says you call me. It's in Greece. I cry. She sais good for you.
It's Saturday. My mom will go out. She tells me it's with gf's. I see her. She is a whore. Her skirt is short. It's like no skirt I wear. I can tell. She goes with friends. She might come back. I think how can this be. Papa takes care of her. Loves her. My teeth are tight. I am angry and sick. Fuck this bitch. I ask Papa. Do you know where she goes? He tells me. Country bar. I have some drinks. I get angry. I tell Papa I will see my friend. I don't. I go to this country bar. I take a taxi.
I get there. It's like bad Calgary. Hats all over. I don't like it. I pay to go in. I walk in. Just then a man says hello. I tell him nothing. I walk. it's all wood. Men and women dance. They want sex. I sit. I can see Mom. She dances. This man is younger. She is drinking. She goes to the table. I watch her. She laughs. It's young men. Young women. And my Mom. I think this. Papa works every day. His hands are big. He is tired. He pays the bills. She comes here. I watch her. She kisses this young guy. He is too young for me. I am 28. But she kisses him. This is how she treats Papa? She calls down my boyfriend? I realize now. I am not a whore. She is Queen Whore. I ask for a drink. Then another. I am angry. I can see her. She can't see me. Too drunk.
I finish drinks. I am angry. A man comes. Asks me for a drink. I tell him fuck you buddy. Get lost. I go. I walk to this bench. It's a table. I walk up. I look at my Mom. She is drunk. She laughs. She tells people. This is Larissa. It's my daughter. I say fuck you. No. You aren't my Mom. I don't have a Mom. I have a drunk. I tell them all. Mom. Do you know Papa? He pays your food. House. Cares for you. She gets angry. Tells me to mind my business. I tell her FUCK YOU. 28 years. I run away. NOW. NO. I won't. I grab her hair. I scream. Fuck YOU bitch. I hit her. I tell her afraid to be Greek. Afraid of black hair. I smash my fists. The drinks go all over. I take her. Out of the table. I hit her face. She hits back. I tell her I am not a whore. SHE is the whore. Young men. I hit her face. She falls down. I smash her then. I pull her hair. Get up bitch. Men come. They pull me away. I hit them. Bite them. Tell them fuck you. Stop protecting the real whore. I am not a whore. SHE is a whore. I am throw out. But I won't go. I go back. I run at them. They hold me. Tell me. Go home. I take a taxi home. I can just cry.
I get home. I go on the computer. Marky is online. I tell him. I want home. Now. RIGHT NOW. He asks am I ok. I say no. Now. He sais ok. In 20 minutes it's a ticket. For the plane. I call Papa. I tell him. I am going back. Tomorrow. I need a ride. If not a taxi. Marky says it's ok. Calm he says. I can't be.
My mom don't come home that night. Papa drives me to the plane. I go home. I tell him. I love you. I tell him there is more than this in life. I tell him I am a whore. 11 years. Now I am happy. Nana comes. She hugs me. Says you call me. It's in Greece. I cry. She sais good for you.
Frustrated
Papa will work. I will go out. Walk around. Come home. It's a quiet dinner. Papa and I sit. Nana will come. Her husband is quiet. Says nothing. Mom sleeps. Already drunk. If I can't do this. I can chat to Marky. It's the computer. I am happy to chat. I tell him about it here. He tells me hold on.
Papa is good. He must sleep early. His job is early. Nana doesn't. She is up late. We sit alone. We have a smoke. We drink rum. She tells me things. She sais. I am not at fault. She sais I am a victim. She said it's not you. Someone else. She tells me. She has troubles as a woman. No one is there. I have a laptop. It's from Marky. I run it outside. If he sends me a message i reply. Nana tells me. You love him. I can't say it. She laughs. She says no matter what it's him that gets the answer. She tells me. You know what you feel. So feel it. She said he is strength to me. I don't know it. She asks me. Do you love him. I can't say it. I just put my head down. She laughs. Yes you do. I say no. She laughs. Says yes. You are in love. She tells me. If someone loves you. They will always do what is best. Just for you. She tells me. Don't push him away. She asks, do you dream of him. I say hardly a day goes by. She gets two cigarettes. Gives me one. She tells me I know where I must be. She gets me a drink. She tells me. To find a good man is like finding the end of a rainbow. If you find it, God loves you.
Papa is good. He must sleep early. His job is early. Nana doesn't. She is up late. We sit alone. We have a smoke. We drink rum. She tells me things. She sais. I am not at fault. She sais I am a victim. She said it's not you. Someone else. She tells me. She has troubles as a woman. No one is there. I have a laptop. It's from Marky. I run it outside. If he sends me a message i reply. Nana tells me. You love him. I can't say it. She laughs. She says no matter what it's him that gets the answer. She tells me. You know what you feel. So feel it. She said he is strength to me. I don't know it. She asks me. Do you love him. I can't say it. I just put my head down. She laughs. Yes you do. I say no. She laughs. Says yes. You are in love. She tells me. If someone loves you. They will always do what is best. Just for you. She tells me. Don't push him away. She asks, do you dream of him. I say hardly a day goes by. She gets two cigarettes. Gives me one. She tells me I know where I must be. She gets me a drink. She tells me. To find a good man is like finding the end of a rainbow. If you find it, God loves you.
The fight
I wake up. I am hungover. I love Nana. I love Papa. But I don't like my Mom. Mark tells me. She watches him. The door has a crack. I think. You are a cougar? Inside I am angry. My Papa lives this. Each day. You think she cares for him? It's the first ever. I wish Papa gets a whore. A whore is better than this bitch. At least a whore is good to a man. My Mom don't care. If Papa is gone? My Mom is a whore too. Lives in the ditch. She can charge 2 greens for FS. I come back. I come to make friends. Now, I can't. I am angry. This time though. Larissa is not 13. No one can push her around.
It's a BBQ. Nana is in the hotel. Papa makes a steak. Mom drinks booze. She is drunk. She tells Papa what to do. She can cook? No way buddy. I sit. I listen. She drinks. She tells me about my life. I am a failing. I run away. She sais I am stupid. Life is better here than Toronto. I just listen. Papa tells her. Calm down. She can only drink. It goes on. She asks me. Is Mark your customer. He buys sex? I tell her no. No way. He is not this way. We meet at the gym. She sais its a story. She sais he only likes me. 1 reason. He is older. I'm younger. He wants me just for sex. I don't listen. She sais I am always stupid. Papa tells her to stop. It's not helping. Then she makes this mistake. She asks. He is now your pimp. Let's another fuck me? I am angry. I blow up. I get up from the table. I attack her. I tell her fuck you bitch. You don't say this. You tell me my bf is this way. I hit her. I hit her in the face and all over. Papa must come. Pull me away. I scream at her. I tell her fuck you. I spit at her. I tell her she is a whore. NOT ME. I am NEVER a whore like her. I have respect. Not her. She is a drunk. She goes away. Papa is upset. He tells me sorry. He asks why do I get mad. I tell him I'm tired. All my life it's just this. I cry. He holds me. He will talk to Mom. I can't see her. I hate her.
I wish to go back to Calgary. I hate this place. I must stay. See Papa and Nana. But I hate my mom. Now i cannot love her ever. I wish her to die. I wonder why. Why can Papa lvoe her? He is stupid. He is a good man.
It's a BBQ. Nana is in the hotel. Papa makes a steak. Mom drinks booze. She is drunk. She tells Papa what to do. She can cook? No way buddy. I sit. I listen. She drinks. She tells me about my life. I am a failing. I run away. She sais I am stupid. Life is better here than Toronto. I just listen. Papa tells her. Calm down. She can only drink. It goes on. She asks me. Is Mark your customer. He buys sex? I tell her no. No way. He is not this way. We meet at the gym. She sais its a story. She sais he only likes me. 1 reason. He is older. I'm younger. He wants me just for sex. I don't listen. She sais I am always stupid. Papa tells her to stop. It's not helping. Then she makes this mistake. She asks. He is now your pimp. Let's another fuck me? I am angry. I blow up. I get up from the table. I attack her. I tell her fuck you bitch. You don't say this. You tell me my bf is this way. I hit her. I hit her in the face and all over. Papa must come. Pull me away. I scream at her. I tell her fuck you. I spit at her. I tell her she is a whore. NOT ME. I am NEVER a whore like her. I have respect. Not her. She is a drunk. She goes away. Papa is upset. He tells me sorry. He asks why do I get mad. I tell him I'm tired. All my life it's just this. I cry. He holds me. He will talk to Mom. I can't see her. I hate her.
I wish to go back to Calgary. I hate this place. I must stay. See Papa and Nana. But I hate my mom. Now i cannot love her ever. I wish her to die. I wonder why. Why can Papa lvoe her? He is stupid. He is a good man.
Goodbye
Some days pass. I can tell you more. But I won't. It's the same story. I am angry. My mom looks in the door at Mark. As he puts on pants. He sees her. I get sick. This bitch can't stop. I come to make friends. But I hate her more now. Her stupid hair. All blonde. Are you Greek? you are proud to be black hair. brown eyes.
Mark comes. We go out. He must go back now. His time is done. We go for food. Then go home. It's Papa's house. He drives in a circle. He stops at my house. He gets out. It's the night. He tells me he must go. He stands there. I can see him. His lip trembles. He gives me a hug. I can feel him. He is crying. He tells me he loves me. He tells me come soon. He tells me he loves me. I can feel his tears. They go on my neck. His arms are strong. They go around me tight. It's a first. A man cries for me. It's never before. Not at 14. Not ever. His eyes are broken hearted. He tells me to listen to my heart. He will hold each hand. And then kiss me long. Then he sais he must go. Tomorrow is his parents, then the plane trip. He gets in the car. I watch it drive away. I find a cigarette. I smoke it on the porch. And many more. Nana comes. She sits down. She asks I'm ok? I tell her no. I can drink. She takes a cigarette. She smokes too. We sit. We drink and smoke. I tell her. I tell her about my life. She only listens. I tell her I am not good. All I am is angry. I tell her about Mark. I just use him at first. It's for food. It's for money. He has money in the jar. I take it. So I can buy a coffee. I don't tell him. She listens. Tells me she thinks he understands. I tell Nana. I am guilty feeling. She looks. She sais it's the best answer I can say. Maybe I can realize in my heart. I must look at myself. Not Larissa the whore. Not Larissa the manipulator. Not anyone. Just Larissa. The woman. I stay out late. I drink and smoke. It's alone.
Mark comes. We go out. He must go back now. His time is done. We go for food. Then go home. It's Papa's house. He drives in a circle. He stops at my house. He gets out. It's the night. He tells me he must go. He stands there. I can see him. His lip trembles. He gives me a hug. I can feel him. He is crying. He tells me he loves me. He tells me come soon. He tells me he loves me. I can feel his tears. They go on my neck. His arms are strong. They go around me tight. It's a first. A man cries for me. It's never before. Not at 14. Not ever. His eyes are broken hearted. He tells me to listen to my heart. He will hold each hand. And then kiss me long. Then he sais he must go. Tomorrow is his parents, then the plane trip. He gets in the car. I watch it drive away. I find a cigarette. I smoke it on the porch. And many more. Nana comes. She sits down. She asks I'm ok? I tell her no. I can drink. She takes a cigarette. She smokes too. We sit. We drink and smoke. I tell her. I tell her about my life. She only listens. I tell her I am not good. All I am is angry. I tell her about Mark. I just use him at first. It's for food. It's for money. He has money in the jar. I take it. So I can buy a coffee. I don't tell him. She listens. Tells me she thinks he understands. I tell Nana. I am guilty feeling. She looks. She sais it's the best answer I can say. Maybe I can realize in my heart. I must look at myself. Not Larissa the whore. Not Larissa the manipulator. Not anyone. Just Larissa. The woman. I stay out late. I drink and smoke. It's alone.
Hungover
My head is a gourd. Smashed with a stick. I can just lie there. Mark must go. Not us. We lie there all day. He comes back. It's night. He has drinks. I think I am sick. Who can drink. We will stay all night again. Worst feeling. It's hell.
Rude Boy
It's the club. It's a gay bar. We all decide. Mark won't mind it. Sais the music is good for him. You can't see this club easy. It's just a sign. Outside is a hut. You can smoke there. Inside it is big. The music is loud. We get this table. It's near the dance floor. Mark sais he won't dance. No way. He asks, which drinks? He comes back with many. It's a tray. My friend likes him. We drink. Mark drinks. He chats. If he drinks he talks so much. He loves this music. I ask him, will you dance. He sais no way. Two left feet. We go dance. In this place all dance. It's packed. We come back. More drinks.
You know, do you drink. If you drink you become different. I think it's you inside. Mark is drinking. He is talking lol. Chatty and moves to the songs. I tell him we can dance. He sais no no. I can't. I tell him to get up buddy lol. We all pull him. He will now dance. We laugh. He gets going to the songs. He knows these songs. You take a guy. Put in him drinks. He loves music. He will dance lol. Some good songs come on. We all dance and drink. Then a fav song is on. It's Rude Boy. Marky is drunk lol. He gets on this box. It's in the air. He takes my friends gf. lol. He pulls her up and dances.
She moves with him. This song is sexy. My friend she laughs. Marky is very close to her. He grinds against her lol. If you can see it, you laugh. Some guy looks up. He licks his finger. He takes it. Runs it up his leg. Laughs at the guy. In the song she sings "is it big enough" He takes her hand, put it on him lol. She is laughing. My friend and I are crying laughing. The song goes slow in the middle. Marky sings to her. He runs his hands down her side. Still sings. She is drunk and laughing. When it ends they jump down. She laughs. We get some more drinks. Now Mark is drunk. So drunk. He goes back up to dance. Up there he won't care. He is just a big smile. He looks at people. I don't care. It's fun to watch. It's so much fun. I don't have this fun all my life. They play this song. It's need you now. Its a dance style. I will dance now. I am on the box lol. Some girl looks. I pull her up. We all dance. Marky gives her a kiss. She won't object. I don't care. This music is all night. It's wild. It's crazy. I have so much fun .
We will leave. We get a pizza. It's near. Marky tells me. He is dressed as a girl once. It's helloween. This guy comes to him. Tells him he's gay. Marky tells him, you want a man in heels to beat you lol. We have pizza. We will walk home. It's close. My friend. Her lover throws up lol. It's on the street. Marky tells her. He will piggyback her. She is good with it. She gets on him. As we get to the hotel. She throws up on him lol. I laugh and pee at the same time. He has goo on him. It drips off. We get to the room. He takes off clothes and showers. We get more drinks. I am kissing my friend. I tell her I like girls too. She sais she can tell. Her gf sleeps. Passed out lol. The 3 of us get drunk. It's a good time. who needs to know? Not you. It's late when we sleep. It's the best fun in my life. We all sleep. The morning comes. My head is a gourd. Beaten with a stick. Mark is so tired. He must go. He tells us stay. He can rent the hotel 1 day more. Too tired to drive us home.
You know, do you drink. If you drink you become different. I think it's you inside. Mark is drinking. He is talking lol. Chatty and moves to the songs. I tell him we can dance. He sais no no. I can't. I tell him to get up buddy lol. We all pull him. He will now dance. We laugh. He gets going to the songs. He knows these songs. You take a guy. Put in him drinks. He loves music. He will dance lol. Some good songs come on. We all dance and drink. Then a fav song is on. It's Rude Boy. Marky is drunk lol. He gets on this box. It's in the air. He takes my friends gf. lol. He pulls her up and dances.
She moves with him. This song is sexy. My friend she laughs. Marky is very close to her. He grinds against her lol. If you can see it, you laugh. Some guy looks up. He licks his finger. He takes it. Runs it up his leg. Laughs at the guy. In the song she sings "is it big enough" He takes her hand, put it on him lol. She is laughing. My friend and I are crying laughing. The song goes slow in the middle. Marky sings to her. He runs his hands down her side. Still sings. She is drunk and laughing. When it ends they jump down. She laughs. We get some more drinks. Now Mark is drunk. So drunk. He goes back up to dance. Up there he won't care. He is just a big smile. He looks at people. I don't care. It's fun to watch. It's so much fun. I don't have this fun all my life. They play this song. It's need you now. Its a dance style. I will dance now. I am on the box lol. Some girl looks. I pull her up. We all dance. Marky gives her a kiss. She won't object. I don't care. This music is all night. It's wild. It's crazy. I have so much fun .
We will leave. We get a pizza. It's near. Marky tells me. He is dressed as a girl once. It's helloween. This guy comes to him. Tells him he's gay. Marky tells him, you want a man in heels to beat you lol. We have pizza. We will walk home. It's close. My friend. Her lover throws up lol. It's on the street. Marky tells her. He will piggyback her. She is good with it. She gets on him. As we get to the hotel. She throws up on him lol. I laugh and pee at the same time. He has goo on him. It drips off. We get to the room. He takes off clothes and showers. We get more drinks. I am kissing my friend. I tell her I like girls too. She sais she can tell. Her gf sleeps. Passed out lol. The 3 of us get drunk. It's a good time. who needs to know? Not you. It's late when we sleep. It's the best fun in my life. We all sleep. The morning comes. My head is a gourd. Beaten with a stick. Mark is so tired. He must go. He tells us stay. He can rent the hotel 1 day more. Too tired to drive us home.
Night Timing
I go see an old friend. We are friends. It's high school she is my friend. She is surprised to see me. She is my best friend. I not see her for 1 decade. She tells me I look good. I chat to her. It's over some wine. I tell her I'm in Calgary. I have a boyfriend. He comes to Ontario. I ask her. Do you have a bf? She tells me no. She sais a gf. She is a lesbian. I am surprised. All the boys like her at 15 lol. I say wow. I meet her partner. She's a pretty girl. They ask. Can we all go out. I say sure. I say Mark is in the next city. They tell me they want to dance. I say ok. I send Mark a text. He is good to go. He said 8 pm. His mom will sleep. He tells me. Instead to get a cab, he will get us all We can rent a hotel. Share the price. They agree. He comes to get us. The hotel is close to the club. It's right downtown.
Do you live in Ontario? If so you get to drink only from 1 store. It closes early. You must remember this lol. Or you have none. I think it's dumb.
My friend laughs at Marks car. He sais it's his Moms. He said tonight we wil get drunk. We drive 20 minutes. It's another city. It's Kitchener. We go to the hotel. It's downtown. Mark buys drinks. It's about 100 dollars. As he drives he looks. He remembers his life long ago. The hotel is big. It has a kitchen. It has a tv room. And 2 big rooms. One is for us. The next for my friends. Each has privacy. It's swank. And so cheap. Mark sais its because tough times here. No jobs. He tells us. You want to dance? They can go to the gay bar. It's 3 blocks away. We can walk.
First we can go eat. He asks do they like meat? They say yes. Larissa loves it lol. My belly wishes it. It sings for it. We go to this place. The food is one swords. They cut it off. He tells me. All you can eat. I can be fat if I want. Here we eat. And we drink. Then we must go. We can dance all night. I must buy some cigarettes. If I drink I smoke.
Do you live in Ontario? If so you get to drink only from 1 store. It closes early. You must remember this lol. Or you have none. I think it's dumb.
My friend laughs at Marks car. He sais it's his Moms. He said tonight we wil get drunk. We drive 20 minutes. It's another city. It's Kitchener. We go to the hotel. It's downtown. Mark buys drinks. It's about 100 dollars. As he drives he looks. He remembers his life long ago. The hotel is big. It has a kitchen. It has a tv room. And 2 big rooms. One is for us. The next for my friends. Each has privacy. It's swank. And so cheap. Mark sais its because tough times here. No jobs. He tells us. You want to dance? They can go to the gay bar. It's 3 blocks away. We can walk.
First we can go eat. He asks do they like meat? They say yes. Larissa loves it lol. My belly wishes it. It sings for it. We go to this place. The food is one swords. They cut it off. He tells me. All you can eat. I can be fat if I want. Here we eat. And we drink. Then we must go. We can dance all night. I must buy some cigarettes. If I drink I smoke.
The Porch
I am inside. Mark has left. I go to the porch. My Nana is there. She tells me sit down. She smiles a warm smile. She asks me I am good. She knows I'm a former whore. She tells me she likes Mark. He is a nice man. He is polite. She asks how I meet him. I say at the fitness club. He fixes my car. She tells me karma smiles on me. I tell her it all. I stay with him. At his apartment. She asks are you happy. I say yes I am. She says it's all that matters. We chat about her. I ask her how she is. Nana owns a resort. It's in Greece. The coast. Her and her husband live in Canada. They sell the house. Cash in money and go. I listen. It sounds good.
I tell Nana. Someday I wish to travel. I tell her Europe. I will see it. I will ride the train. I will swim in the sea. I will see the castles. I will taste good food. I will visit Rome. I will go visit her. She laughs. She said all the world is mine. I tell her I don't go anywhere. As a whore no time. Now, it's no money. She tells me. If you want it. You can have it. I tell her I can get some school. Get a job. Save up. Go travel.
Nana asks me. What do I take in school. I tell her. I will take business. She asks me. It's what you want? I tell her not really. I want to do a fun job. I will take pictures. I can take a camera. Films the TV show. Like on the Food TV. She tells me. It's best to do what you want. If you like it. It's not a job then. She asks me. Does Mark like his job. I say yes. He loves it. He loves what he do. But hates right now. She tells me. He doesn't work then. I laugh. I say he works all the time. She says well he likes it. I guess she is right. He hates his job. But likes his career. Nana is older now. I remember her. As a little girl. She would play. She would say. I am pretty like a princess. Nana is a tough woman. She is alive too. Maybe she is old but no way. She sais she lives long. It's because she has a drink with her tea lol.
Papa comes. He seems upset. Mom is passed out. Papa sais it's nice. To have his daughter at home again. We talk. It gets late but we talk. I tell them about my life. I say the past is gone now. I admit my mistakes. Papa seems shocked a bit. Nana listens. She said to not be ashamed of being a woman. A woman must do things. She said the cards are against a woman. So a woman must be stronger.
Papa likes Mark. He said he is a regular guy. He hopes that Mark will come for dinner. I don't know I say. He is here for his family.
Nana gets her rum. She pours a glass. Asks me do I want it? I say ok. We talk a long time. Papa stays too. He smokes a cigar. They tell me I look good. I have a head that is clear. Papa sais he worried for me. I tell him the same. The sun goes down. We are still there. We are there till late at night. Nana's husband is there. He is quiet. He sits near her. He sais little but he kisses her a few times. I can see it. They are happy. She is lucky. So old. And a man. And my mom? Drunk. Sleeping in the bedroom. I am glad. She isn't here. She will just ruin it all.
I tell Nana. Someday I wish to travel. I tell her Europe. I will see it. I will ride the train. I will swim in the sea. I will see the castles. I will taste good food. I will visit Rome. I will go visit her. She laughs. She said all the world is mine. I tell her I don't go anywhere. As a whore no time. Now, it's no money. She tells me. If you want it. You can have it. I tell her I can get some school. Get a job. Save up. Go travel.
Nana asks me. What do I take in school. I tell her. I will take business. She asks me. It's what you want? I tell her not really. I want to do a fun job. I will take pictures. I can take a camera. Films the TV show. Like on the Food TV. She tells me. It's best to do what you want. If you like it. It's not a job then. She asks me. Does Mark like his job. I say yes. He loves it. He loves what he do. But hates right now. She tells me. He doesn't work then. I laugh. I say he works all the time. She says well he likes it. I guess she is right. He hates his job. But likes his career. Nana is older now. I remember her. As a little girl. She would play. She would say. I am pretty like a princess. Nana is a tough woman. She is alive too. Maybe she is old but no way. She sais she lives long. It's because she has a drink with her tea lol.
Papa comes. He seems upset. Mom is passed out. Papa sais it's nice. To have his daughter at home again. We talk. It gets late but we talk. I tell them about my life. I say the past is gone now. I admit my mistakes. Papa seems shocked a bit. Nana listens. She said to not be ashamed of being a woman. A woman must do things. She said the cards are against a woman. So a woman must be stronger.
Papa likes Mark. He said he is a regular guy. He hopes that Mark will come for dinner. I don't know I say. He is here for his family.
Nana gets her rum. She pours a glass. Asks me do I want it? I say ok. We talk a long time. Papa stays too. He smokes a cigar. They tell me I look good. I have a head that is clear. Papa sais he worried for me. I tell him the same. The sun goes down. We are still there. We are there till late at night. Nana's husband is there. He is quiet. He sits near her. He sais little but he kisses her a few times. I can see it. They are happy. She is lucky. So old. And a man. And my mom? Drunk. Sleeping in the bedroom. I am glad. She isn't here. She will just ruin it all.
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