Tuesday, August 31, 2010

The beginning of the end

More time has passed and my life is now falling to pieces.  Mr Big isn't Mr Big anymore, he's an asshole.  A part in me loves him still I think.  But some does not.  Inside my mind I fight everyday.  I am stressed and angry all the time.  I still work at the MP but I am fed up.  Even with the regulars.  I'm sick of men entirely.  It's very hard to be an SP if you hate men.  I am tired of sucking their cock.  I'm tired of them bragging how big they are.  I am tired of everything they say.  If I walk up the street I don't even see men.  I'm that bitch with sunglasses on that doesn't see you.  I don't smile at you.  I only say a thank you softly.  If you talk to me, I answer with one word so you will go the fuck away.   I don't go see my boyfriend much.  It makes him mad so he comes to the MP and fucks the spinner.  I just think good for her.  She can have this asshole. 

To escape my problems I am drinking all the time.  It's 7 days a week now.  It's so much the woman at the LCBO must know me by name.  It's the point where I drink from the bottle until I fall to sleep.  Who needs a glass?  I start to hate myself.  I know one other drunk and she is my Mom.  I dislike her.  Even at Christmas I don't go see her.  But now I am here.  Now I am a failure too.  But I can't stop it.  I work at the MP and it's the same shit.  I'm so fucking sick of it.  Here is how my life was.  I wake up and feel horrible from drinking and I think I must stop this.  I get to work.  I hate work.  I come home and I open a bottle.  I have no real friends.  No one to talk too.  But if I drink it goes away for a little while.  My only escape is that I go to Church Street to a Lesbian bar.  There I can find some comfort.  But this comfort is shallow.  It only lasts a bit. 

You keep reaching for the Merlot.  I go see the doctor and he says I am depressed so he gives me pills.  It's great, just another crutch to hide what's wrong.  But I take them.  

1 comment:

  1. i have yet to see why you hate mr.big this much
    he is good guy that loved a whore and wanted her to stop work as would any normal guy would.
    now you say no to him but he loves you and cant dump you because of this love.
    every reaction that comes after that , is simply him protesting.
    so you managed to fuck up the only man to really love you.

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