The beginning of the end

More time has passed and my life is now falling to pieces.  Mr Big isn't Mr Big anymore, he's an asshole.  A part in me loves him still I think.  But some does not.  Inside my mind I fight everyday.  I am stressed and angry all the time.  I still work at the MP but I am fed up.  Even with the regulars.  I'm sick of men entirely.  It's very hard to be an SP if you hate men.  I am tired of sucking their cock.  I'm tired of them bragging how big they are.  I am tired of everything they say.  If I walk up the street I don't even see men.  I'm that bitch with sunglasses on that doesn't see you.  I don't smile at you.  I only say a thank you softly.  If you talk to me, I answer with one word so you will go the fuck away.   I don't go see my boyfriend much.  It makes him mad so he comes to the MP and fucks the spinner.  I just think good for her.  She can have this asshole. 

To escape my problems I am drinking all the time.  It's 7 days a week now.  It's so much the woman at the LCBO must know me by name.  It's the point where I drink from the bottle until I fall to sleep.  Who needs a glass?  I start to hate myself.  I know one other drunk and she is my Mom.  I dislike her.  Even at Christmas I don't go see her.  But now I am here.  Now I am a failure too.  But I can't stop it.  I work at the MP and it's the same shit.  I'm so fucking sick of it.  Here is how my life was.  I wake up and feel horrible from drinking and I think I must stop this.  I get to work.  I hate work.  I come home and I open a bottle.  I have no real friends.  No one to talk too.  But if I drink it goes away for a little while.  My only escape is that I go to Church Street to a Lesbian bar.  There I can find some comfort.  But this comfort is shallow.  It only lasts a bit. 

You keep reaching for the Merlot.  I go see the doctor and he says I am depressed so he gives me pills.  It's great, just another crutch to hide what's wrong.  But I take them.