A note about the author and this blog

OK Lar, you highlight all this text then right click, then left click on copy, then you do that again in the blog but click on paste.  If you're stuck, email me, K.  

This blog is about the story of a woman named Larissa.   The story is not fabricated and the characters are indeed real, including me.   I am Mark.   This blog is the story of the life of a single sex worker; in no way shape or form does it represent all women that women in the sex trade.  I would venture to say it’s rather likely this story isn’t unique.  The details are graphic & may be disturbing but they were her reality.  

Larissa was raised in a small city in Southern Ontario.  Her mother was an alcoholic and, to my knowledge, continues to have issues with drinking to this day.  Larissa suffers from fetal alcoholic syndrome which has impaired her ability to write; hence the poor vocabulary in the blog.  Initially she was against writing it for fear people would “laugh at her”.  She had requested I write the blog but a journey in life is best told by the first person, not a 3^rd party.  I suspect fetal alcohol syndrome is also responsible for her inability to study in high school & subsequently having her drop out.  She is also prone to emotional outbursts of rage & anger.  These subsided with counseling but it’s who she is & what she is.  The time I spent living with her was a rollercoaster of emotions for both of us.  I was admittedly ill prepared as a man to date someone as broken & filled with rage as Larissa.  In a perfect world I’d tell you how I loved having her around, but in the initial stages it was all about pity for another person not love or compassion.  

I admit, reading this blog is disconcerting for me because I’ve come to realize that the early stages of our relationship were more about what she could take and run with than about my feelings or emotions.  It also took me a great deal of time to fully grasp her past and her chosen profession.  I think it goes without saying that dating a sex worker, former or active, is not something I envisioned would happened in life.   Until I met Larissa I had assumed I was a free thinker and accepted prostitution.  My time with Larissa showed me I had an incredibly stereotypical view of women in the sex trade.  My judgments were based on information I’d gathered from the newspaper, Hollywood & my own ingrained perception of the world of prostitute.  It’s difficult to verbalize what I “thought” a prostitute would look like but I never envisioned she would be just like the girl next door.   I now count several sex workers as my friends & they’re incredibly wonderful people who have hopes and dreams along with true inner beauty.  

Larissa wrote this blog while in Calgary, Alberta, Canada spending some time with me for personal reasons.  Much of this blog was tapped out on my laptop at a local Café we frequented as a couple.  I had no input in this blog outside of teaching her how to set up the blog on Blogger.com and how to create a post, link things, etc.  These words are her words.  

 She will/has return to Greece and will continue her pursuit of becoming a chef.  Her one dream was to travel to Europe & experience life in another country.  Happily, she’s started down the road to achieving her dreams and goals.  In a perfect world one hopes for a fairy tale ending akin to the movie Pretty Woman.  That is not the case.  Larissa continues to resent males & has difficulty with male female relationships at any level.  She still holds in a great deal of rage about her pasts but has come to learn she was a victim of something beyond her control.  The path she took was her own but that past was controlled by her own addictions and her anger towards herself, her family and the world around her.  The deep seated issues that Larissa had will take years, not months to dissipate.  I’m hoping a positive life will allow her to fully understand herself and recognize who she is.  And I hope she recognizes that her failures & mistakes in life were less about her choices and more about her surroundings growing up.   I am incredibly PROUD of this woman for having the inner strength to share her story & face criticism & accusations from others reading it.  This blog is for everyone.  It’s thought for teens living in broken homes.  It’s thought for those working in the sex trade or considering it.  It’s thought for the men that use the services of the sex workers.  It’s thought for society in general.  

The sex trade is engrained in modern society and has existed as long as humankind has existed.  The pursuit of sex for money for whatever reason will never cease.  It’s an innate need of males.  As a society we need to recognize this and support the decriminalization of the sex industry.  The control of this trade needs to lie in the hands of the women selling sex.  Not in the hands of the government, the pimps, the thugs, drugs,  or unscrupulous owners of massage parlours & micros.  It needs to be in the hands of the men and women that ply this trade.  If you are a customer (pooner) of service providers (SP’s) please reflect on your own stereotypes of sex workers.   It’s not just the service providers that need to press for change; it’s the clients of the service providers.   Be that person.  Let’s hope for a day when buying sex is as acceptable as buying a cup of coffee. 

Please support the decriminalization of prostitution.

My name is Larissa

My name is Larissa.  I am 29 years old.  I work to be a chef.  I have dreams.  I will travel.  I will see Europe.  My life now?  I live my dreams.  Not my nightmare. I used to think this. I thought my life was bad.  Now, no way.  I don't see the bad. I see the good.  Some people love me.  They tell me.  You can do it.  Who can ask for more? 

Are you a whore?  Do you want to leave?  Are you afraid?  You can go.  You can leave.  You are smart.  You can make it.  It's gonna be tough.  You will cry.  You will be scared.  You will fear for money.  But you can make it.  You can have your dreams too.  Your dreams won't come to you.  You must go get them.  So you get them.  You can do it.  You forget the past.  And look for the good in life.  No matter how small.  It's the good you must find

Then one day.  You will see it.  The sun is shining.  And your skies are blue.  

This is the end.  Thank you for reading this.


Luv,
Larissa

A brand new life

I will go. It's home. It's Greece.  Papa's girlfriend comes.  He gets my suitcase.  I look around the house.  It's a house. I was a little girl here.  I had butterflys in my hair.  I think.  My mom hits me.  Drinks too much.  The little girl.  She is a big girl.  She is angry.  Soon she will leave.  Then her life goes bad.  So long it was.  All those years.  Where are they?   I can't go back.  I wish I can.  How much I missed.  I think it's sad.  I go all over.  I go outside.  I look at the tree.  I look at my room.  I tell Papa, don't change it.  Not until he sells the house.

We drive.  We have time.  I tell Papa.  Go the old road.  It's Hwy 7.  We don't take the 401.  Why?  Long ago.  I come to see Papa.  You remember?  He sends me to Banff.  Well the bus goes this road.  This road brings me.  Now I go back that way.  It's the end of this life.  It's the end of everything.

Papa tells me.  You play the radio.  My stuff.  I switch it.  I can sing in the car.  I sit in the front seat.  I send Marky a text.  I tell him.  I go home.  We do this all the time.  Inside I am sad. Before I go to Greece.  It's a vacation.  Now it's not.  I won't come back.  I hum the song.  Papa talks to his girlfriend.  I look out the window.  The trees are changing.  It's pretty.  The houses are big.  I think.  I remember the bus.  Coming from Toronto so long ago.  I am addicted to crack.  In the apartment.  Just smoke and drink.  I am dead.  I remember that bus.  I am low.  I am desperate.  I think what happened.  Does like get better?  I stop to smoking crack. But it's not better.  It gets a bit better.  I am hollow.  No feelings for so long.  I look out the window now.  Now is different.  I go home.  I return to be a chef.  I know it.  I won't come to Canada.  Maybe for vacation.  Maybe to visit two people. 

I think.  I don't like men. If they are close.  I feel no trust. But, 2 men change me.  Papa and Marky.  It seems funny.  Like it shouldn't be.  How can I hate men.  Yet 2 help change me.  I showed Papa this blog.  I said you can read it.  I don't be ashamed now.  I don't hide my life.  He reads it.  He is upset.  He tells me he failed me.  He even cries.  I tell him no way.  Papa keeps me going.  I think.  I can take pills.  Go to sleep.  Who will care?  Not me.  But Papa would care.  All his life he lives.  Thinking what mistakes he made.  When I cry in bed.  I think about Papa.  I told him.  He is the best father a girl has.  In any life.  No one is better.  I make mistakes.   He don't give up on me.  And  I can't give up on him.  Even when I am a horrible person.  He don't give up.  Now he is happy.  This girlfriend likes him.  They like the same things.  They like bowling.  They like fishing.  They like a steak.  I pray to God.  He can make this happen.  Papa works his lief.  Has nothing.  Just bad women.  Me and Mom. 

Then is Mark.  He is like Papa 2.  I watch this song.  It's Eninem.  It's a big song. It's Love the way you lye  The  video shows two that fight.  I watch it.  It reminds me.  It's me with Mark.  I think how I lied.  I cheated him.  Steals his money.  I hit him.  I break his things.  I remember I hit him.  Break his tooth.  I remember.  I take the computer.  I take the cable and cut it.  Two pieces. I am angry.  He works so much.  I will stop it.  I scream.  All can hear.  I slam the door so they can hear.  I know it now.  I am not angry at him.  I hate me.  He gets close.  I can't think.  It must be a trick.  I make him hurt.  I wanted too.  I don't know why.  He just sais calm.  Please be calm.  Then he cries.  Then he leaves.  I hear the door.  It's the stairs.  He will walk.  I will see his car.  It drives away.  He will go be alone.  Have a drink.  Come home later.  And is quiet.  Talks quietly.  Or has a drink.  Then he will be happy again.  I wonder how come.  He don't give up.  I know now.  I see it this time.  He is broken too.  He is empty inside.  I mistake it.  Now I know.  He just wants love.  He holds on to me.  Because he loves me.  It's one way street at first.  Then later it's 2 ways. You have a first love.  It's a boyfriend.  You are 15.  Not me.  I have my first love.  I am 28.  Love is tough.  I feel I wonder bad things.  Will he forget me.  Will he leave me?  He can find better.  Who dates a whore?

I know both read this blog.  So I can say this.  In my life 2 people live in my heart.   With each beat.  I love each.  It's a different way.  But each stays forever.  I am sorry.  I am sorry for bad words.  I am sorry I scream.  I am sorry I let you down.  Thank you.  Papa, I hope you get happier.  You deserve a smile.  You are the best Papa.  You  think you are average. No way. You don't give up.  You are my real Papa.  I love you with all me.  Mr Marky.  You spend a lot on me. I know you suffer for it.  Thank you.  You make me laugh when I cry.  You are strong.  You will get better.  Your old life.  It's like mine.  It's gone.  Each day will get better.  The lady in red.  She is like you.  Your heart will smile.  I can feel it. 

It's the airport.  Papa and his girlfriend come in.  It's a long flight.  We go to eat.  I watch Papa.  He laughs.  He smiles.  This woman.  She does too.  You can see it.  It's love I think.  Papa tells her.  Larissa will come back.  Cook him a steak and potato.  He sais to me.  Now there are 2 cooks.  It's good he sais.  He likes to eat. 

We will go.  It's a long hug goodbye.  No tears.  Just smiles.  Papa sais to call.  Use the computer phone.  It's tough but I will.  Greece is ahead 6 hours.  I will go inside.  I wave goodbye.  They wave back.  I send Mark a text.  I am going.  He tells me.  Good luck Lar.  It's what he calls me.  He tells me.  He loves me.  And he writes.  Thank you.  For  coming to see him.  I tell him.  It's what friends do.  They love each other.  He is my friend.  You see.  A good friend.  They love each other too.  Different love.  Time passes. I must go.  We text.  I tell him.  It's time.  He tells me goodbye.  He gets me this phone.  It don't work in Greece.  I will keep it.  To remember.  I send one last text.  I say 2 is always better than 1.  I turn off the phone.  I put in my purse.  The plane goes slow.  It sits then it goes fast.  It goes off the runway.  I look.  I can see Toronto.  I don't see it for a long time. 

Papa gets a girlfriend

Papa and I.  We spent the last days.  It's sitting on the porch.  Mom is gone.  She don't come back.  She don't call.  He tells me this.  I am surprised.  Papa has a girlfriend.   He has one before Mom left.  He said he is tired.  His life is lonely.  I laugh.  I ask him.  I can see her?  Who is she?  What does she like?  He tells me.  She and him.  They meet at bowling.  It's his favourite.  Shes drive a truck.  She has a house.  It's in the country.  He goes there.  They will have a bbq.  Just have drinks.  She had a husband. But he is sick.  And then he goes to heaven.  It's a sad story.  I think Papa is good for her.  He's a good person.  He won't hurt someone.  He is patient.  His whole life.  He takes care of Mom.  And of me.  Both treat him bad.  He don't raise his fist. This woman is good.  I will meet her.

We will go to her place.  She don't come to the house.  In case Mom comes home.  We drive.  Not so far.  It's a big house.  The old kind.  All brick.  The driveway is long.  It's trees all over.  We park.  A dog comes.  He is Rex the dog.  He is a happy dog.  The woman comes out.  She waves hello.  She comes to meet me.  She has a tattoo.  It's on her arm.  She sais to me.  You must be Larissa.  She gives a hug to me.  Sais to come in.  She gives Papa a kiss.  I see it.  I think I don't know it.  I can't remember it.  When Papa kisses a girl.  Not a kiss for affection.  Maybe family at Christmas.  Her house is old inside.  It's wood.  The dog comes.  He carries a ball.  It drops at my feet over and over lol.  She tells him.  Rex, don't bug her.  I don't mind it.  She asks me. I want a drink?  It's coffee, tea or a beer?  I tell her tea.  She has many kinds.  I take breakfast tea.  We sit and talk.  I feel good.  Not like a stranger.  Papa and her talk.  They will go fishing.  She likes this.  She asks do I fish.  I tell her no.  Not since I'm a little girl.  Then I catch perch.  It's a little fish.  You can't eat it.  Just let it go.  She asks.  I am being a chef. I tell her yes.  She loves to cook.  She laughs. Sais to me Papa likes to eat her cooking.  She finds cooking good to relax.  She sais to come. I can see her big kitchen.  It's got it all.  You can see it.  It's like a magazine.  The pots hang from the roof.  The stove is big too.  It's got spices.  In the tray and rack.  It's wood.  She asks, do I like something to eat?  I am Larissa.  Always eating.  I say yes.  She sais help yourself.  In the firdge.  Any food is mine.   Inside is good stuff.  She leaves.  I get a plate.  It's something mixed up.  It's delicious lol.  I ask.  Can I eat in the other room.  Yes I can she sais.  The plate is full.  Papa laughs.  He tells her.  Since I am a young girl I eat so much.  When we go camping.  I finish the food.  Papa laughs.  If we eat out.  I eat off his plate too.  I do this to Marky too.  He calls me Ms metabolisum.   Papa's girlfriend.  She tells me.  Have what I want.

When I finish.  She tells me. She will show me around.  Her house is big and old.  The beds are many.  So many rooms.  Her kids are big now.  Her husband is gone.  I can see it.  For her, this house is her memories. She wishes not to forget.  She wishes to remember.  It's not like me.  I don't want to remember.  I forget my past.  I only remember Marky in Calgary.  The rest I don't care.

Outside is trees.  She shows me.  A truck.  Pretty big truck.  She drives it.  I ask her.  Her boss is nice to let her drive it home.  She laughs.  No dear.  She owns it.  She is her boss.  I tell her I know it.  Marky is his own boss.  I tell her my boyfriend is this.  I tell her it's tough times.  The money comes slow.  She sais to me.  Yes it is.  She sais here it's bad for 2 years.  You must take all you can.  I wonder and ask.  how do you get this job.  She tells me.  Her husband does it. Her kids get older.  So she will go with him.  They travel all over.  I ask her. do you know Calgary.  She does!.  She has gone.  She sais she likes it.  A good dream is a ranch.  In the mountains.  With a creek.  I tell her.  I go to Banff.  It's my favourite.  She knows it.  I find out.  Papa has told her.  About me. About Marky.  She don't judge me.  I can see it.  This lady.  She is strong.  She makes it.  All by herself too.  Her and Papa talk.  I can go in the truck.  It's like a house.  It's a got a bed.  I look out the window. It's high up.  I like this lady.  She's a good person.  She is good for Papa.  I can see it.

We stay longer.  Papa tells her.  He must go. I must leave for Greece.  She will come to the airport.  I don't mind.  It makes Papa happy.  I'm glad for Papa.  We drive back.  He talks.  He's happy too.  We go for a short drive.  He takes me.  It's the river.  We used to fish here.  He shows me.  It's where we went to camp.  There is the site.  The leaves start to change now.  You can see fall.  It seems the end.  End of trees.  The birds go away.  For me, it's spring.  As we drive around.  I like it.  I learned now.  I hated this place.  But I don't hated the place.  Just my Mom.  Now I don't see her.  I like it.  I think it's the same for Calgary.  I don't hate it.  I hated my past.  I tell Papa I like this lady.  I say she's tough.  He sais yes.  No breaks in her life.  I'm glad for him.

While we drive.  I send a text.  It's to Mark.  I ask him.  How is it.  We chat this way.  All the time.  I tell him Papa has a girlfriend.  He sends a smiley face.  I am happy.  I think to myself.  I hate some men.  Most really.  I don't want to kiss them.  I don't touch them.  But my favourite people?  It's two men.  Mark chats to someone else.  I know her.  Am I jealous?  No way buddy.  I'm happy.  I just want happy for both Papa and Marky.  I want it for one reason.  Because both wish happyness for me. 

Papa sings.  It's a song on the radio.  It's his music.  Country music.  It makes me smile.  I don't like this music.  He likes it.  I can see.  He is happy now.  So what else matters?  

Goodbye

It's Sept 19th 2010.  Today Marky takes me.  It's the airport.  I will go to Ontario.  I have stayed 3 weeks.  Spent with him.  He is better.  Not great.  But better.  For him.  A long time ahead.  It's a good 3 weeks. It's two friends.  As we always are

We leave Calgary.  As we drive.  I look.  I remember it.  Marky tells me.  You must go away.  Get a new life.  I remember how it hurt.  To leave him.  The man that loves me.  I love him too.  I think he don't love me.   Want's a new person.  So he sais to go.  Go to Greece.  As I look.  I can see it.  His words are good.  They are the truth.  It's no future for me.  Not in Calgary.   I am here 3 weeks.  I will walk around.  I can see my past.  Larissa the whore.  Larissa the man controller.  So some good comes here.  Mark.  Me.  The ducks on the river.  Love.  But it's not enough.  Not enough to forget.  The past is here.  My past.  Always my past.  I can't go from it.  I know it.  Mark speaks right.  Start over.   The cars goes away.  Downtown is gone.  I won't go back.  Not tomorrow. Or ever

We go.  It's the airport.  Marky is weak.  He has trouble.  To carry the suitcase.  He will though.  We check it.  It's Ontario.   I will go.  He takes me.  We have a coffee.  We talk.  He gets some food.  For me.  He laughs.  Sais to eat up.  I look at him.  He's beaten up.  Tired.  He will make it.  I know him.  He has a reason.  It's all he needs. 

I tell him.  I won't miss it.  I don't miss Calgary.  I don't come back.  He smiles. It's life.  I must return.  Finish my life. Be a chef.  One day I cook eggs.  For him.  I don't burn them lol.  He reaches. He squeezes my hand.  We talk.  About so much.  All life lately.   He tells me.  Thanks.  To come to see him.  When he don't go on.  I tell him.  Anytime buddy lol.  We have good times.  It's the pub.  Laughing.  Drinking.  He can't drink.  Don't care though.  He does.

It's two people.  Each needs another.  Each is broken.  God finds them.  They give strength.  To each other.  So they can go on.  No fairy tale.  No romance.  No love forever.  Just too people.  That love each other all their life. I know long time will pass now.  I wont' come back.  I know I won't ever come back.

We walk.  I must go.  It's security.  I must leave.  I remember.  Me.  Early July 2010.  I am here.  Crying till I'm sick.  Now.  I stand there.  I give a hug.  I get a long kiss. He tells me.  Go.  Don't you forget me Larissa T.  You email me.  You write me.  I laugh.  Of course Mr Marky.  How could I not.  I wish to cry.  I cry because I don't loose a boyfriend.  I now lose a friend.  Best friend.  We can't be.  But friends always.  Until God takes us.  He holds my hand.  Then lets go.  Sais go.  Get on the plane.  It's silence.  For a minute.  Then it's one last hug.  He tells me.  I love you always.  I never forget you.  I tell him.I love you too.   I don't forget you Marky.  His hand lets mine go.  I must go in.  To the security.  I look.  He waits.  I get through.  I have my pack.  I have a laptop.  It's his.  He smiles.  I look back.  He waits.  I will walk.  Its around the corner.  I don't get sick.  I don't throw up.  I walk.  I think.  I am lucky.  I go and find a place.  To wait to go see Papa.  Now I know it.  The past is over for good.  I am done.  My new life starts. 

3 people matter for me.  Who are they?

First is Papa.  Loves me.  I make mistakes.  I hurt him.  But he don't stop.  Always there for me.  I will see him.  And I call him each week.  He divorces my mom.  They're done.  I'm glad.  He deserves more.  Since I'm young.  He's all I have

Second.  It's Georgia.  We are friends.  She is a mom.  No money from him.  She is broken.  She makes mistakes.  You can blame her?  You are good yourself?   We live together.  We pay bills.  Smoke all day.  Pass the time.  We talk about our world.  She does massage.  Now she don't.  She got smart.  She went home.  To her mom.  She will go to school.  It's in Sasketoon.   I am happy.  She can do more.

Third.  It's Marky.  We meet in a funny way.  He helps me.  My car is broken.  9 months we have.  Plus 3 weeks.  Is it good?  Sometimes.  We fight.  We scream.  Dishes get broken.  I hit him.  I break his face and tooth.  I make him.  He goes and sits at the river.  He cries. But he don't go.  I change too.  I learn. I can love.  He is weak.  Soft inside.  Him and I?  Not long.  But is a lifetime.  We change each other.  He is a lover.  He is my best friend. 

The airplane waits.  It goes fast and we go up.  I see out the window.  The mountains.  Now some snow.  Calgary.  It's my home.  A long time.  But this picture I see.  It's the last.  I don't come back.  Now is a new life.  I pray.  I thank God.  It's God that gives me gifts.  My family.  My friends.  Those that love me.  Those that don't give up.  I will go.  I will finihs.  Larissa will be a chef.  On Food TV one day.  The plane flies.  I think I will see Papa.

I write this in Ontario.  I write it at my house.  It's my room.  Mom is gone.  She don't come here.  Just me and Papa.  He must sleep.  He will work tomorrow.  I sit alone.  In the quiet.  I listen to the radio.  It's on the computer.  It's Calgary.  I wonder.  What do you do Marky.  At home.  On the computer like always.  The cars go by.  You close the window annoyed lol.  The fan blows outside.  My heart don't cry.  Instead it smiles.  I hope his heart does too.

I will sleep now.  Just a few days here.  Then Greece.  Just a few more things to say.  Then I am finished.

to drink

Life here done.  I drink lol.  It's a good time.  I can laugh.  I laugh at them.  I have a good time.  It's life.  I will go home soon.  For now.  I laugh at them. 

Alejandro

We can go out.  It's like before.  Way back.  We go to Original Joes.  We sit.  It's like before.  It's where the tattoo girl is.  We don't get her.  Instead it's red hair.  I know Marky lol.  He wants her lol.  She asks, drinks?  We get some.  I say to him.  You like her still.  He laughs.  He would pay for her. 5 browns lol.  She ask.  You want food.  Mark puts hand on head.  He goes.  She wants a burger.  Pasta salad.  Garlic potato.  I laugh.  Yes you can read my mind.  He gets it too. 

We talk.  He tells me.  He's done. He must start a new life.  He is tuckered out.  Tired of it.  I know this feeling.  He tells me.  He can sleep now.  Don't wake up so much.  I can see.  A new life.  I ask him.  You are scared?  Nope he sais.  He is just glad.  Should have gone before.  Long ago.  He tells me.  You hang on.  It's what you got.  What you know.  He sais it looks good.  He will get back up.  Then go on his journey.  Just like me.  I ask him.  Will you stay here?  He sais for now. 

We talk about Greece.  I tell him how it is.  I tell him about Tat.  I tell him I can cook eggs.  Maybe I will do this.  He laughs.  How about Nellies instead lol.  The fire department is busy.  It's funny.  I burn cooking so much.  Now I know it.  Not so much but some.  I like it.  To sit her. 

When I go to therapy.  The lady tells me.  Mark isn't just a boyfriend.  He's like Papa.  It's some why I am attached.  He's both.  She tells me this.  It reminds me.  Its a song.  Lady Gaga.  Alejandro.  She sings "but her boyfriend is like a dad".  I think.  Our love is forever.  But us together isn't.  I must go my way.  Him his way.  It's 9 months only.  But each gives to the other.  I am broken.  He pushes me.  Get up.  Fight.  Be strong.  You ain't a whore.  Stop this word.  For him.  I make his heart soft again.  Before he don't like women.  Sick of them. He will be single always.  But now it's different.  His heart is softer now.  It will be hurt again.  Its love.  But it will be stronger.   We come together.  Only God knows why.  But each starts a new life.  It comes from each other.  Should I be sad?  I should cry.  I don't cry.  Instead I thank God.  God gives me a wish.  Two people are healing.  I watch him.  He has a drink.  I smile at him.  He sais what.  I smile more.  I say nothing. 

Some read this.  They think it's a good ending.  The prince and the princess.  Together in the castle.  As a girl you dream it.  As a woman?  It's not real.  No fairytale comes.  Life aint this way.  What will happen?  I will go to Greece.  Marky will go on.  Start life.  Pick up his pieces.  This time.  I won't cry goodbye.  I will smile.  It's not a fairytale.  Instead it's a beautiful dream.  And I can live it.  Not forever.  But I live it. 

This blog

I come back.  It's to see my best friend. When I have nothing.  He is there.  Now for him.  Nothing.  So I will be there.  He has some tests.  It's many changes.  It's good.  I can see.  He is broken.  Too long like this.  I know it.  It's like me.  At the MP.  To escape.   Drugs and drinking.  He will do it too.  Just drink. 

Do you wonder.  When I write this?.   

I walk.  I will go see my apartment.  The bad one.  The good one too.  My car is gone.  I just leave it.  I guess they steal it.  I stand in the old apartment.  It's the good place.  I can see Larissa.  She looks back at me.  It's the glass in the door.  But I see a different Larissa.  I walk away.  I don't need to see it again.   It's 17th Ave.  Do you know it?  It's popular.  I walk by.  I can see it. Beckhams Pub.  Tim Hortons.  I remember. Long ago it's Bad Ass Coffee.  It's got a donkey. I see Watchmans pub.  I know this.  I walk farther.  It's Melrose Place.  Me and Victoria goes there.  I go in.  Not so many people.  I look around.  What can I see?  100 Victorias.  100 Unhappily Marrieds.  Some is different.  Most is the same. It's not so long.  Its' Fiore.  It's for pasta.  I walk more.  The Ship and Anchor.  Marky and I go there.  We eat Christmas dinner.  It's our last night together there.  I can see the seat.  It's there.  I walk.  Fourth Street.  I stop.  It's Lululemon.  I will go inside.  Some are out front.  They draw on the sidewalk.  I will keep walking.  Memories of all my life.  It's Ouzo.  Mark takes me there.  It's Greek.  It's like me.  We will eat.  Drink wine.  I keep walking.  It's the diner. Chinese owns it.  Cash only.  Next to it.  The liquor store.  We go there a lot.  I can see Ducky's.  It's got bars on it.  On the window lol.  It's maybe a prison.  For some.  Escape.  I remember.  Mark sings Abba lol.  The sky is blue.  The air now is cool.  I walk by.  It's Original Joes.  I wonder.  Does the tattoo girl work still?  I walk farther. The Purple Perk.  I love it.  A coffee.  A Cuban sandwich.  With chips.  Next  it's Joyce.  We go here.  Eat cheap ribs.  A penny each.  I walk farther.  Shoppers drug store.  A store a girl loves.  I will go in.  I remember.  Make up.  I go further.  It's Urban Barn.  I go in.  I buy stuff.  I remember it.  Marky and I go there.  We would dream.  We can get this bed.  30 browns for it.  Next is the jean store.  I walk.  I can see Safeway.  Georgia works there before.  It's shitty.  Pay sucks.  I walk by the river.  The river is quiet.  No ducks.  They are big now.  All grown up.  Maybe like me?  I walk farther.  The street is a circle end.  I look around.  It's the building.  It's where I lived.  It's a nice place.  I cross the road.  I go behind the other building.  It's the little round house.  Near the river.  I will go sit there.  We used to sit there.  We would talk.  The ducks would swim.  The people on the raft.  Floats by.  They hold the beer up.  Happy with life.   Just fun in the sun.  No ducks.  No rafts.  Just the water.  I look out. 

I remember.  Mark tells me.  Go to Greece.  I cry.  I will lose him.  He tells me no.  I don't lose him.  Instead I find me.  He said.  Sometimes you must go.  The hard decision.  It's the best decision.  Before I think Mark is wrong.  He is stupid.  Or maybe he don't love me.  Just wants a new girl.  Move along Larissa.  Tired of you.  Now.  I realize it.  He was right.  I sit there.  I think to me.  He tells me.  You will write.  Speak up.    I put on my iPod.  I walk away.  Back the same way.  I stop.  It's the Purple Perk.  I get a Cuban.  Same girl.  She's pretty.  I get a coffee.  I sit and I eat.  I read the magazine.  I can't see the words.  I can just think about my life.  I will go home.  I will write this story.   It's my story.  Not your story.  My story. 

A quick trip home

I will go to Calgary.  It's just for a couple of weeks.  I will go see Mark.  He is giving up.  Tired of everything.  There is no one there.  Nana will help me with the costs.  She understands.  I tell her I'm back soon.  I explain why.  She sais you go.  Mark has cracked.  He gives up.  I am worried.  He tells me. He will drive away.  That's it.  Gone for good.  I don't hear this voice before.  It's not him.  Nana gets me a plane ticket.  Must be cheap.  The seat is small.  I don't care.  The flight is long.  I wait.  I don't sleep. 

I arrive back.  It's the same as before.  I take a taxi down.  I have the key still.  I forgot to give it back.  I arrive at his apartment.  He's not around.  I am disgusted.  Before he is clean.  Now.  It's just boxes.  Pizza boxes.  A bag of beer cans.  The mail is on the counter.  Not opened.  I open it.  He doesn't care.  Doesn't pay the bills.  The fridge has no food.  The cupboard either.  It's just pizza boxes.  I can't believe this.  Never do I imagine this.  A man who is neat is a mess.  A man that eats health food.  Now eats pizza.  The laundry is on the floor.  The bed is not made.  I can see this.  I know this.  This is Larissa.  It's Larissa at the MP.  Larissa on crack.  He don't care now.  I am disgusted.  And I worry.  In the bathroom.  There is 7 bottles of shampoo all empty.  I can tell it's not good. 

I wait. He comes home.  His face is tired.  Circles under his eyes.  He sits in the corner. Tells me he is sick of it all.  He tells me. He can't sleep.  He wakes up at night.  Thinkgs about things.  Is always tired.  Can't work out.  Don't care to cook.  Doesn't care at all.  I can see.  He gives up.  Don't care now.  I tell him.  Lie down.  Sleep some.  I can clean up.  

Reality

I am learning.  To be a chef and learn sucks.  You will just do the same thing.  You start at the bottom.  The chef is cool.  He is a gay man.  I know it.  He loves food.  When he talks you see it.  He tells me.  To cook well is all detail.  A tiny flavour. I must do some boring jobs.  I don't mind it.  I order this thing.  I put in my iPod.  I can work and sing.  It's hot in the kitchen.  Greece is hot.  Inside here is hotter.  You go outside to cool.  I drink glasses of water.  I will get used to it.  I end the day and go sleep.  It's a long day.  I don't send email. Just shower and sleep.   Sometimes I work at night.  This is best.  I can sleep in.  The room is quiet at night.  Tat will come over.  Stay on the weekends.   She's angry too.  Fights with her boyfriend.  He's a creep. 

Before I am sad. But now I am really sad.  I have a new job.  I can be someone.  But now it's not vacation.  Now I realize I don't go back.  Not ever.  I think about Papa.  I think about Marky.  I won't see them.  Each is far away.  I can go 2 weeks.  1 week to see Papa.  1 week to see Mark.  It's so little.  I wish life isn't this way.  I must give up something to get another.  How come I can't get both?  Nana sees me.  Asks me what's wrong.  I tell her I want Calgary.  I'm missing it.  She tells me she knows.  She tells me use the phone. The internet phone is free.  I will call Papa and Mark.  Both say the same.  Don't give up.  It will get easier.  Papa tells me about the divorce.  Mom will fight.  She lies.  I get mad. I say you fight back hard.  Mark is tired.  I can tell his voice.  He sais he just stays home.  It's even less money.  He won't say it.  But I costed a ton for this trip.  He will find a new career soon.  He's done.  I feel bad.  I wish I can be there.  Now his life is bad.  Mine is better.  I talk to them.  I feel better.  But I cry at night.  Forever is long.  I lie in bed.  I think how proud Papa is.  His little girl.  Gets a job.  Now will be a chef.  He sais when I visit I can cook him a steak and potato.  It's his favourite.  I tell Marky.  I can cook eggs.  The mistake i make is heat. It's too hot.  He just laughs.  I tell him.  You can cook with a flame.  A gas stove.  It's better.  He tells me he's on that right away. 

A future for me

I am there a bit now.  Nana sais to me good work.  She tells me we can have dinner.  I think ok.  She takes me out.  I can't read it.  She orders.  She asks me.  Do I like this job.  I tell her yes.  She tells me I work hard.  Extra.  I am on time.  She sais the others like me.  She has a question.  She can train me.  For a real job.  An important job.  I can pick.  But  I must stay 2 years at least.  I will get the same room.  A small pay check.  But she will help me.  She has some ideas.  She gives me papers.  Sais to me think about it.  Take my time.  I see the one.  It's to cook.  Then to be a chef.  It will take a long time.

I think about it.  I mail Marky and Papa.  It's my choices.  Mark sais do what I want.  I take some days and then I tell Nana I am ready.  I will be a chef. . I tell Mark.  He is on the phone.  He laughs.  He laughs hard.  He sais do I remember.  I make the smoke beeper go off?  He must open the door.  And with a cardboard make a big fan.  I try to cook him breakfast.  I tell him you wait and see lol.  I am on Food TV.  I laugh.  He sais to me.  The show is called the food whore lol.  He tells me you see.  You can do it. I tell him. Bad news.  I can't come back.  Not now or ever.   He knows it.  He said life is tough.  But am I happy?  I tell him yes.  He sais that's all then. 

Nana takes me out.  We have some drinks.  I tell her I can be a chef.  She smiles.  She sais you can eat so much.  It's a good job.  Since I am little.  I eat.  It makes me feel better.  If I am sad or angry I eat.  I don't get fat though.  Mark sais it's a fast metabsolsm.  He said I'm lucky.  Or I am 300 pounds.  My tummy is almost flat.  I remember.  We are in Edmonton.  He buys me cupcakes.  It's 12 of them.  I eat them all that day.  I feel sick but I don't stop. 

Nana is happy.  She tells me I will train.  Work with this man. I will like him.  Nana and I talk.  I tell her about my life.  I tell her how I get so angry.  I want to kill someone.  She knows.  She sais its my Mom.  She neglects me.  She sais how I am ain't my fault.  It's Moms.  I wish to find someone.  Someone that pays attention.  A whore gets attention.  It's how I get attention.  It's what she thinks.  I don't have no man in my life.  She sais.  At easter she sees me.  I'm different inside.  I am happy.  We talk.  It's about my life.  She tells me her life wasn't good.  She did some things.  She won't say.  she tells me.  Don't say it ever to her husband.  Sometimes a woman must do things.  I know.  She won't say it.  But maybe she is a whore too.  She tells me I'm a smart girl.  I've lived a tough life.  She sais I kicked and screamed at it.  I fought and I won.  She will also get me to learn Greek.  A tutor.  I think oh.  This is tough.  Maybe I can learn good english first lol. 

My sky is blue now.  

The best news

Papa emails me.  It's the best news.  He tells Mom.  He will divorce.  He is tired of her.  Tired of these games.  He will sell the house.  He will give her some.  He wishes she is just gone.  He will ask.  A job transfer to another city.  So Mom is not near.   I ask was she mad.  She screams.  And breaks things.  Then she begs him.  He sais no way.  It's done. He tells me.  Life is not good.  He sees me go.  Take the risk.  He can do it too.   He will get a apartment.  It's small.   They will sell the house.  He will give Mom money to go.  A lawyer does this. 

I tell him.  I am happy for him.  It's good.  I tell him.  Come to Greece lol.  I wish thought I could go.  Move back to Canada.  Marky, me and Papa can share a house.  Both have jobs.  I will cook and clean.  I will take school.  Get a job.  I wish I can.  Papa sais time will pass first.  It will take a while.  He said it's not done in a week.  He said it will be ugly.  Mom will turn on him. 

You won't like these comments.  But its' my thoughts.  I wish Mom is a whore.  She is old.  She can't strip.  Body is saggy.  But she can suck cock.  Her price is 3 greens.  I think ha ha ha.  She will suck cocks.  It's her only job.  Or maybe the MP.  Factory fucking.  It's Larissa's Mom.  She's a brown for FS.  She will give a red to the owner.  She must have 10 clients each day.  I wish on her the stinky ones.  Like that man that farts.  Or she can strap it on.  Fuck a man.  His shit is all over her.  All she can smell is it.   It's what a whore goes through.  My mom needs it.  I wish it.  Why?  For years I suffer like this.  I have no choice.  My mom's fists.  Or being a whore.  The whore is better.  I remember I am 15.  Papa is away.  It's for a training thing.  She brings home a man.  She is drunk.  She passes out.  He is awake.  Tells me I'm pretty.  More pretty than mom.  He wishes to touch me.  I scream and hit him.  My Mom don't care.  She tells me. I make it up.  He don't touch me though.  So now I wish.  My mom is a whore.  Ha ha ha bitch.  If I see it.  I watch it.  I would laugh.  I hate her.  Papa works his life.  Each day he goes to work.  So there is a house.  So the bills are paid. She don't appreciate it.  This woman I spit on.  Worse is she goes out.  Sex with other men.  I bet you. She don't protect herself.  Her and Papa have 2 beds.  I wish Papa can find a new girlfriend.  A woman that cooks him a steak.  Or even a whore that is good to him.  It's better than Mom.  I think.  What can she do.  She can be a whore.  Or a factory job.  I laugh.  In the summer it's hot.  She will work in this.  She deserves nothing more.

I learn.  I hate my mom.  My therapy lady sais it's extreme.  I hate her.  Because if my life is ok, I don't become a whore.  I am Larissa with butterflys in her hair.  If I don't hate my mom.  I can have high school.  I can have a graduashun.   I can go to college.  Get a job later.  Have a boring life.  Like I dream about.  But no.  I have 11 years.  11 years of angry.  11 years or hurt.  11 years of lonely.  All I get was money.  And now I have none.  I can't get this time back.  I will die and I can't remember this time.  I laugh.  I tell Papa big smiles.  Good for him.  She will be drunk more.  She can be a whore.  Car dates.  She will suck his cock.  It's a stinking cock.  so much pubes too.  She can smell sweat.  And the shit.  She can do this each fucking day forever.  If you read this Mom.  I never hate no one.  But I hate you.  You aren't my Mom.  You colour your hair blonde.  Afraid of Greek past.  I laugh now.

I wish to call her.  I wish to say ha ha Mom.  You see my boyfriend?  He loves me.  He kisses me.  He cries to say goodbye.  You see my job?  I work now.  I get up.  You can't do this.  I can.  You laugh at me all my life.  While now I laugh at you.  When I am 46, I'm not a drunk whore.  I'm a big time person.  People respect me.  If Papa is hungry.  I feed him.  If Mom is hungry.  I tell her eat grass.  She can't get no man.  Her face is creased.  Her skin is thick.  Good on her.  It's payback for me.  I should feel bad.  But I doubt.  I just feel good inside. 

A girl

I am working.  I work with Tatiana.  I call her Tat.  She is here working.  Just like me.  She is english.  She tells me.  She must get away.  Her life is not good.  Her boyfriend is a jerk.  She is afraid.  Afraid to be single.  I tell her.  No big deal.  Single is good.  She asks.  I have a boyfriend.  I tell her I did.  A good one.  But I must fix my life.  She won't ask why.  Thank goodness.  We can work together. She cleans rooms sometimes.  I am lonely now.  I can't find a boyfriend.  I don't want it.  But I like to snuggle.  Tat is bi. I can sense. Or just curious.  She is alone too.  We can make good friends.  She shares her area.  I have privacy.  She can stay with me. We are quiet about it.  Nobody knows.  How can they.  2 girls.  Laughing.  I am cautious.  Don't get caught outside. 

Tat is cute.  She is younger.  College.  Took the year off.  She's hawt.  It feels good to kiss.  It feels good to hug.  It feels good to have sex.  Helps me forget Marky.  I must forget him now.  Each day it depends.  Someday I don't remember it.  Other days I can go to the bathroom.  And cry.  I start to email less.  I must let go.  I sitll email Papa.  He is proud.  Said good move.  

Are you bi?  If you are, you like both.  But you prefer one.  I know I prefer a man.  I am scared of men.  I can't be close.  A man asks me out.  On a date.  I freeze.  I can't talk.  I just walk away.  He comes after.  Sais sorry I didn't mean to hurt you.  I tell him I can't go on a date.  I can touch a woman.  But a man?  The though makes me feel dirty.  But I like men.  To date a girl is good.  She is soft and tender.  Her kiss is always soft.  Her touch is too.  She knows what you like.  But still it's different.  A man is tough.  His body is hard.  He is aggressive.  He commands things.  I miss this.  You can't get it.  Not from a girl anyway.  Still, it makes me forget. 

First Day of Work

Nana comes for me.  It's morning.  I will go with her.  The office.  The woman there speaks english.  I will help her.  It's just an office job.  It's tough.  The stuff is Greek.  I can't read it.  The day goes fast.  Nana asks me.  Do I like it?  I say yes.  I'm scared but they are nice.  She tells me not to worry.  Take my time. 

I go to the room.  I will listen to music.  I listen to the radio.  It's the same as Canada sometimes.  Sometimes i don't know it.  I will write Papa.  And Marky.  There is hours behind.  I think it's 8.  So for me.  It's nite.  There is morning.  It sucks.  I can't talk.  To talk I must get up early.  So I do this.  Go sleep early.  Get up at 4 am.  Then we chat.  I can chat till work starts.  I have nothing else.  It's nice to chat to Marky.  I tell him. He must visit me.  But it's hot here.  He don't like hot.  He likes water.  I tell him the ocean here is nice.  He tells me it's the Mediterainian Sea.  Not the ocean.  I ask do you come here.  he sais no.  I say how do you know.  He laughs.  He took it in school.  I quit school lol.  I don't know it. 

I am good so far.  I am learning.  The people are nice.  Some speak english  Some can't.  Tourists come.  Germany.  England.  all over.  I met some from England.  They can speak.  I like their accent.  Nana gets me to help them.  It becomes my job. 

All the different is good.  I forget I'm alone.  It's like vacation for me.  I will go to the water.  It's very hot.  I can't talk.  Just go see it.  It's like a foreign land. I am on Mars.  It's different than Canada.  

A new start

How do I feel?  I have a new start.  I have a job.  I won't lose it.  I have a place to stay.  It's nice.  I can eat whatever food.  Steak each day.  Sounds good?  All I want is home.  To go back.  See the ducks.  Listen to the river.  Sit with Marky on the couch.  He will move now.  To a cheaper place.  Saves money for him.  He spended so much on me.  I am sad.  He will throw away some things.  He will throw away the couch.  And the watching chair.  It's where I watch sex.  I tell him.  Don't throw this couch out.  He has no room.  I tell him it's memories.  He sais ok.  He will find someone to take it.  I cna't think it.  This couch in the garbage.  I think of sitting on it.  I wish I can have it. 

Nana tells me.  I can have a week.  To get used to it.  Then she will get me working.  I will learn the resort.  I will meet people.  I will go out. I can see the ocean.  Nana sais it's not the ocean.  It's a sea.  It's the same for me.  The food is good here.  Many cook.  Seafood is good.  I have lamb.  Don't have it before.  It's delicious.  Here is less junk.  More good food.  Greece is hot. It's humid.  Also at night.  It's hot too.  Calgary is cold.  Many here come.  They are tourists.  Nana sais economy is bad. But tourism is good.  This resort it's big.  All kinds of jobs.  I wonder what can I do.  Not the maid job.  I hope not.

Nana takes me.  She meets me with others.  She tells them I am family.  So I can go anywhere.  I can eat any food.  Order anything.  Nana gives me a room.  I get internet.  I can eat any food.  Drink too.  I get a small wage.  It's not great.  It's like fast food.  It's the deal.  It's a good deal. Nana don't know. I can eat lol.   For me I like breakfast. The buffett table.  To see the new stuff.  It's cool.  I forget my tears.  I meet people.  Some come from all over.  Also.  People here are from all over.   I remember.  I meet this family.  They are from Canada.  I am amazed.  It's home.  I said I'm from Calgary.  They are Toronto. 

Greece

The plane goes over the water.  I can see down.  I am not crying.  Too tired to cry.  The plane will park.  I must get off.  I hope Nana is here.  I don't know how to speak.  I don't know anything.  Mark gives me money.  American money.  Sais just in case.  We get off the plane.  I must go through security.  I don't care.  Look in my shoe.   You think I hide a bomb? 

I walk out.  There is Nana.  She waits for me.  She smiles.  Gives me a hug.  She sais how are you.  I say ok.  Then I cry.  I tell her I miss him.  She sais nothing.  She sais let's eat.  I tell her ok.  She tells me it's a big step.  Going so far.  Leaving behind everything.  I tell her it's hard.  We will go eat.  This food is different.  It's good.  Nana laughs.  She tells me when I am little.  I eat like a goat.  I am hungry.

Outside is different.  No english.  Just signs.  Also, it's hot.  The ocean is near.  We will drive.  She sais it's a trip.  Not that far.  Nana gets in the car.  She holds my hand.  She sais it's hard.  She knows.   We drive. I wonder.  Where is Mark.  I can't send him a text.  No phone.  No computer internet.  It's now 1 day.  I don't say a word.  I wonder how is he.  Is he sick too?  I just know.  I miss him.  I wish I can snap my hand.  Go back.  I wish he can come.  Nana drives.  It's a nice place.  It's pretty here.  Different than Canada.  

We get to this place.  It's on the ocean.  It's what she owns.  It's pretty big.  It's got lots of things.  She calls a man.  Get my stuff on this cart.  She speaks Greek.  I don't know it.  He comes fast.  Takes me to the room.  I can't talk to him.  DOn't know it.  She comes with me.  The room is for me.  It's like an apartment.  She tells me.  Usually two share.  But for me, I can have it.  It's got a kitchen.  The man takes my stuff. Puts it down.  I ask Nana.  It's got internet?  She sais yes.  She will show me.  I connect.

First I email Marky.  I check msn.  I forget it's a different time.  It's tomorrow here.  He writes back.  It's from his phone.  It's Marky !.  I missed him.  I tell him it's good here.  I like it.  The flight is long.  Nana gives me a room.  I tell him I miss him.  I love him.  I wish to see him. 

On my computer it's his picture.  I just look.  Then I cry.  I want to go home. 

Goodbye

We get to the airport.  He parks.  We get my stuff.  He tells me it's enough for 10 years.  He will send the rest.  The rest he can sell.  Helps him pay his bills.  We go.  We must check in.  It's a long flight.  With suitcases gone, we go. Will get a coffee.  I can tell Mark is upset.  His lip trembles.  He bites his lip.  We must go.  I must go through the security place.  He comes. 

I don't imagine this day.  I stand there.  So long I waited.  So long I wanted love.  now I must leave it.  My heart aches.  I can't feel a breath.  He just hugs me.  I cry.  He strokes my hair.  Just sais ssssshhhhh.   He tells me it will be ok.  He sais he's proud of me.  The toughest girl in the world.  He sais now I believe in me.  I know it.  I hold him.  I give him a kiss.  I don't kiss in public.  This time who cares.  It's a long kiss.  I just touch him.  He holds my hands.  I can't let go.  But I must g o.  I wish time can stop.  Right now.  Forever.  I must go.  He tells me he loves me.  Always will.  He is crying now.  I am too.  The people around don't look.  I must go.  His hand is in mine but then it's not.  I must walk in the security. 

I turn.  I wave at him.  I say I love you.  He sais it back.  He stands there.  Watches me in the line.  The lady is security.  She looks.  She gives me a tissue.  She gives me a smile.  Sais he must be special.  I tell her just one word.  Yes.  I can't say more.  I am through.  Now I must wait.  I go to the bathroom.  I wipe my makeup up.  I throw up.  I feel sick.  I try so hard. I can't cry but I want too.  I have no phone.  Can't text him.  Only a laptop.  I will email hiim.  

I get on the plane.  I have the window.  Marky got it for me.  The plane goes fast and is in the air.  I look out.  I can see Calgary.  The mountains.  Downtown.  I wonder. Where is Mark.  On the road. I try to see his car.  I can't.  Tears go on my face.  We go higher.  And soon there is no more Calgary.  

I sit. I think.  It's all I can do.  I have my iPod.  I play songs.  These don't help.  Makes me cry more.  I listen to our song.  It's 2 is better than 1.   A man sings, then a girl sings it.  It's two people in love.  For them nothing else matters.   It's our song.  It's always our song.  I can hear it 100 years from now.  And I think of him.  

You can see this song here.  It's our song. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E231TF4CzU0  I listen to it over and over.  I can only cry.  I won't sleep.  Just look out the window. 

Sunday

I wake up.  Marky is up.  It's quiet.  We will go have breakfast.  We talk.  It's like any day.  But each knows.  Today is the day.  I will leave.  I have trouble.  I can't swallow the food.  I fight tears.  He is quiet.  His eyes are soft too.  We go upstairs.  In the room he kisses me.  We make love.  It's soft and tender.  He tells me he loves me.  He holds me.  For a long time.  We don't speak.  I can feel his tears.  They run on my skin.  He can feel mine too.  We must get dressed.  It's time.  All is packed.  Marky goes to leave.  He turns.  Takes a photo on the phone.  He takes a photo of all things.  He has many.  We go downstairs.  We will drive to the airport.  I look behind me.  I can see Calgary.  I don't see it again for a while.  I can see the mountains.  So close but so far away.  I can see the building.  I think.  My life here.  Walking 4th St.  All the places.  I think of being a whore.  IT feels 100 years ago.  The drugs.  The anger.  The control.  They are so much of my life.  But it seems the last 9 months is my real life.  The car goes up the road.  I look out.  We don't speak.  Just think. 

The Princess Weekend - Saturday

Marky woke me up early.  How only a boyfriend can.  He told me, let's go.  It's hair day.  He has booked me.  I can get my hair done.  I shower fast and just tie my hair up.  The place is close.  It's swank too.  I'm booked with the boss lady.  She washes my hair.  Then she asks.  What do I want.  Mark sais anything.  I tell her.  I will get blonde and red.  My hair is black.  She tells me I have good hair.  I get some colors in it.  She also waves it.  Marky sais it's great.  He loves two hair colors.  Black and red.  I am there a long time.  This girl is nice.  She's fun.  She is pretty too.  I think I could do this.  I can be this person.  What a good job.  Make others pretty.  Every girl likes it. 

After it's done, we pay.  I can't believe it.  The price is so high.  Mark sais so what.  Now one more place.  It's a spa.  There I have a massage.  I sit in a hot room.  The table makes me laugh.  I laugh because the MP has this table too.  I wonder if this lady knows it?   Probably not.   This feels good.  After I wish a nap.  I will shower.  Then dress.  Mark sais now it's food, then shopping.  We will walk.  We walk to Eau Claire.  I laugh.  I tell him.  It started her Marky.  He sais he knows.  It's so long ago.  Seems another world.  Now Eau Claire has none.  It's different now.  Less come here.  We walk.  To the island.  We go to this place.  River Cafe.  Do you know it?  It's a fairytale.  No cars go there.  Just on foot.  We go there, have late lunch.  It's very nice.  It's not enough.  Mark laughs.  Sais Dennys is better for me.  If you go to Calgary.  You see this place.  It's pretty.  The food is very good.  It's not so much but very good.

We go back.  We will go shopping. Stephen Ave.  It's a street with no cars.   There are nice stores.  We go to the mall. Shop there too.  We go to Holt Renfrew.  He takes me here before.  Some months ago.  We shop.  I get some new jeans.  Mark tells me.  I look hot.  He wants to come in the room.  I tell him he can't.  Cameras stupid lol.  In the one store I try on many things.  I have a lot.  Mark carries some.  He asks the woman.  Sais politely could he go with me.  This way I won't come out each time I change.  She smiles and sais yes.  I get inside this room.  I will change.  He puts me in the corner.  I have a skirt.  Soon it's lifted up.  He will give me quick daty and sex lol.  In this room.  After I try on the clothes.  The lady asks.  Which do I want.  I tell her the ones.  She smiles.  I laugh in my head.  You don't knwo it.  We just fucked in your room.  It's a first for me lol.  Mark tells me it's a fantasy.  He likes this game. 

I get home.  I will try on the clothes.  It's a runway for me.  It's a lot.  Also, we  get two new suitcases.  And a pack for me.  It holds the laptop.  It's Saturday now.  In 1 day I am on a plane.  Tonight is the final night.  I don't think this.  No way.  Spoils it all.  He takes me to eat.  It's a good place.  Near the hotel.  I have a steak.  It's so good.  it's big too.  Do you know Teatro?  You can go.  Take your wife.  She will suck your cock after lol.  We go back to the hotel.  I will have a bath.  We will go out for more drinks. 

First is a club.  It's music there.  It's funky. It's like ikea inside.  We are there for a bit.   Then, we go.  Smoke this pipe.  Mark sais it's a hookah.  I laugh and snort.  Smoke a hookah?  He tells me yes.  He is not kidding.  We stay here.  I can smoke it.  There are flavours.  It's cool.  Do you do this?  I never do it.  It's from Arabia.  After this, we leave.  Get a taxi.  The cab stops.  I know it.  The Ship and Anchor.   The sun is setting.  It's busy here.  Nice tonight too.  We get a seat.  Instead of sitting across.  He is next to me.  He will order a beer.  His fav.  It's called Trad.  I can have one too.  He orders food.  For me to pick and eat.  I love this food. No good for you.  Belly gets fatter if you eat it.  But who cares.

Tonight it's us.  Just us.  Alone talking.  His arm is around me.  It's just talk.  We talk about us.  How strange life is.  A normal man.  A whore.  Together as a couple.  I realize.  We are both broken people.  Both have bad families.  For me. I rebel.  I destruct me.  Mark. He does too.  But it's different.  He becomes by himself.  For me. I escape with drugs.  For him.  He has music. He has a drink.  He goes to be crazy.  As we talk.  I think.  We are not so different.  The same really.  Just different paths in life.  I sti there.  I think. I can't imagine life.  If Mark don't come in it.  He tells me the same.  He sais before he is angry.  Sick of women.  He plans to get a bachelor condo.  Live there for life.  We have both come.  We both are what each other needs.  I look at him.  I think.  To see him he is successful.  But he is broken inside.  We talk more.  Mark is good wtih big words.  Not me.  He tells me.  What most surprises him?  Is how he changed.  How his views are different.  To him a whore is a woman.  Not a whore.  He sais he is surprised.  He said in all his life he didn't imagine.  He could date a whore.  And whats funnier?  A whore makes him love again.  Not be angry with women.  He tells me.  He's fed up.  Wants a new life.  Sick of his job.  Sick of his career.  Sick of it all.  Tells me he hates work.  I can tell for a while.  He don't care.  I tell him.  You are smart Marky.  Yo ucan do a new job.  He sais he will.  But some things need to be done. 

We stay late. Take a taxi to the hotel.  It's our last night.  I give him me.  We sleep.  Arm around me.  Tomorrow I must go.  I don't think it. 

The Princess Weekend - Friday

We get the plane ticket.  It's a lot.  It's long too.  I get a big seat.  Mark sais it's better.  It's expensive.  He don't care.  He sells stocks.  Sais not worth much anyway.  Might as well blow it.   It's our last weekend.  I think what can I do.  I tell him.  We can get drunk.  Go to each bar?  We can get a whore.  Pay for the night.  Mark tells me no.  He has a surprise

He takes time from work.  He sais to get ready.  Won't say wear we go.  I think Banff?  nope.  It's just downtown lol.  The Palliser hotel.  We go there.  It's swank.  He rents a huge room.  The bathtub is big.  Marky turns off his phone.  Sais it's just us.  This room is huge.  It's like a millioniare gets.  We go for dinner. It's in the tower.  He sais order all you want.  Don't care for the price either.  We eat.  Then we will go to The Metro.  It's a club.  I go to the room.  I have my clothes.  I wear a body dress.  It's so short.  It's black.  I wear no panties or bra.  I get my old whore shoes lol.  All clear plastic.  We will go down the street.  It's not so far.  Mark laughs.  YOu can see men.  All looking.  It's Larissa, 28.  Mark 41.  Must be a whore lol.  I work it too.  I can be a whore again. 

Are you a pretty girl?   You know it.  Men are dog to the bone.  They will smile.  Help you out.  All will look.  Some peak.  Others stare.  All thing one thing.  I want sex with her.  Now it's fun.  I have a man.  Next to me.  No one will come up.  I will tease.  Ha ha.  I walk up the street.  You are a pretty girl.  Who hates you?  Other girls lol.  They look.  I can see it .  They think what a slut.  Her dress is just below her pussy.   Those heels are clear and high.  No bra.  It's the old Larissa.  Power hungry.  In control too.  This time for fun.  And for Marky. It's good.  Others think wow.  It's a good looking girl.  What's he got.  He has his cat smile on too.  I know it.  It means he's bad tonight.  Bad in the good way. 

We drink now.  The air is warm.  The sun is up late.  Mark sees someone.  He's like oh god.  It's this guy he knows.  He has this date.  Her brain has 2 cells.  Shopping and makeup.  This is it.  I don't like that right away.  This man is a bragger.  Reminds me.  That time I have sex with that guy.  The bragger.  It's close to this too.  I will fuck his mind.  ha hah.   The man comes over.  He shakes Marks hand.  He asks who is this woman.  Sais to Mark, I don't know you have a girlfriend.  Mark sais she lives with me.  This guy is a creepy guy.  His eyes make your clothes come off.  He looks me all over.  I just laugh.  I will play it up.  His date is dumb.  She tells me the dress is nice.  In my head I imagine.  Mark and I fuck her.  I will ride her face.  Mark can do the work.  It will shut her up.  Its like bonnie and clyde.  This guy keeps looking at my tits.  I reach in my purse.  I pretend it's a text.  Mark sais curious?  Who?  I tell him loudly. It's Georgia.  She wants to know.  Cna she come drink at the hotel room.  She don't care if it's just 1 bed.  It's big.   This guys face lol.  I can see him thinking. I let him think. He will think all night.  When he has sex with chatterbox.  He will be 1 minute.  She won't know.  She probably talks during sex.  She is drunk too.  I will tease her.  I put my hand on her leg.  lol.  she will tell this bragger guy.  heh heh.  

We leave.  Mark asks did I get a text really?  I laugh.  No, I just say it.  He laughs.  Till tears come.  He sais you are the biggest nasty bitch.  He loves it.  I tell him.  That guy is gross.  He sais yes.  He can't stand him.  Walking back.  Some men yell from the car.  It's a rude comment.  Mark goes to say something.  I say no.  I pull down my dress.  Show my tit.  Then I give them a finger.  I shouted  FUCK YOU.   I laughed.  Did you like the tit?  Many have seen it. 

We have a bath.  We drink in there.  Afterwards dry off.  The bed is great.  Like sleeping on a cloud. 

Each Moment is the last

I will go.  If you know you will go.  You can do 2 things.  Sit and cry.  Go live life to it's best.  I will do this. It's not for long.  It's the wild child time.  Mark stops the gym.  He will just spend time with me.  We go out many times.  In the week we drink.  On the weekend.  We eat out each day.  I ask Mark.  How can he pay.  He sais not to worry.  He has lots of time to work after I go.  This life is fast.  It's living for now.  Mark gets up.  He must for work.  i don't.  I just sleep.  If I don't sleep?  Then I eat and drink.  Marky gives me money.  Spend it.  I pick up girls.  We can share them.  All guys love it.  On the weekends.  It's drinking even at breakfast.  It's like with Victoria.  But now I'm a girlfriend.  Not a whore.  We play the game.  Mark loves it now.  I stand on the corner. He picks me up.  Pays me.  We have sex in his car.  He don't care now if we are caught.  He teachs me to drive.  I can't.  I smash the pole with his car.  He laughs.  The  bumper is sratched.  He sais oh well.  We go out too much.  The people know us.  It's bad for health.  Mark doesn't care.  He sais he's fed up anyways.  Sick of working.  He tells me.  Just turned 41.  Worked all this time for what?  No one pays nomore.  They have no money.  His job takes tolls on him.  I see now he gets headaches.  He must hold his head they are so bad.  Still we go out.

I know it now.  We do this.  why?  We can't face the end.  So rather than think.  We are crazy.  If you have fun.  There is no tomorrow.  Just now.  Mark and I drink every day.  I know each pub now.  I know the liquor store man.  He must wonder.  I'm here every day.  We take risks.  We have public sex.  Parked on the street even.  We are so drunk we leave the car there.  All weekend.  Mark don't care either.  I laugh.  He is on the patio.  Drinking.  He surfs the review board. Don't care who sees.  The bill to eat and drink.  It's high.  $400 one weekend.  Mark don't care about work either.  Now wears jeans and sandals.  No business pants.  I don't know then.  But now i do. He just gives up.  Don't care. 

We are like this for weeks, then a month, then more.  Our life is this.  Eat and drink and have sex.   This stops one day.  In the mail is the papers.  Now I can go to Greece.  I must tell Nana.  I am coming.  I will get a ticket.  A one way ticket.