Mark comes. It's a funny car. It has a tissue box. It has a cat head on it. It's in the back window. I ask him. What is this car. He sais it's his moms. I laugh to me. This car is from an old woman. We listen to the radio. I can sing some songs. So hot out. We use the air in the car. I wear shorts. Mark brings none. He forgot. Never thought it was hot. We start to drive.
We go into the country. Not so far. It's the bush. He comes to a place and pulls in. He sais surprise. It's a building. What you ask? It's a place where butterflys grow. It's in Cambridge. He sais to me, lets go inside. We must pay. You can see all these butterflys and bugs. I don't like it. They are dead. He takes me to this place. It's this glass room. Inside is ponds. In the ponds are fishes swimming. There are many plants. Like in the jungle. It's so hot. I can't breath. You walk in. And all around is butterflys. They sit on the plants. On the flowers. On the trees. If you put out your arm they can fly and land. I have not seen this. The roof is glass. All over is butterflys. Many colors. Some are so big. Like a small bird. Some are small. You can't touch. If you do it can kill them. I read this before in a book. This place is huge. I can stay there forever. Mark gives me a camera. I can take pictures. He will put them on the computer. We can spend the whole day there. It's hours. I don't ever want to leave. I wish to talk to these butterflys. Tell them it's Larissa. We dance in the grass together. Mark is quiet. I know he is bored lol. No man cares. He sais he forgets humidity. It's long ago. In Calgary its none. Here its like steam in the air. After we go to the gift shop. Marky gets me stuff. It's a cofee cup. It's a shirt. It's a pin. The shirt sais free as a butterfly. He gets L size. I tell him dumb dumb. You don't know? Not my size. It's S or sometimes M. he drives me home. I can only look at it. I make him wait. I take pictures. I take so many the camera won't work. It's full. Mark shakes his head. He wonders how I do this. He changes this card. I can take more. I take some of him.
We talk. He sais it's funny. We meet in Calgary. But both come from the same area. Maybe he is downtown. I miss him. He tells me. He is here a long time. He loves it. He hates it. I ask him why he goes away. He tells me many reasons. One is a new life. One is change. Life is good there. But you must make yourself new. He sais he loved it there for a long time. But slowly gets tired and needs new. I ask him. Is Calgary so good for you? He sais he isn't sure. He sais more money comes. But it's more work. He sais this. Before life is full. Now ti's full of work. I get it. I look. In him I see me. It's when I am a whore. But it slows down. He is tired. He knows too. All is empty. He gets to my house. He will come in. I am nervous. Mom will meet him. He walks in. Papa says hello again. Nana comes. She sais hello. She shakes his hand. They chat a bit. My mom comes. She smiles. Shakes his hand. I don't like this look. It's too much attention. He chats for a bit. Then he must go back. See his parents.
Friday, September 10, 2010
Yesterday
It's my old house. Here I am a girl. It seems stuck in time. The carpet is the same. The kitchen too. Papa has a new chair. But most looks the same. The tree is outside. It's just taller I think of the past. Bad memories. I was in trouble. Stealing from the store. Fighting with my mom. I didn't have good things. No money. Mom didn't work. Papa just worked.
It's dinner. The family is there. My Mom comes. Also Papa. Nana comes to. And her husband. We sit at the table. Nana is good. She asks me. How am I? I tell her good. I tell her in Calgary. Soon I will go to school. She tells me I look healthy. I look good. I've grown so much. She is older. Her hair is grey now. But she has energy. She asks what is my future. I tell her not sure. I will take school. In September I will go I say. I really don't know.
Mom doesn't say much. She tells me I look good. She sais no problems now. I don't like it. Always to remind me. I tell her I have a boyfriend. She is curious. Who? I tell her Mark. Papa speaks. He met me. He said he's a nice guy. My Mom sais he must come over. She must meet him. I tell her maybe. He is here just 4 days. You see. She not see me for 11 years. But must know all my life. Just wishes to see I failed. I get this text. It's Marky. He asks me. Do I have time tomorrow? I say when. He sais morning. It's a surprise. I say OK. He wants my address. I freeze. He will come here? I tell him he comes here? He says just to get me. We are going some place. I tell Papa tomorrow in the morning. I must get up early. He sais how come. I say Mark has a surprise. He sais ok. To wake at 8.
I lie in bed. It's like I am 14. This house feels angry. I imagine. The walls look at me. With teeth. As a little girl I see them. Now I am a woman. I see them still. It's warm. I open the window. I can hear the trees. They whisper in the wind. I don't like it here. I wish to leave. I wish to go see Mark. I can't. I will upset Papa. For him it's a big deal. For me, it's prison here. My Mom is no different. At dinner it's drinks. Out of the little glass. She gets drunk. Voice slurs. She calls Papa down. Nothing is different.
It's dinner. The family is there. My Mom comes. Also Papa. Nana comes to. And her husband. We sit at the table. Nana is good. She asks me. How am I? I tell her good. I tell her in Calgary. Soon I will go to school. She tells me I look healthy. I look good. I've grown so much. She is older. Her hair is grey now. But she has energy. She asks what is my future. I tell her not sure. I will take school. In September I will go I say. I really don't know.
Mom doesn't say much. She tells me I look good. She sais no problems now. I don't like it. Always to remind me. I tell her I have a boyfriend. She is curious. Who? I tell her Mark. Papa speaks. He met me. He said he's a nice guy. My Mom sais he must come over. She must meet him. I tell her maybe. He is here just 4 days. You see. She not see me for 11 years. But must know all my life. Just wishes to see I failed. I get this text. It's Marky. He asks me. Do I have time tomorrow? I say when. He sais morning. It's a surprise. I say OK. He wants my address. I freeze. He will come here? I tell him he comes here? He says just to get me. We are going some place. I tell Papa tomorrow in the morning. I must get up early. He sais how come. I say Mark has a surprise. He sais ok. To wake at 8.
I lie in bed. It's like I am 14. This house feels angry. I imagine. The walls look at me. With teeth. As a little girl I see them. Now I am a woman. I see them still. It's warm. I open the window. I can hear the trees. They whisper in the wind. I don't like it here. I wish to leave. I wish to go see Mark. I can't. I will upset Papa. For him it's a big deal. For me, it's prison here. My Mom is no different. At dinner it's drinks. Out of the little glass. She gets drunk. Voice slurs. She calls Papa down. Nothing is different.
Home
Papa comes. It's the airport. He comes to get me. It's Ontario now. Not see it a long time. Looks the same. The suitcase comes. I will get mine. Mark comes too. He will see his mom and dad. She is sick. It's not very good. Papa comes. I tell him. This is Marky. They shake hands. They talk for a bit. Papa asks what city. Mark tells him. It's not far. It's funny. We grow up close. It's a small world. I know this song. As a little girl it's on the tv. It reminds me of balloons. Papa asks Mark. He needs a ride? He sais no. His parents come. I must go. I am now shy. I must kiss him. In front of Papa lol. I stand there. Papa laughs. Puts hands over eyes. I can only kiss him fast. Then we will go. Mark will wait. It's April. It's so hot. Not like Calgary. I like it. Mark hates it.
Papa will drive. It's the country. I forget how pretty it is. The house has bricks. The house is stone. The trees grow big. I am nervous. For I will see Mom. It's now 11 years. Papa tells me. Others are here. I will meet them too. My Nana is here. Her husband too. They are rich. They live in Greece. It's where I come from. We get to near home. I choke my lungs. It's hard to breath. We go to the house. I don't see it for a while. The tree is bigger. We park. Take the suitcase. I go inside.
11 years. It's my mom. Her hair is blonde now. She is older. Her face has creases. She looks tired. I think she looks like a whore. She smokes. She just sais hello Larissa. I say hello back. It's quiet. She asks. Can she get a hug. I say yes. She will show me. My room. Same room as a little girl. The butterfly is on the wall. The old wooden stuff. Nothing is different. Stopped in time. I am 12 now. I can see the back yard. Same look. Hedge is bigger. It's ghosts around me. I wonder, why the same room? No changes since I am a little girl.
Papa will drive. It's the country. I forget how pretty it is. The house has bricks. The house is stone. The trees grow big. I am nervous. For I will see Mom. It's now 11 years. Papa tells me. Others are here. I will meet them too. My Nana is here. Her husband too. They are rich. They live in Greece. It's where I come from. We get to near home. I choke my lungs. It's hard to breath. We go to the house. I don't see it for a while. The tree is bigger. We park. Take the suitcase. I go inside.
11 years. It's my mom. Her hair is blonde now. She is older. Her face has creases. She looks tired. I think she looks like a whore. She smokes. She just sais hello Larissa. I say hello back. It's quiet. She asks. Can she get a hug. I say yes. She will show me. My room. Same room as a little girl. The butterfly is on the wall. The old wooden stuff. Nothing is different. Stopped in time. I am 12 now. I can see the back yard. Same look. Hedge is bigger. It's ghosts around me. I wonder, why the same room? No changes since I am a little girl.
Mark
I don't say about Mark yet. Who is he? What can I say? He is patient with me. We have a fight. He sais always ok enough. Then he will just go out. After I tell him I am a whore. It's tough. He struggles. Can't listen to some things. It changes though. He don't like I call me a whore. He is smart but stupid. You can tell what's in his heart. He doesn't judge me. This I like so much. He works a lot. It's by himself. It's not good. His donation isn't right away. It's in 3 months. So much work, not so much money. I think who does this? He sais to me it's how it work. Some never pay. If a whore did this? No one would pay. I laugh. Yes you can pay 3 months later. It's like the furniture store lol.
I learn. Mark is broken too. His family don't like he moved away. So they don't see him. But they wish he can go see them. I know he is angry. I love my Papa. His Papa don't call him. Not even once I can think of. Most important are his friends. It's all hes got. Sometimes he sais to me. Let's just go. He works in the day. He works at night. He has a phone. It beeps all the time. It's like when I was a whore. He looks at it all the time. I think. I remember this. Only no telephone calls. Just email. Sometimes we are eating. He must go right away. He will take me sometimes. at night it won't beep. Just the phone rings. It rings at night too. He must wake up. Go out.
He don't understand a whore. He thinks it's like tv. I tell him some like it. He sais really? He won't believe me. He admits, how can he know? Time goes by. He listens and believes. He can't believe it. He dates a former whore. For him it's tough. We go out. Meet someone. They will ask who I am. They talk. They ask what do I do. What can I say? If I say I am a former whore. His business is gone. Like me, now he is alone. Can't tell anyone. Only once I see a reg. It's Unhappily Married. We are together. He sees me. I just hold Marks hand. Unhappy looks ahead. Marky and I talk. We spend lots of time. He asks how I got this job. Why I got it. Life in this job. He is curious. He won't judge me after a while. For me, he is a sugar daddy. He will pay everything. But, he is not a sugar daddy. I love him. I learn how he is. What I can do. He is a tender person. But he is tired. To go away from life. He gets headphones. It's music for him. He knows all the songs. If he goes in public. He can act good. Talks well to people. Around many he's good. But prefers alone. He will go to the coffee place. It's the Purple Perk. He will sit. Reads and drinks coffee. Or watches the world go past. He likes little doggies. I learn him. He is a quiet person. I think inside he hurts. Just doesn't say it so much.
One time I am out. I see this thing. It sais Love is 2 hearts and 1 soul. I take a picture. I have no money. I ask Mark. I can have change? He texted back. Of course. I print this off for him. Leave on the table. He gets up early. He comes to see me. He is crying. He said a little thing is a big thing sometimes. Bigger than I can now it.
I know you read it Marky. You tell me to write this. To share my life. You say my bad writing won't matter. I can't be silent. Words are power. I am sorry some secrets come out. I am sorry I eat all your food too lol. I know you make tough choices. I don't say thank you sometimes. But in my head I say it. No matter how far away. No matter what. You are my best friend. You don't give up. I don't give up on you. You used to sing. It's the song 2 is better than 1. I hear this song 100 years from now. I think about you. Marky. I love you. I know it. 2 is better than 1.
I learn. Mark is broken too. His family don't like he moved away. So they don't see him. But they wish he can go see them. I know he is angry. I love my Papa. His Papa don't call him. Not even once I can think of. Most important are his friends. It's all hes got. Sometimes he sais to me. Let's just go. He works in the day. He works at night. He has a phone. It beeps all the time. It's like when I was a whore. He looks at it all the time. I think. I remember this. Only no telephone calls. Just email. Sometimes we are eating. He must go right away. He will take me sometimes. at night it won't beep. Just the phone rings. It rings at night too. He must wake up. Go out.
He don't understand a whore. He thinks it's like tv. I tell him some like it. He sais really? He won't believe me. He admits, how can he know? Time goes by. He listens and believes. He can't believe it. He dates a former whore. For him it's tough. We go out. Meet someone. They will ask who I am. They talk. They ask what do I do. What can I say? If I say I am a former whore. His business is gone. Like me, now he is alone. Can't tell anyone. Only once I see a reg. It's Unhappily Married. We are together. He sees me. I just hold Marks hand. Unhappy looks ahead. Marky and I talk. We spend lots of time. He asks how I got this job. Why I got it. Life in this job. He is curious. He won't judge me after a while. For me, he is a sugar daddy. He will pay everything. But, he is not a sugar daddy. I love him. I learn how he is. What I can do. He is a tender person. But he is tired. To go away from life. He gets headphones. It's music for him. He knows all the songs. If he goes in public. He can act good. Talks well to people. Around many he's good. But prefers alone. He will go to the coffee place. It's the Purple Perk. He will sit. Reads and drinks coffee. Or watches the world go past. He likes little doggies. I learn him. He is a quiet person. I think inside he hurts. Just doesn't say it so much.
One time I am out. I see this thing. It sais Love is 2 hearts and 1 soul. I take a picture. I have no money. I ask Mark. I can have change? He texted back. Of course. I print this off for him. Leave on the table. He gets up early. He comes to see me. He is crying. He said a little thing is a big thing sometimes. Bigger than I can now it.
I know you read it Marky. You tell me to write this. To share my life. You say my bad writing won't matter. I can't be silent. Words are power. I am sorry some secrets come out. I am sorry I eat all your food too lol. I know you make tough choices. I don't say thank you sometimes. But in my head I say it. No matter how far away. No matter what. You are my best friend. You don't give up. I don't give up on you. You used to sing. It's the song 2 is better than 1. I hear this song 100 years from now. I think about you. Marky. I love you. I know it. 2 is better than 1.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Mom
Mark tells me. I should go home. He sais see your Mom. I can't. He tells me he can come. See his Mom. His mom is sick. She will die. He will visit friends. I say maybe. I ask him why. He said because. He has no family. He is alone. He said make up. Be nice. At least try it. We talk about it. I agree. I will go home. It's 11 years.
I remember it. 11 years. I fight with my Mom. We have a fist fight. She is drunk. I tell her fuck you. Papa stops us. Dishes are smashed. Papa gets mad at her. He tells her to control things. She can't. Soon I will go. I take my clothes. I think I can run away. Vanished. But I can't. Why? Papa is sick. He will worry. Each day is forever. So instead I tell them. Larissa moves out. Papa begs me no. I tell him I must. He cries. I tell him I call him. I won't forget him. He gives me money. He sais please. Be safe. I sleep at a friends. Then another. Then a shelter. Soon I find out from a girl. I can strip. It's good money. I can get an apartment. It's easy. She can help me. We can live together. I remember I stripped. The first time. I am nervous. Some look. Others talk to their friends. I don't know how. Once you do it, it's easy. But to make money? Lap dance. Your body on a mans. He will try to kiss you. Or put a finger in you. Do you know? Once you are in this. It's tough to get out. You can't leave so easy. It's not like a regular job.
Are you a parent? You have a husband ? Or wife? Do they hit and drink? You have a child? Here is what I say. Go. Get out. No matter how hard. You love your child? You will do it. Or your child is Larissa part 2. And my life? It could be better. Or much worse. Young girls. They are found by bad men. They are lost. The men pretend to care. They get you on drugs. You need it. Then they make you work. You are a whore. But it's worse than my life. I am a addict. They are not. For them it's worse. You hate a bad date? How about a bad pimp? You don't make enough money? He teaches you a lesson. In a van or house you are raped. If the blood comes out he won't care. He hits you in the rape. Then you go make more. And if not enough, more rape. More hitting. More anger. It's a circle. Where will it end? Maybe you can escape this life. But I know. You will be killed. Or kill yourself. Who will miss you? No one. You are missing. No one knows you. Or remembers you. But each day is long. This is your choice? Go look at the SW. She is 40? Her real age is 22. Her life will end. Too much coke. Too much meth. Drank herself to death.
You think my life is bad? I was lucky. Lucky I write this today. Lucky I have a Papa. Lucky I have Marky. Lucky for my future.
For you? The other person reading? You hate us near your house? I ask you this. Do you think as a little girl I want this? The butterflys in my hair? I sit in the grass? I think I will be a whore? Do you think your daughter? She is in high school. She says when I graduate I am a whore? No. So don't forget us. We are women. We are victims. Victims of many things. Victims of anger. Victims of hurt. Victims of kneeglect. You don't spit at us. You help us. Both women and men.
For the pooner? You imagine this. You imagine it. I am your daughter. Now are you so rough? Do you care now? I am Larissa. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am a girlfriend. For someone this is what I am. You have this too. I can be your daughter. Or I can be your son too. Young man become a toy for other men. You think about it buddy. I am a person. I am not your doll.
I remember it. 11 years. I fight with my Mom. We have a fist fight. She is drunk. I tell her fuck you. Papa stops us. Dishes are smashed. Papa gets mad at her. He tells her to control things. She can't. Soon I will go. I take my clothes. I think I can run away. Vanished. But I can't. Why? Papa is sick. He will worry. Each day is forever. So instead I tell them. Larissa moves out. Papa begs me no. I tell him I must. He cries. I tell him I call him. I won't forget him. He gives me money. He sais please. Be safe. I sleep at a friends. Then another. Then a shelter. Soon I find out from a girl. I can strip. It's good money. I can get an apartment. It's easy. She can help me. We can live together. I remember I stripped. The first time. I am nervous. Some look. Others talk to their friends. I don't know how. Once you do it, it's easy. But to make money? Lap dance. Your body on a mans. He will try to kiss you. Or put a finger in you. Do you know? Once you are in this. It's tough to get out. You can't leave so easy. It's not like a regular job.
Are you a parent? You have a husband ? Or wife? Do they hit and drink? You have a child? Here is what I say. Go. Get out. No matter how hard. You love your child? You will do it. Or your child is Larissa part 2. And my life? It could be better. Or much worse. Young girls. They are found by bad men. They are lost. The men pretend to care. They get you on drugs. You need it. Then they make you work. You are a whore. But it's worse than my life. I am a addict. They are not. For them it's worse. You hate a bad date? How about a bad pimp? You don't make enough money? He teaches you a lesson. In a van or house you are raped. If the blood comes out he won't care. He hits you in the rape. Then you go make more. And if not enough, more rape. More hitting. More anger. It's a circle. Where will it end? Maybe you can escape this life. But I know. You will be killed. Or kill yourself. Who will miss you? No one. You are missing. No one knows you. Or remembers you. But each day is long. This is your choice? Go look at the SW. She is 40? Her real age is 22. Her life will end. Too much coke. Too much meth. Drank herself to death.
You think my life is bad? I was lucky. Lucky I write this today. Lucky I have a Papa. Lucky I have Marky. Lucky for my future.
For you? The other person reading? You hate us near your house? I ask you this. Do you think as a little girl I want this? The butterflys in my hair? I sit in the grass? I think I will be a whore? Do you think your daughter? She is in high school. She says when I graduate I am a whore? No. So don't forget us. We are women. We are victims. Victims of many things. Victims of anger. Victims of hurt. Victims of kneeglect. You don't spit at us. You help us. Both women and men.
For the pooner? You imagine this. You imagine it. I am your daughter. Now are you so rough? Do you care now? I am Larissa. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am a girlfriend. For someone this is what I am. You have this too. I can be your daughter. Or I can be your son too. Young man become a toy for other men. You think about it buddy. I am a person. I am not your doll.
Peas in the Pod
I find out Mark is like me. Open sexuality. He has a favourite game. It's the whore game. I wait for him. He comes in. I wear a school girl dress. No panties. When he walks in I'm there. He can't resist. I tell him no way buddy. You pay first. I take his wallet. Count the money. It's not enough even for LFK. He tells me I eat a lot. So it's BBFS lol. He knows now whore talk. I have taught him. We talk about my life. Some he is bothered with. Slowly he accepts it. When I first told him, he doesn't talk. But later says I am the same person. I am teaching him about the life of a whore. What it's like. He admits his opinion changes. Sometimes I tell him. He tells me stop. He can't hear it lol. Next day he hears it. I know it's hard. Not so many can do this. Date a whore. I am not a whore now. But I was.
One thing. He dislikes whore and hooker. I tell him it's a word. He sais no. It's no self respect. I tell him it's just a word. He sais ok. He sais I am a woman. He asks me. I am Mark or I am Mr Computer? I tell him Mark. He tells I am Larissa. I am not a whore.
He is like any man. I tell him after a while can Georgia visit. I tell him it's 3 lol. His eyes get bright lol. All men love it. I don't mind. It's less work for me too ;-) I tell him a game. I will stand on the corner. He can pick me up. I have only a short skirt. He tells me I am crazy. The police arrest us. He can explain. Yes, my girlfriend stands on the corner. I think its fun.
Are you open? Many think it's bad. One man. One women. I have 5000 men in my life. I know men. None see this way. They are tempted. It's guilt that stops them. Or fear of being caught. Your heart cannot be shared. Your flesh can. It must be in the open. No secrets. No lies. No shadows. You say monogamy. I tell you this. This is not real. I believe in God. I pray. But I don't know monogamy. Just in my heart. I know so many are divorced. So many are angry. They say it's stress. They say it's money. They say it's many things. It's not. It's monogamy. To believe in this? It's to find how you are. For me, I don't need a man. Just a woman.
One thing. He dislikes whore and hooker. I tell him it's a word. He sais no. It's no self respect. I tell him it's just a word. He sais ok. He sais I am a woman. He asks me. I am Mark or I am Mr Computer? I tell him Mark. He tells I am Larissa. I am not a whore.
He is like any man. I tell him after a while can Georgia visit. I tell him it's 3 lol. His eyes get bright lol. All men love it. I don't mind. It's less work for me too ;-) I tell him a game. I will stand on the corner. He can pick me up. I have only a short skirt. He tells me I am crazy. The police arrest us. He can explain. Yes, my girlfriend stands on the corner. I think its fun.
Are you open? Many think it's bad. One man. One women. I have 5000 men in my life. I know men. None see this way. They are tempted. It's guilt that stops them. Or fear of being caught. Your heart cannot be shared. Your flesh can. It must be in the open. No secrets. No lies. No shadows. You say monogamy. I tell you this. This is not real. I believe in God. I pray. But I don't know monogamy. Just in my heart. I know so many are divorced. So many are angry. They say it's stress. They say it's money. They say it's many things. It's not. It's monogamy. To believe in this? It's to find how you are. For me, I don't need a man. Just a woman.
My first love
I am in love. Do you know love? It's scary and beautiful. Our relationship is open. He can date others. I date Georgia. I notice he doesn't date much. Just chats to his women friends. I don't care. I say it. You can share the flesh. You can't share the heart. I can sleep in the bed. Before I am scared, now I snuggle. Mark gets mad. He sais to me hot. I'm hot. He pushes me away. So I snuggle more lol. It's just to annoy him. I never feel this way. My head floats. My heart is fast. The world is sunny. I am alone sometimes. I think how I missed this. My first real love. Almost 29 years old.
But, while I am better, Marky is not. He is tired. His work pays money slow. He is more tired. He tells me the pressure is tough. The hours are longer. It's each weekend he works too. But only a bit of money comes in.
But, while I am better, Marky is not. He is tired. His work pays money slow. He is more tired. He tells me the pressure is tough. The hours are longer. It's each weekend he works too. But only a bit of money comes in.
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