Papa and I. We spent the last days. It's sitting on the porch. Mom is gone. She don't come back. She don't call. He tells me this. I am surprised. Papa has a girlfriend. He has one before Mom left. He said he is tired. His life is lonely. I laugh. I ask him. I can see her? Who is she? What does she like? He tells me. She and him. They meet at bowling. It's his favourite. Shes drive a truck. She has a house. It's in the country. He goes there. They will have a bbq. Just have drinks. She had a husband. But he is sick. And then he goes to heaven. It's a sad story. I think Papa is good for her. He's a good person. He won't hurt someone. He is patient. His whole life. He takes care of Mom. And of me. Both treat him bad. He don't raise his fist. This woman is good. I will meet her.
We will go to her place. She don't come to the house. In case Mom comes home. We drive. Not so far. It's a big house. The old kind. All brick. The driveway is long. It's trees all over. We park. A dog comes. He is Rex the dog. He is a happy dog. The woman comes out. She waves hello. She comes to meet me. She has a tattoo. It's on her arm. She sais to me. You must be Larissa. She gives a hug to me. Sais to come in. She gives Papa a kiss. I see it. I think I don't know it. I can't remember it. When Papa kisses a girl. Not a kiss for affection. Maybe family at Christmas. Her house is old inside. It's wood. The dog comes. He carries a ball. It drops at my feet over and over lol. She tells him. Rex, don't bug her. I don't mind it. She asks me. I want a drink? It's coffee, tea or a beer? I tell her tea. She has many kinds. I take breakfast tea. We sit and talk. I feel good. Not like a stranger. Papa and her talk. They will go fishing. She likes this. She asks do I fish. I tell her no. Not since I'm a little girl. Then I catch perch. It's a little fish. You can't eat it. Just let it go. She asks. I am being a chef. I tell her yes. She loves to cook. She laughs. Sais to me Papa likes to eat her cooking. She finds cooking good to relax. She sais to come. I can see her big kitchen. It's got it all. You can see it. It's like a magazine. The pots hang from the roof. The stove is big too. It's got spices. In the tray and rack. It's wood. She asks, do I like something to eat? I am Larissa. Always eating. I say yes. She sais help yourself. In the firdge. Any food is mine. Inside is good stuff. She leaves. I get a plate. It's something mixed up. It's delicious lol. I ask. Can I eat in the other room. Yes I can she sais. The plate is full. Papa laughs. He tells her. Since I am a young girl I eat so much. When we go camping. I finish the food. Papa laughs. If we eat out. I eat off his plate too. I do this to Marky too. He calls me Ms metabolisum. Papa's girlfriend. She tells me. Have what I want.
When I finish. She tells me. She will show me around. Her house is big and old. The beds are many. So many rooms. Her kids are big now. Her husband is gone. I can see it. For her, this house is her memories. She wishes not to forget. She wishes to remember. It's not like me. I don't want to remember. I forget my past. I only remember Marky in Calgary. The rest I don't care.
Outside is trees. She shows me. A truck. Pretty big truck. She drives it. I ask her. Her boss is nice to let her drive it home. She laughs. No dear. She owns it. She is her boss. I tell her I know it. Marky is his own boss. I tell her my boyfriend is this. I tell her it's tough times. The money comes slow. She sais to me. Yes it is. She sais here it's bad for 2 years. You must take all you can. I wonder and ask. how do you get this job. She tells me. Her husband does it. Her kids get older. So she will go with him. They travel all over. I ask her. do you know Calgary. She does!. She has gone. She sais she likes it. A good dream is a ranch. In the mountains. With a creek. I tell her. I go to Banff. It's my favourite. She knows it. I find out. Papa has told her. About me. About Marky. She don't judge me. I can see it. This lady. She is strong. She makes it. All by herself too. Her and Papa talk. I can go in the truck. It's like a house. It's a got a bed. I look out the window. It's high up. I like this lady. She's a good person. She is good for Papa. I can see it.
We stay longer. Papa tells her. He must go. I must leave for Greece. She will come to the airport. I don't mind. It makes Papa happy. I'm glad for Papa. We drive back. He talks. He's happy too. We go for a short drive. He takes me. It's the river. We used to fish here. He shows me. It's where we went to camp. There is the site. The leaves start to change now. You can see fall. It seems the end. End of trees. The birds go away. For me, it's spring. As we drive around. I like it. I learned now. I hated this place. But I don't hated the place. Just my Mom. Now I don't see her. I like it. I think it's the same for Calgary. I don't hate it. I hated my past. I tell Papa I like this lady. I say she's tough. He sais yes. No breaks in her life. I'm glad for him.
While we drive. I send a text. It's to Mark. I ask him. How is it. We chat this way. All the time. I tell him Papa has a girlfriend. He sends a smiley face. I am happy. I think to myself. I hate some men. Most really. I don't want to kiss them. I don't touch them. But my favourite people? It's two men. Mark chats to someone else. I know her. Am I jealous? No way buddy. I'm happy. I just want happy for both Papa and Marky. I want it for one reason. Because both wish happyness for me.
Papa sings. It's a song on the radio. It's his music. Country music. It makes me smile. I don't like this music. He likes it. I can see. He is happy now. So what else matters?
Sunday, September 26, 2010
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Goodbye
It's Sept 19th 2010. Today Marky takes me. It's the airport. I will go to Ontario. I have stayed 3 weeks. Spent with him. He is better. Not great. But better. For him. A long time ahead. It's a good 3 weeks. It's two friends. As we always are
We leave Calgary. As we drive. I look. I remember it. Marky tells me. You must go away. Get a new life. I remember how it hurt. To leave him. The man that loves me. I love him too. I think he don't love me. Want's a new person. So he sais to go. Go to Greece. As I look. I can see it. His words are good. They are the truth. It's no future for me. Not in Calgary. I am here 3 weeks. I will walk around. I can see my past. Larissa the whore. Larissa the man controller. So some good comes here. Mark. Me. The ducks on the river. Love. But it's not enough. Not enough to forget. The past is here. My past. Always my past. I can't go from it. I know it. Mark speaks right. Start over. The cars goes away. Downtown is gone. I won't go back. Not tomorrow. Or ever
We go. It's the airport. Marky is weak. He has trouble. To carry the suitcase. He will though. We check it. It's Ontario. I will go. He takes me. We have a coffee. We talk. He gets some food. For me. He laughs. Sais to eat up. I look at him. He's beaten up. Tired. He will make it. I know him. He has a reason. It's all he needs.
I tell him. I won't miss it. I don't miss Calgary. I don't come back. He smiles. It's life. I must return. Finish my life. Be a chef. One day I cook eggs. For him. I don't burn them lol. He reaches. He squeezes my hand. We talk. About so much. All life lately. He tells me. Thanks. To come to see him. When he don't go on. I tell him. Anytime buddy lol. We have good times. It's the pub. Laughing. Drinking. He can't drink. Don't care though. He does.
It's two people. Each needs another. Each is broken. God finds them. They give strength. To each other. So they can go on. No fairy tale. No romance. No love forever. Just too people. That love each other all their life. I know long time will pass now. I wont' come back. I know I won't ever come back.
We walk. I must go. It's security. I must leave. I remember. Me. Early July 2010. I am here. Crying till I'm sick. Now. I stand there. I give a hug. I get a long kiss. He tells me. Go. Don't you forget me Larissa T. You email me. You write me. I laugh. Of course Mr Marky. How could I not. I wish to cry. I cry because I don't loose a boyfriend. I now lose a friend. Best friend. We can't be. But friends always. Until God takes us. He holds my hand. Then lets go. Sais go. Get on the plane. It's silence. For a minute. Then it's one last hug. He tells me. I love you always. I never forget you. I tell him.I love you too. I don't forget you Marky. His hand lets mine go. I must go in. To the security. I look. He waits. I get through. I have my pack. I have a laptop. It's his. He smiles. I look back. He waits. I will walk. Its around the corner. I don't get sick. I don't throw up. I walk. I think. I am lucky. I go and find a place. To wait to go see Papa. Now I know it. The past is over for good. I am done. My new life starts.
3 people matter for me. Who are they?
First is Papa. Loves me. I make mistakes. I hurt him. But he don't stop. Always there for me. I will see him. And I call him each week. He divorces my mom. They're done. I'm glad. He deserves more. Since I'm young. He's all I have
Second. It's Georgia. We are friends. She is a mom. No money from him. She is broken. She makes mistakes. You can blame her? You are good yourself? We live together. We pay bills. Smoke all day. Pass the time. We talk about our world. She does massage. Now she don't. She got smart. She went home. To her mom. She will go to school. It's in Sasketoon. I am happy. She can do more.
Third. It's Marky. We meet in a funny way. He helps me. My car is broken. 9 months we have. Plus 3 weeks. Is it good? Sometimes. We fight. We scream. Dishes get broken. I hit him. I break his face and tooth. I make him. He goes and sits at the river. He cries. But he don't go. I change too. I learn. I can love. He is weak. Soft inside. Him and I? Not long. But is a lifetime. We change each other. He is a lover. He is my best friend.
The airplane waits. It goes fast and we go up. I see out the window. The mountains. Now some snow. Calgary. It's my home. A long time. But this picture I see. It's the last. I don't come back. Now is a new life. I pray. I thank God. It's God that gives me gifts. My family. My friends. Those that love me. Those that don't give up. I will go. I will finihs. Larissa will be a chef. On Food TV one day. The plane flies. I think I will see Papa.
I write this in Ontario. I write it at my house. It's my room. Mom is gone. She don't come here. Just me and Papa. He must sleep. He will work tomorrow. I sit alone. In the quiet. I listen to the radio. It's on the computer. It's Calgary. I wonder. What do you do Marky. At home. On the computer like always. The cars go by. You close the window annoyed lol. The fan blows outside. My heart don't cry. Instead it smiles. I hope his heart does too.
I will sleep now. Just a few days here. Then Greece. Just a few more things to say. Then I am finished.
We leave Calgary. As we drive. I look. I remember it. Marky tells me. You must go away. Get a new life. I remember how it hurt. To leave him. The man that loves me. I love him too. I think he don't love me. Want's a new person. So he sais to go. Go to Greece. As I look. I can see it. His words are good. They are the truth. It's no future for me. Not in Calgary. I am here 3 weeks. I will walk around. I can see my past. Larissa the whore. Larissa the man controller. So some good comes here. Mark. Me. The ducks on the river. Love. But it's not enough. Not enough to forget. The past is here. My past. Always my past. I can't go from it. I know it. Mark speaks right. Start over. The cars goes away. Downtown is gone. I won't go back. Not tomorrow. Or ever
We go. It's the airport. Marky is weak. He has trouble. To carry the suitcase. He will though. We check it. It's Ontario. I will go. He takes me. We have a coffee. We talk. He gets some food. For me. He laughs. Sais to eat up. I look at him. He's beaten up. Tired. He will make it. I know him. He has a reason. It's all he needs.
I tell him. I won't miss it. I don't miss Calgary. I don't come back. He smiles. It's life. I must return. Finish my life. Be a chef. One day I cook eggs. For him. I don't burn them lol. He reaches. He squeezes my hand. We talk. About so much. All life lately. He tells me. Thanks. To come to see him. When he don't go on. I tell him. Anytime buddy lol. We have good times. It's the pub. Laughing. Drinking. He can't drink. Don't care though. He does.
It's two people. Each needs another. Each is broken. God finds them. They give strength. To each other. So they can go on. No fairy tale. No romance. No love forever. Just too people. That love each other all their life. I know long time will pass now. I wont' come back. I know I won't ever come back.
We walk. I must go. It's security. I must leave. I remember. Me. Early July 2010. I am here. Crying till I'm sick. Now. I stand there. I give a hug. I get a long kiss. He tells me. Go. Don't you forget me Larissa T. You email me. You write me. I laugh. Of course Mr Marky. How could I not. I wish to cry. I cry because I don't loose a boyfriend. I now lose a friend. Best friend. We can't be. But friends always. Until God takes us. He holds my hand. Then lets go. Sais go. Get on the plane. It's silence. For a minute. Then it's one last hug. He tells me. I love you always. I never forget you. I tell him.I love you too. I don't forget you Marky. His hand lets mine go. I must go in. To the security. I look. He waits. I get through. I have my pack. I have a laptop. It's his. He smiles. I look back. He waits. I will walk. Its around the corner. I don't get sick. I don't throw up. I walk. I think. I am lucky. I go and find a place. To wait to go see Papa. Now I know it. The past is over for good. I am done. My new life starts.
3 people matter for me. Who are they?
First is Papa. Loves me. I make mistakes. I hurt him. But he don't stop. Always there for me. I will see him. And I call him each week. He divorces my mom. They're done. I'm glad. He deserves more. Since I'm young. He's all I have
Second. It's Georgia. We are friends. She is a mom. No money from him. She is broken. She makes mistakes. You can blame her? You are good yourself? We live together. We pay bills. Smoke all day. Pass the time. We talk about our world. She does massage. Now she don't. She got smart. She went home. To her mom. She will go to school. It's in Sasketoon. I am happy. She can do more.
Third. It's Marky. We meet in a funny way. He helps me. My car is broken. 9 months we have. Plus 3 weeks. Is it good? Sometimes. We fight. We scream. Dishes get broken. I hit him. I break his face and tooth. I make him. He goes and sits at the river. He cries. But he don't go. I change too. I learn. I can love. He is weak. Soft inside. Him and I? Not long. But is a lifetime. We change each other. He is a lover. He is my best friend.
The airplane waits. It goes fast and we go up. I see out the window. The mountains. Now some snow. Calgary. It's my home. A long time. But this picture I see. It's the last. I don't come back. Now is a new life. I pray. I thank God. It's God that gives me gifts. My family. My friends. Those that love me. Those that don't give up. I will go. I will finihs. Larissa will be a chef. On Food TV one day. The plane flies. I think I will see Papa.
I write this in Ontario. I write it at my house. It's my room. Mom is gone. She don't come here. Just me and Papa. He must sleep. He will work tomorrow. I sit alone. In the quiet. I listen to the radio. It's on the computer. It's Calgary. I wonder. What do you do Marky. At home. On the computer like always. The cars go by. You close the window annoyed lol. The fan blows outside. My heart don't cry. Instead it smiles. I hope his heart does too.
I will sleep now. Just a few days here. Then Greece. Just a few more things to say. Then I am finished.
Friday, September 17, 2010
to drink
Life here done. I drink lol. It's a good time. I can laugh. I laugh at them. I have a good time. It's life. I will go home soon. For now. I laugh at them.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Alejandro
We can go out. It's like before. Way back. We go to Original Joes. We sit. It's like before. It's where the tattoo girl is. We don't get her. Instead it's red hair. I know Marky lol. He wants her lol. She asks, drinks? We get some. I say to him. You like her still. He laughs. He would pay for her. 5 browns lol. She ask. You want food. Mark puts hand on head. He goes. She wants a burger. Pasta salad. Garlic potato. I laugh. Yes you can read my mind. He gets it too.
We talk. He tells me. He's done. He must start a new life. He is tuckered out. Tired of it. I know this feeling. He tells me. He can sleep now. Don't wake up so much. I can see. A new life. I ask him. You are scared? Nope he sais. He is just glad. Should have gone before. Long ago. He tells me. You hang on. It's what you got. What you know. He sais it looks good. He will get back up. Then go on his journey. Just like me. I ask him. Will you stay here? He sais for now.
We talk about Greece. I tell him how it is. I tell him about Tat. I tell him I can cook eggs. Maybe I will do this. He laughs. How about Nellies instead lol. The fire department is busy. It's funny. I burn cooking so much. Now I know it. Not so much but some. I like it. To sit her.
When I go to therapy. The lady tells me. Mark isn't just a boyfriend. He's like Papa. It's some why I am attached. He's both. She tells me this. It reminds me. Its a song. Lady Gaga. Alejandro. She sings "but her boyfriend is like a dad". I think. Our love is forever. But us together isn't. I must go my way. Him his way. It's 9 months only. But each gives to the other. I am broken. He pushes me. Get up. Fight. Be strong. You ain't a whore. Stop this word. For him. I make his heart soft again. Before he don't like women. Sick of them. He will be single always. But now it's different. His heart is softer now. It will be hurt again. Its love. But it will be stronger. We come together. Only God knows why. But each starts a new life. It comes from each other. Should I be sad? I should cry. I don't cry. Instead I thank God. God gives me a wish. Two people are healing. I watch him. He has a drink. I smile at him. He sais what. I smile more. I say nothing.
Some read this. They think it's a good ending. The prince and the princess. Together in the castle. As a girl you dream it. As a woman? It's not real. No fairytale comes. Life aint this way. What will happen? I will go to Greece. Marky will go on. Start life. Pick up his pieces. This time. I won't cry goodbye. I will smile. It's not a fairytale. Instead it's a beautiful dream. And I can live it. Not forever. But I live it.
We talk. He tells me. He's done. He must start a new life. He is tuckered out. Tired of it. I know this feeling. He tells me. He can sleep now. Don't wake up so much. I can see. A new life. I ask him. You are scared? Nope he sais. He is just glad. Should have gone before. Long ago. He tells me. You hang on. It's what you got. What you know. He sais it looks good. He will get back up. Then go on his journey. Just like me. I ask him. Will you stay here? He sais for now.
We talk about Greece. I tell him how it is. I tell him about Tat. I tell him I can cook eggs. Maybe I will do this. He laughs. How about Nellies instead lol. The fire department is busy. It's funny. I burn cooking so much. Now I know it. Not so much but some. I like it. To sit her.
When I go to therapy. The lady tells me. Mark isn't just a boyfriend. He's like Papa. It's some why I am attached. He's both. She tells me this. It reminds me. Its a song. Lady Gaga. Alejandro. She sings "but her boyfriend is like a dad". I think. Our love is forever. But us together isn't. I must go my way. Him his way. It's 9 months only. But each gives to the other. I am broken. He pushes me. Get up. Fight. Be strong. You ain't a whore. Stop this word. For him. I make his heart soft again. Before he don't like women. Sick of them. He will be single always. But now it's different. His heart is softer now. It will be hurt again. Its love. But it will be stronger. We come together. Only God knows why. But each starts a new life. It comes from each other. Should I be sad? I should cry. I don't cry. Instead I thank God. God gives me a wish. Two people are healing. I watch him. He has a drink. I smile at him. He sais what. I smile more. I say nothing.
Some read this. They think it's a good ending. The prince and the princess. Together in the castle. As a girl you dream it. As a woman? It's not real. No fairytale comes. Life aint this way. What will happen? I will go to Greece. Marky will go on. Start life. Pick up his pieces. This time. I won't cry goodbye. I will smile. It's not a fairytale. Instead it's a beautiful dream. And I can live it. Not forever. But I live it.
This blog
I come back. It's to see my best friend. When I have nothing. He is there. Now for him. Nothing. So I will be there. He has some tests. It's many changes. It's good. I can see. He is broken. Too long like this. I know it. It's like me. At the MP. To escape. Drugs and drinking. He will do it too. Just drink.
Do you wonder. When I write this?.
I walk. I will go see my apartment. The bad one. The good one too. My car is gone. I just leave it. I guess they steal it. I stand in the old apartment. It's the good place. I can see Larissa. She looks back at me. It's the glass in the door. But I see a different Larissa. I walk away. I don't need to see it again. It's 17th Ave. Do you know it? It's popular. I walk by. I can see it. Beckhams Pub. Tim Hortons. I remember. Long ago it's Bad Ass Coffee. It's got a donkey. I see Watchmans pub. I know this. I walk farther. It's Melrose Place. Me and Victoria goes there. I go in. Not so many people. I look around. What can I see? 100 Victorias. 100 Unhappily Marrieds. Some is different. Most is the same. It's not so long. Its' Fiore. It's for pasta. I walk more. The Ship and Anchor. Marky and I go there. We eat Christmas dinner. It's our last night together there. I can see the seat. It's there. I walk. Fourth Street. I stop. It's Lululemon. I will go inside. Some are out front. They draw on the sidewalk. I will keep walking. Memories of all my life. It's Ouzo. Mark takes me there. It's Greek. It's like me. We will eat. Drink wine. I keep walking. It's the diner. Chinese owns it. Cash only. Next to it. The liquor store. We go there a lot. I can see Ducky's. It's got bars on it. On the window lol. It's maybe a prison. For some. Escape. I remember. Mark sings Abba lol. The sky is blue. The air now is cool. I walk by. It's Original Joes. I wonder. Does the tattoo girl work still? I walk farther. The Purple Perk. I love it. A coffee. A Cuban sandwich. With chips. Next it's Joyce. We go here. Eat cheap ribs. A penny each. I walk farther. Shoppers drug store. A store a girl loves. I will go in. I remember. Make up. I go further. It's Urban Barn. I go in. I buy stuff. I remember it. Marky and I go there. We would dream. We can get this bed. 30 browns for it. Next is the jean store. I walk. I can see Safeway. Georgia works there before. It's shitty. Pay sucks. I walk by the river. The river is quiet. No ducks. They are big now. All grown up. Maybe like me? I walk farther. The street is a circle end. I look around. It's the building. It's where I lived. It's a nice place. I cross the road. I go behind the other building. It's the little round house. Near the river. I will go sit there. We used to sit there. We would talk. The ducks would swim. The people on the raft. Floats by. They hold the beer up. Happy with life. Just fun in the sun. No ducks. No rafts. Just the water. I look out.
I remember. Mark tells me. Go to Greece. I cry. I will lose him. He tells me no. I don't lose him. Instead I find me. He said. Sometimes you must go. The hard decision. It's the best decision. Before I think Mark is wrong. He is stupid. Or maybe he don't love me. Just wants a new girl. Move along Larissa. Tired of you. Now. I realize it. He was right. I sit there. I think to me. He tells me. You will write. Speak up. I put on my iPod. I walk away. Back the same way. I stop. It's the Purple Perk. I get a Cuban. Same girl. She's pretty. I get a coffee. I sit and I eat. I read the magazine. I can't see the words. I can just think about my life. I will go home. I will write this story. It's my story. Not your story. My story.
Do you wonder. When I write this?.
I walk. I will go see my apartment. The bad one. The good one too. My car is gone. I just leave it. I guess they steal it. I stand in the old apartment. It's the good place. I can see Larissa. She looks back at me. It's the glass in the door. But I see a different Larissa. I walk away. I don't need to see it again. It's 17th Ave. Do you know it? It's popular. I walk by. I can see it. Beckhams Pub. Tim Hortons. I remember. Long ago it's Bad Ass Coffee. It's got a donkey. I see Watchmans pub. I know this. I walk farther. It's Melrose Place. Me and Victoria goes there. I go in. Not so many people. I look around. What can I see? 100 Victorias. 100 Unhappily Marrieds. Some is different. Most is the same. It's not so long. Its' Fiore. It's for pasta. I walk more. The Ship and Anchor. Marky and I go there. We eat Christmas dinner. It's our last night together there. I can see the seat. It's there. I walk. Fourth Street. I stop. It's Lululemon. I will go inside. Some are out front. They draw on the sidewalk. I will keep walking. Memories of all my life. It's Ouzo. Mark takes me there. It's Greek. It's like me. We will eat. Drink wine. I keep walking. It's the diner. Chinese owns it. Cash only. Next to it. The liquor store. We go there a lot. I can see Ducky's. It's got bars on it. On the window lol. It's maybe a prison. For some. Escape. I remember. Mark sings Abba lol. The sky is blue. The air now is cool. I walk by. It's Original Joes. I wonder. Does the tattoo girl work still? I walk farther. The Purple Perk. I love it. A coffee. A Cuban sandwich. With chips. Next it's Joyce. We go here. Eat cheap ribs. A penny each. I walk farther. Shoppers drug store. A store a girl loves. I will go in. I remember. Make up. I go further. It's Urban Barn. I go in. I buy stuff. I remember it. Marky and I go there. We would dream. We can get this bed. 30 browns for it. Next is the jean store. I walk. I can see Safeway. Georgia works there before. It's shitty. Pay sucks. I walk by the river. The river is quiet. No ducks. They are big now. All grown up. Maybe like me? I walk farther. The street is a circle end. I look around. It's the building. It's where I lived. It's a nice place. I cross the road. I go behind the other building. It's the little round house. Near the river. I will go sit there. We used to sit there. We would talk. The ducks would swim. The people on the raft. Floats by. They hold the beer up. Happy with life. Just fun in the sun. No ducks. No rafts. Just the water. I look out.
I remember. Mark tells me. Go to Greece. I cry. I will lose him. He tells me no. I don't lose him. Instead I find me. He said. Sometimes you must go. The hard decision. It's the best decision. Before I think Mark is wrong. He is stupid. Or maybe he don't love me. Just wants a new girl. Move along Larissa. Tired of you. Now. I realize it. He was right. I sit there. I think to me. He tells me. You will write. Speak up. I put on my iPod. I walk away. Back the same way. I stop. It's the Purple Perk. I get a Cuban. Same girl. She's pretty. I get a coffee. I sit and I eat. I read the magazine. I can't see the words. I can just think about my life. I will go home. I will write this story. It's my story. Not your story. My story.
Monday, September 13, 2010
A quick trip home
I will go to Calgary. It's just for a couple of weeks. I will go see Mark. He is giving up. Tired of everything. There is no one there. Nana will help me with the costs. She understands. I tell her I'm back soon. I explain why. She sais you go. Mark has cracked. He gives up. I am worried. He tells me. He will drive away. That's it. Gone for good. I don't hear this voice before. It's not him. Nana gets me a plane ticket. Must be cheap. The seat is small. I don't care. The flight is long. I wait. I don't sleep.
I arrive back. It's the same as before. I take a taxi down. I have the key still. I forgot to give it back. I arrive at his apartment. He's not around. I am disgusted. Before he is clean. Now. It's just boxes. Pizza boxes. A bag of beer cans. The mail is on the counter. Not opened. I open it. He doesn't care. Doesn't pay the bills. The fridge has no food. The cupboard either. It's just pizza boxes. I can't believe this. Never do I imagine this. A man who is neat is a mess. A man that eats health food. Now eats pizza. The laundry is on the floor. The bed is not made. I can see this. I know this. This is Larissa. It's Larissa at the MP. Larissa on crack. He don't care now. I am disgusted. And I worry. In the bathroom. There is 7 bottles of shampoo all empty. I can tell it's not good.
I wait. He comes home. His face is tired. Circles under his eyes. He sits in the corner. Tells me he is sick of it all. He tells me. He can't sleep. He wakes up at night. Thinkgs about things. Is always tired. Can't work out. Don't care to cook. Doesn't care at all. I can see. He gives up. Don't care now. I tell him. Lie down. Sleep some. I can clean up.
I arrive back. It's the same as before. I take a taxi down. I have the key still. I forgot to give it back. I arrive at his apartment. He's not around. I am disgusted. Before he is clean. Now. It's just boxes. Pizza boxes. A bag of beer cans. The mail is on the counter. Not opened. I open it. He doesn't care. Doesn't pay the bills. The fridge has no food. The cupboard either. It's just pizza boxes. I can't believe this. Never do I imagine this. A man who is neat is a mess. A man that eats health food. Now eats pizza. The laundry is on the floor. The bed is not made. I can see this. I know this. This is Larissa. It's Larissa at the MP. Larissa on crack. He don't care now. I am disgusted. And I worry. In the bathroom. There is 7 bottles of shampoo all empty. I can tell it's not good.
I wait. He comes home. His face is tired. Circles under his eyes. He sits in the corner. Tells me he is sick of it all. He tells me. He can't sleep. He wakes up at night. Thinkgs about things. Is always tired. Can't work out. Don't care to cook. Doesn't care at all. I can see. He gives up. Don't care now. I tell him. Lie down. Sleep some. I can clean up.
Reality
I am learning. To be a chef and learn sucks. You will just do the same thing. You start at the bottom. The chef is cool. He is a gay man. I know it. He loves food. When he talks you see it. He tells me. To cook well is all detail. A tiny flavour. I must do some boring jobs. I don't mind it. I order this thing. I put in my iPod. I can work and sing. It's hot in the kitchen. Greece is hot. Inside here is hotter. You go outside to cool. I drink glasses of water. I will get used to it. I end the day and go sleep. It's a long day. I don't send email. Just shower and sleep. Sometimes I work at night. This is best. I can sleep in. The room is quiet at night. Tat will come over. Stay on the weekends. She's angry too. Fights with her boyfriend. He's a creep.
Before I am sad. But now I am really sad. I have a new job. I can be someone. But now it's not vacation. Now I realize I don't go back. Not ever. I think about Papa. I think about Marky. I won't see them. Each is far away. I can go 2 weeks. 1 week to see Papa. 1 week to see Mark. It's so little. I wish life isn't this way. I must give up something to get another. How come I can't get both? Nana sees me. Asks me what's wrong. I tell her I want Calgary. I'm missing it. She tells me she knows. She tells me use the phone. The internet phone is free. I will call Papa and Mark. Both say the same. Don't give up. It will get easier. Papa tells me about the divorce. Mom will fight. She lies. I get mad. I say you fight back hard. Mark is tired. I can tell his voice. He sais he just stays home. It's even less money. He won't say it. But I costed a ton for this trip. He will find a new career soon. He's done. I feel bad. I wish I can be there. Now his life is bad. Mine is better. I talk to them. I feel better. But I cry at night. Forever is long. I lie in bed. I think how proud Papa is. His little girl. Gets a job. Now will be a chef. He sais when I visit I can cook him a steak and potato. It's his favourite. I tell Marky. I can cook eggs. The mistake i make is heat. It's too hot. He just laughs. I tell him. You can cook with a flame. A gas stove. It's better. He tells me he's on that right away.
Before I am sad. But now I am really sad. I have a new job. I can be someone. But now it's not vacation. Now I realize I don't go back. Not ever. I think about Papa. I think about Marky. I won't see them. Each is far away. I can go 2 weeks. 1 week to see Papa. 1 week to see Mark. It's so little. I wish life isn't this way. I must give up something to get another. How come I can't get both? Nana sees me. Asks me what's wrong. I tell her I want Calgary. I'm missing it. She tells me she knows. She tells me use the phone. The internet phone is free. I will call Papa and Mark. Both say the same. Don't give up. It will get easier. Papa tells me about the divorce. Mom will fight. She lies. I get mad. I say you fight back hard. Mark is tired. I can tell his voice. He sais he just stays home. It's even less money. He won't say it. But I costed a ton for this trip. He will find a new career soon. He's done. I feel bad. I wish I can be there. Now his life is bad. Mine is better. I talk to them. I feel better. But I cry at night. Forever is long. I lie in bed. I think how proud Papa is. His little girl. Gets a job. Now will be a chef. He sais when I visit I can cook him a steak and potato. It's his favourite. I tell Marky. I can cook eggs. The mistake i make is heat. It's too hot. He just laughs. I tell him. You can cook with a flame. A gas stove. It's better. He tells me he's on that right away.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)